I'm in a more rational state to write what I've been through these past few months. I've learn to love, I've learn to hate, I've learn to mentally kill people in my head.

It's been a really long 5 months but when I really think about it, it's just weeks after weeks after weeks. In those weeks there were good, there were bad and some of the weeks just felt average. I've been too busy thinking of the bad. I've been thinking of what will happen and the what ifs but never really embracing the what is happening.

To talk about the good, well I really can't. Even pictures or videos or moments that were uploaded for the rest to see could never fully capture how truly happy I were in the moment. I would not trade anything for it.

Maybe it wasn't bad at all to meet these people, to have them touch my life. Maybe in a few years I'd still see their faces and would still never be sick of them.

Describing myself as someone detached has been a habit of mine for far too long, I forgot that I've have people that I've kept around for longer than five years and I am capable of doing so again.

I didn't realise I am seen as someone lovable as I always surround myself with my friends and no one other. My feelings for my friends are genuine and I wish nothing but the best for them.

Yes, I've changed but I'm still trying to figure out if it's permanent or temporary. How my persona changes infront of different set of eyes. Maybe it's normal, I tell myself. As long as it first badly affect my loved ones then I guess it's okay.

Well this is me signing off. Not saying goodbye for the last time. But saying let's see each other next time, we'll be better, greater.

This semester has been a lot to take in, just like any other semester, but this time I was happy. So, so happy, I was on top of the world. But also just like any other semester, it lasted only for four months.

I was in a really bad place earlier this year and to think I rose up to where I was about a week ago, it was unbelievable. Now I just feel like I'm slowly going down the stair to where I was at in January.

Truth be told, there were no tears throughout these four months until a couple of hours ago. It was all laughters great food, great places and not to forget, great people.

It's hard when someone with a heartbeat becomes a part of you. It's hard to let them go. I was prepared to let go, well that was what I thought, but things changed. I guess I got too comfortable to the point I did not think about the bad things that could possibly happen.

I dont know what to feel right now. Constantly torn between being selfless and selfish. Wanting the best for myself without making others feel the worst. But here I am, doing the best I can for others while feeling the worst for myself.

The people I encounter were unbelievable. The old ones got better, the new ones became the best. Yes, there were fights and the feeling of being torn between the people I care for, but it was something I got through. But can I get through it now?

I know, I know I've been through worse, but right now, at the moment, everything seems so unbearable. It seems like it would be better to just jump off level 8.

But let's focus on the good, shall we?The new experience, the places my feet had the chance to set touch, the people I had the chance to love and the people who loved me back. It's all about moving forward and taking in every positive vibes you get. This semester has truly been the best and I would not trade the memory of it with anything.

Semester five only reminds me of being tired and tears. Tears of joy, tears of heartbreak, I felt them both. Tears of joy was probably the highlight of 2018. I worked so fucking hard for something and I got what I deserved.

Then there's the tears of heartbreak. Something I forgot how it feels like. I forgot how much it made me wanted to die. My friends never fail to disappoint me. As saddening as it sounds, that's how they are,and Im still friends with them.

Then there's the boy I speak highly off last semester. Him. I truly ran out of words for him. Thinking of him only brings me to tears. I even force myself to be angry at him but i cant. I just cant.

I miss him. so bad. He doesnt even look for me anymore but when i do, he talks to me as if im just one of  his followers. I would know because i used to be only that, and now im back to square one. I dont fucking know what to do anymore. I was doing so fucking fine.

I remember less than 5 months ago I was so worried about not being able to continue my studies. I remember being sad about had my friends and I were about to go our separate ways. Now September's around the corner and I've never been so in love. With a person, with the people around me, with how the way my life turned out.

I wake up each morning and for once in my life I dont sigh. For once I actually love going to class. I love my classmates. I feel loved, appreciated and smart tbh. True there are days my lecturers are being a pain in the ass and a few of my classmates turns out to be a cunt but I could live with that.

BE101 Section 1