Archive for 2017

The last time I was here I had everything what I wanted. Well I still do, just with different people. I never promised you happiness nor happy ending infact I promised you the complete opposite. I warned you. 1^st January marks the day I leave everything behind. Every 200 days or so we spent together. We may see again in the streets but only as strangers.

In darkness there is light. And that’s you, every eight of you. I leaned to you, more than I should’ve. My biggest fear is myself. Will I repeat what I did?

Semester 2 is coming to an end and Im having mixed feelings about it. Looking back at how it went, it wasn’t at all how I expected. Friends became enemies, strangers became friends, friends became someone I came to love.

Im moving out, metaphorically and literally. Literally, a place with 10 breaths of fresh air which one I have no problem inhaling, somehwere nearer to college. Metaphorically, moving out from the negatvity. The negativity and the hostility throughout the semester.

I have found new friends throughout the process and might have fallen for one of them. People who I never thought I would be friends with. And the thought of leaving them scares me so so much. I love them.

On 5^th October I came out. There’s no other way of putting it. It was an ice breaking session and it happened, infront of 34 people I barely knew. Some were supportive (they were dabbing) but mostly probably didn’t know what pansexual meant based on their faces.

I showed signs when I was younger but back then we didn’t have terms like pans or bis so I had no other way but to surpress it. Back then you are either straight or not, there’s no in between.

Its funny how I managed to keep it together for 11 years since all I ever surrounded was with girls. The minute a friend told me who she was I started questioning everything and started to look at things differently. It started to answer a few of unsolved questions I’ve been wondering about all my life. Some call it culture shock. I mean they’re not wrong though. It probably is, Im still unsure of it.

But what Im sure of is how people acted around me afterwards. Some wanted to be me, others look at me as if if sin were a person, it would be me.

I wish it was easier to say that I was more inclined to one gender. Im just in the middle, in a gray area like my life isnt confusing enough. But I guess I just have to learn that there isnt any exact explanation for who I am and there will never be.

If I ever lost myself again, find myself in tears with bloody hands and the urge to write, this would be my suicide note.

“It’ll be too cliche and to be honest if I started this letter “By the time you’re reading this, I would be dead” but there’s no lies to that and it is true, by the time you’re reading this, I will be dead, whoever you are.

This was never an act of selfishness or foolishness. It was an act of bravery I presume and out of hope. My intentions were never to hurt anyone or give them the satisfaction that Im no longer around.

I couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t the people at school or the condition at home, they were fine. It was just me. I couldn’t stand being me anymore. The paranoia and the anxiety were consuming too much of myself to the point I couldn’t recognize the person I see in the mirror.

I didn’t know how I looked like in the eyes of someone else. Was I too great of an actor playing the role of someone who knows exactly what theyre doing in life or does my depression shows on my skin like a tattoo that could only be removed through painful surgery? I guess you get to decide that.

I did not love myself as much as I shouldve. All that love were given bit by bit to the people who probably doesnt deserve it. I respected myself but not enough to stop myself from writing this letter.

One thing that took me too long to realize was you should never let someone else be the reason to stay alive. Wake up and be thankful for being alive because of yourself, not someone else.

Regrets and tears would be useless by this time. I got I want now, you can move on. Remember me as someone who always gets what they want, not someone who was so sick for being themselves.”

For those who are suffering from depression or any type of mental illness please know that there’s always another option even when you feel like theres not. Im always free to talk to and heres a list of suicide hotline numbers from all over the world.

² Albania 127

² Algeria 0021 3983 2000 58

² Argentina (054-011) 4758 2554

² Australia 1-800-273-8255

² Austria 142

² Bahamas 328-0922 / 322-4999 /322-2763

² Bahrain 0097 161 199 188/ 0097 161 199 260 / 0097 161 199 191 / 0097 161 199 334

² Barbados (246) 42 99 999

² Belgium 106

² Bolivia 00 591 4 4 25 42 42

² Bostwana 3911270

² Brazil +55 51 211 2888

² Canada 514-723-4000

² China 0800-810-1117

² Colombia (00 57 5) 372 27 27

² Costa Rica 506-253-5439

² Croatia (01) 4833-888

² Cuba 532 348 14 49

² Cyprus +357 77 77 72 67

² Denmark +45 70 201 20

² Ecuador 593 2 6000 477

² Eqypt 762 1602/3

² Estonia 126 /127

² Fiji (0679) 670565

² Finland 040-5032199

² France +33 951 11 61 30

² Germany 0800 1110 222

² Ghana 233 244 846 701

² Greece 1018

² Guatemala 1-800-999-9999

² Guyana +592 223-0001, 223-0009, 600-7896, 623-4444

² Honduras (00 504) 2558 08 08 /2232-1314

² Hong Kong 2389 2222 /2382 0000

² Hungary (46) 323 888

² India 2549 7777

² Iran 1480

² Israel 1201

² Italy 800 86 00 22

² Jamaica 930 – 1152 / 1-888-429-KARE (5273)

² Japan +81 (0) 3 5286 9090

² Kenya +254 20 300 0378/205 1323

² Latvia 371 67222922

² Liberia 06534308

² Lithuania 8-800 2 8888

² Luxembourg 454545

² Malaysia (063) 928 500 39

² Malta 179

² Mauritius 46 48 889 Befrienders

² Mexico 525-510-2550

² Namibia 61-232-221

² Netherlands 0900-113 0 113

² New Zealand 0800 543 354

² Nicaragua 2311-7361

² Norway +47 815 33 300

² Papua New Guinea 675 326 0011 (Daytime only)

² Peru (00 51 1) 273 8026

² Philippines (02) 8969191 /893 7606

² Poland 52 70 000 /52 70 988

² Portugal (+351) 225 50 60 70

² Russia 007 (8202) 577-577

² Samoa 32000 Samoa Lifeline

² Serbia 037 23 025

² Singapore 1800 221 4444

² South Africa 0861 322 322 Lifeline South Africa

² South Korea (02) 715 8600

² Spain 0145 900 50

² Sri Lanka 011 057 2222662

² St. Vincent (784) 456 1044

² Sudan (249) 11-555-253

² Sweden (46) 31 711 2400

² Switzerland 143

² Thailand (02) 713-6793

² Tonga 23000 /25144

² Trinidad & Tobago (868) 645 2800

² Turkey 182

² UK & Ireland +44 8457 90 90 90 Samaritans

² Ukraine 058

² USA 1-800-273-TALK(8255) Suicide Prevention Lifeline

² Venezuela 0241-8433308

² Zimbabwe (9) 650 00

1. Make it to Dean's list

2. Experience

3. Explore

4. Be organized

5. Make friends

6. Fall in love

7. Fall in love again

8. Speak third language!

9. Worry less

10. Study more

I treat each of my friends differently but they still mean alot to me equally.
Friendship break ups give me the hardest time to stay alive.
i wont always be there for you. as much as i hate admitting it, my promises are sometimes bullshit.
im clingier with friends than i am with my own family.
i have no problem lending money to my friends. money has never been an issue to me tbh and i dont even ask for them back. even if you give it back, i wont take it. youre my friend.
im bad at keeping in touch with my friends
but i also hate it when my friends dont keep in touch with me.
i have days where i shut down and deny we were ever friends. i do it to everyone at once, not just certain people.
i prefer phone calls over texting bc i suck at texting.
i dont open up alot but when i do to you, its a big deal.
even if we dont talk for years, you can still come to me.
i always cave in every fight
if i dont ever admit of being wrong in any fight, probably means i've given up on our friendship and it wasnt my fault to start with
i cut ties with my friends for no reason sometimes
i lowkey hate my friends who change immediately after they found a lover
im especially sensitive with my friends and i get offended easily (but i dont say it)
i forgive my friends easily
i wont get angry if you tell me truthfully and i did not find out from someone else

1 So Tied Up - Cold War Kids

2 Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel

3 Boyfriend - COIN

4 Permission Slip - Mainland

5 Lo-Fi Children - Wild Party

6 Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

7 Go Quietly - Cold War Kids

8 I Would Do Anything For You - Foster The People

9 Feeling - COIN

10 Colder Parts - HUNNY

11 Talking In Your Sleep - Gallant

12 Love Who Loves You Back - Tokio Hotel

13 Sometimes I Want 2 Die - Blackbear

Links

Prom - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/2hRJemxNKRC0kVR3rTs3Mn

Profile - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham

Sem break playlist - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/0Wc46d4hYinQw6cNjX8Qq3

1 Jailbirds - Cold War Kids

2 Pacifier - Catfish and the Bottlemen

3 Bitter Poem - Cold War Kids

4 Waterfalls - TLC

5 Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People

6 Torso - Grouplove

7 So Tied Up - Cold War Kids

8 Outskirts of Paradise - Bad Suns

9 Tongue Tied - Grouplove

10 Use Somebody - Kings of Leon

11 Walking On A Dream - Empire of the Sun

12 First - Cold War Kids

13 Stuck - The Aces

Links

Prom - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/2hRJemxNKRC0kVR3rTs3Mn

Profile - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham

Sem break playlist - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/0Wc46d4hYinQw6cNjX8Qq3

I don’t write about the people I love anymore. Well not as much as I used to. I cant tell if I could never love another person like I did before or Im just afraid whta it will mean once I do write about someone I love.

I used to spill so much even the smallest details like which he emoji he used for every text. Now I just keep it to myself and some days I’d accidentally talk too much about him and people were just too good of a guesser.

I didn’t choose for it to be this way. I sometimes wish I was just so open about the people I love and told everyone about it but Im just too embarrassed to the point that I even keep track of the people who are aware who Im in love with.

1 Waves - Kanye West

2 Pyramids - Frank Ocean

3 Blended Family (What You Do For Love) - Alicia Keys

4 Ultralight Beam - Kanye West

5 Frustrated - R.LUM.R

6 Location - Khalid

7 Redbone - Childish Gambino

8 Selfish - Future

9 LOYALTY. FEAT. RIHANNA. - Kendrick Lamar

10 Nothing Is Promised (with Rihanna) - Mike WiLL Made-It

11 Regret In Your Tears - Nicki Minaj

12 Needed Me - Rihanna

13 PILLOWTALK REMIX - ZAYN

14 Famous - Kanye West

15 In My Feelings - Kehlani

Spotify Links

l Profile

https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham

l R&B

https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/5P4uTIKOgNu1hbtKSdEaN9

l Cloud9

https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/1NVjD5PqDnE1j359B503yW

l Songs to fuck to

https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/2bmJ5iUpSr6aXGdjBCcuM6

I remember less than 5 months ago I was so worried about not being able to continue my studies. I remember being sad about had my friends and I were about to go our separate ways. Now September's around the corner and I've never been so in love. With a person, with the people around me, with how the way my life turned out.

I wake up each morning and for once in my life I dont sigh. For once I actually love going to class. I love my classmates. I feel loved, appreciated and smart tbh. True there are days my lecturers are being a pain in the ass and a few of my classmates turns out to be a cunt but I could live with that.

And there's my friends. Being a new kid will never be easy (even though I was only late for two weeks) and Im glad I had these lovelies to make it less lonely throughout the semester. To every lunch we had together. To every drinks we shared together. To every car ride we had together. Here's to more of it in the future.

BE101 Section 1

To my lovely classmates, every arguments we had together, every teamwork we did to get the lecturer to do something we want, I felt content for the first time ever. They made me feel like being together isnt such a bad thing after all.

To the boys, thank you for the mcd trips and giving me the opportunity to work with you guys. Thank you for showing me how good it feels like to be surrounded by both genders after being in an all girls school for 11 years.

It makes me sad to think about again me and my friends we'll be separated for semester 2. Lets just pray some of us stays together.

And to the person I fell in love with, thank you for being the first to know certain things about me. Thank you for the alone time we had together just because you didnt want me to be alone. Thank you for sharing things with me you dont share with anyone else. Here's to more encounters and hopefully more adventures next semester.

I cant lie, it hurts so much. I forgot how painful it feels to fall for someone you could only dream of being with.

Jailbird - Cold War Kids
Hag - Band of Horses
Pacifier - Catfish and The Bottlemen
Bitter Poem - Cold War Kids
Dragging You Around - Greg Laswell ft. Sia

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