Apparently I have this attraction that men can’t get enough of. 

I used to see myself being physically unattractive and had to rely 100% on my personality if i were to ever think about being in a committed relationship. However, as I grow older, I’ve come to the realization that sometimes i may not be a good person and i am undeserving of love from someone who’s kind or genuine. I slowly had to learn that to love or to be loved is not to be perfect in the other person’s eye, but instead it’s about compromising and tolerating.  

Back to what I said about this attraction I had, even after eleven years of being in an all girls school, it wasn’t hard for me to make friends of the opposite gender. But there were consequences of course. I couldn’t differentiate between a kind gesture and the act of love. I do find myself being attached to my friends who were just simply being friends to me, but I thought different. 

After awhile I got the hang of it. I told myself my friends are only being friends, but too much time with them does not stop my feelings. It truly couldn’t be helped. But I can’t lie when I say sometimes I don’t feel like what they’re doing are just as friends. I’ve never felt the genuine love of another man so I never had anything to compare it to. And that was when it hit me. I dont know what it is but i figured i must have some kind if attraction because i keep being in situations where people say we’re just friends, yet they don’t mind doing things with me that friends don’t normally do. 

Men are able to do sorts of things with me as if they’ve planned our entire future, but the moment I decided to address the elephant in the room, they made it seem like I was delusional. You can’t spell “manipulation” without “man”. So I’m always stuck with men only wanting to be friends with me yet always doing more. I attract them enough to have them open doors for me or kiss my forehead (not a literal example), but never enough for them to plan a future together. 

 

Sometimes I feel am too much of emotions in a person. People are made up atoms, organs, logical thinking, and just a dash of emotions, enough to make them communicate and feel things towards each other. But as for myself I am constantly spilling out emotions as I am made up of too much of it, even my body could not contain it. 

I’ve never worried about marriage. I always thought that would be something that would happen naturally if I don’t think too much about it. I thought it’s something years from now. But after losing someone I thought was the love of my life and someone I’d end up with, marriage has been lingering at the back of my mind. I feel like I am at that age that it is too late to meet someone new. It is too late to learn about someone’s bad habits or memorize their allergies. I had all that, I did all that and now those information are no longer useful to me. They say to live your twenties the most, but I truly believe once you reach your thirties, people did live their twenties but with their loved ones while you tried to do it alone. Now everyone around you are with the people their destined with but you’re still trying to find someone that fits your piece of the puzzle. Sometimes people don’t fit your piece of the puzzle, you have to figure out a way to make it fit, but being in your thirties, by the time you do find a way to make it fit, someone probably found a faster way and beat you to it. And you end up in step one all over again, the family background, the favorite food, the “what did you wanted to be when you were younger” questions. I am not saying one has to get married or the whole purpose of existing is to bound yourself to another person, I am saying this as someone who truly has not ever felt the loving of another person and that takes a toll on how I choose to live my life, to love myself and other people or to hate while I love myself.

I want to apologise, for a lot of things but mostly my flaws. I apologise for my constant bad days that leave you hazy. To point that I don’t realise you were going through one of your own bad days. I apologise for always looking at the big picture when I was supposed to look at the details which are the small things you would do for me instead of any ridiculous big gestures. I appreciate the times when you know what to do at times I myself don’t, saying the right things at the right time. I apologise if my mind tend to think of bad things about you just to give myself a reason to give up on you. But I promise you at the end of the day after every bad thought, after every bad moves, i assure you i will always end up convincing myself how good of a person you are to me.

i've talked about the future a lot of times, "imagine in five years" this, "imagine what happened to us in 10 years" that, but i never really REALLY ever thought of it i guess. but yesterday i just started to. i was triggered and questions just keep popping in my head. i start to questions the decisions i made, the actions i took and honestly i dont know if it's good or bad.

I've always looked at endings as a goodbye. I hate it. It has become a part of me to automatically leave things, people, places, memories behind whenever I feel like it's about to end. It never had to be that way. There's always a next time but I never believed it that way and it's saddening. I don't want to leave everything behind and end things in a sad way. I wanna see these people again. I wanna go to these places again. I want to relive it whenever I want. But I never can. And I guess that's one of my toxic behaviours.

I cant lie, it hurts so much. I forgot how painful it feels to fall for someone you could only dream of being with.