How things were good and made me content

I close my eyes and see myself in a field of flowers

Just like how I’ll feel when things are going my way

Tonight weren’t like the ones before

Dark clouds and thunders, like how they usually describe something bad in books

But it somehow made me wonder

Is it just a lie i tell myself or is it something true

I believe that hard times will pass

I just want them to pass faster

And somehow stay in the past

But now i focus on my happy thoughts

I focus on the happy thoughts of you

I really wish I what I mean to you is as much as what you mean to me. The thing is I could never tell you that. I could never tell you a lot of things. I can’t tell you how much I hate myself for feeling this way. I can’t tell you how you’re literally the only person I can trust. I constantly feel sad over that fact that my life revolves around you now. Everything is about you. The minute I wake up, when I’m about to eat, it’s always you. I feel like you’re my only friend and that’s really sad to be honest but what can I do? People around me keeps disappointing me and I end up blaming myself, but you were always there and I guess that could one of the reasons why I rely so much on you. I dread for a future together, where no one gets in the way, not even myself. The idea of not being with you rips my fucking heart apart. I am in so much pain love. But it doesn’t matter when I’m with you. I wasn’t like this I swear. I had so much love for myself back then but I gave all of that to you. I gave everything to you now there’s nothing left of me. But I can’t tell you that. Not that I don’t want to, I just don’t know how. Moments with you felt good. I didn’t see the need to ruin it with how I feel. I just wanted to live in the moment. With you. It’s when I’m alone it gets hard. When you’re not there. My mind takes over my body and everything starts to ache again. It’s neither of us faults but I can’t lie, I never fail to blame myself for not being good enough. For you. 

I was so scared of losing you. Even when I thought I didn’t, I still did. Not being able to talk to you or knowing that you would not talk to me for even a second scared me to the core. My mind started to wander to dark places I didn’t like to be in. Places that had scenarios of us not talking anymore or to scenes that we were walking pass each other but felt like it was just two strangers on Earth trying to get through their day. It hurt me. I am at that point where I’m being so careful of my actions or words, even the smallest ones. One wrong move and I could lose you forever. But in that moment that what felt like losing you, i realised maybe you don’t mind of losing me. You did not feel what I felt. You never did. You would not put everything aside just like what I did for you. Now I just cant figure out which would be a bigger loss, being with or without you. 

I know I probably won’t send this to you but I’d like to think that I will and you’re aware of this. Every ounce of care and love that I have, it is dedicated to you. You are the best friend, the best lover, the best listener, the best giver that anyone could’ve asked for. You have your flaws that I sometimes would notice, but I would just find myself accepting it as a part of who you are. I find myself loving it much more. I have days that I am unbearable and I apologise. I too apologise if on some stormy days my facial expressions and body language isn’t on the good side. But I promise you I get better day by day. I am ashamed of myself, of my behaviours towards you that hurt you when your only intentions were nothing but purity. I also want to apologise for the days when God was a little bit too harsh on you. It’ll get better, I promise. I wish to be with you forever, to continue our hardships, our good days, together. But I know deep down we won’t get to. And I don’t like being hurt. I’ve never told you this but I’m hurting myself. Every decisions and every sincere efforts that were made for you were only hurting me. I just want to make you happy. It hurts me more to see you sad, hurt or anything synonymous to it. Everything I said to you were never out of lust nor out of sympathy. I just genuinely felt that about you. And then there’s this. 

In my earliest letters I dedicated to you, I predicted we may not be tight as we were and I was right. Kind of scary to think of it. I had faith in us but a part of me didn't. 

It is so fucking sad looking back at it. You made me realize how much I prefer being angry at someone rather than feeling so fucking sad about them. 

I had a few highlights this year but you my love, you were both my highlight and downfall of my entire life. Now I truly believe I have loved you so fucking much and I still probably do. 

Saying that I didn't appreciate you enough would be a fucking lie because I did. I really did. I appreciated you so damn much. Every smiles, every laughs, every questions, every breakfasts or every lunches, back then I really wish I could put them in a small box and replay them whenever I wanted. 

You changed me, you really did. I'm preventing myself to stop being so fucking cliche but these are just facts. I fucking love myself when I'm with you. As much as I love you. 

Now I'm back to where I was. Happy, nor am I sad. And to think that I'll never get back what I had just breaks my fucking heart every damn night. 

I'm sorry if I sound so angry. I just really really miss you. I'm only left with our old messages and nothing more. 

I told a lot of people about you, people I was close to. I told them how I loved you, how you almost loved me back. I told them in details and while in tears. 

A year or so has passed you and the thought of you still lingers in my head. Not in an unhealthy way or anything, you're just there. Certain things don't remind me of you anymore. They're just inanimate objects now. 

Sometimes I think about reaching out to you again. Why? for a lot of reasons. I see myself changed after you. Not in obvious ways but in small details that took me a while to finally see. I find it hard to fall for someone now. Not because I've not moved on or anything. I just find hard to develop feelings. Even if I do, it's temporary. 

I don't know my worth anymore. A friend came to me to seek advice about a boy who only goes to her when he needs attention. She said she's been in a relationship with a man who's treated her better. While I said I'd stay. I told her you did something similar and I stayed. With you, it was probably one of the worst years of my life but it was the only time I ever felt alive. 

I guess what people say about you never really stop loving someone. You'll either love them less and you never loved them at all. I guess there's still a little bit of you in me.