after three months of being away, and for almost two months of having lonely breakfasts and lunchs, im finally going back. and for quite some time. i dont think i havent been at home for over a week in like two years. i liked being in kl, surrounded by friends and never ending adventures. well at least it used to. i feel happy that i get to be at home. nothing's like having comfort food 24/7. but then again, i dont know. i think i've lost touch. with life in general. everybody probably feels the same with covid going on so im nothing special. i stumbled upon some old memories yesterday and it made me super unnecessarily nostalgic. i had so many friends, like stupid many. i remembered having problems back then but i cant seem to recall what it was, so i guess it wasnt that big of a deal. all i remember when i look back, i feel like i was at my peak. and i took that for granted. even the people i had back then.

I realize that i can’t always be surrounded by a group of friends that I genuinely like because at some point of our friendship i somehow always manage to find something that irks me about them. I’m not saying that it’s their fault, I know that I am the problem. And in some other lifetime or reality i would have someone professionally tell me that it’s just some defense mechanism due to trauma but i just believe that i am unable to truly connect with someone. I know life is all about co dependency but I’ve always wanted to do things on my own and now that I possibly might not need to, I’m coming up with reasons that is sabotaging myself.