I want to die. 

For the first time since a long time, I actually want to die. I am tired. So, so tired. I am tired of the people around me. I'm tired of the things I have to do that seems endless. I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of living. 

I am unsure is this the feeling of wanting death in front of my eyes or am I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I believe it can be solved. All my issues, all my sorrows. But I also believe once those are dealt with, others will come. It is never ending. 

I have this habit of always wanting to fix people's problems. Any problems really. Whether it be about life, about love or even about education, I try to help them. Yet I'm so helpless. And I refuse to get help. 

It's not that I don't want to, I do but my dumb self just keeps rejecting it. Is it the fear of disappointment or is it the fear of trusting people? 

I am trying, I am trying to ask for help but always questioning if it's from the right people. Should it be from the people I've known my entire life? 

Pros: They understand us already. 

Cons: The idea of us they already had only makes them believe what we're going through is a phase. 

But the truth is, it isn't. I've been like this for most of my life and now it's already too late to voice it out. 

or should it be from the people that has only known us for a short period of time?

Pros: They won't know us enough to judge us. 

Cons: They won't give you the respond you expected. 

So here I am constantly stuck in between. I'm here at night hoping the day wouldn't come so I don't have to deal with the problems I tried to forget. 

There I said it, I want to die. 

You ever first get to know someone and think "wow, there is literally nothing wrong with you"? And it goes on for weeks, or even months. 

At one point you feel like they deserve the world and you don't deserve them. Nothing but purity in them. But you? Nothing but evil. 

Then they get comfortable with you and you're happy with it. They open up to you and pour their fucking heart on you. Each layer you uncover was like finding pieces of yourself in each of them. It was like puzzle pieces you were looking for your whole life. 

But there are a few moments you start questioning. Are those really pieces of you? or are you forcing them to be? Suddenly the puzzle pieces don't fit. 

But I learned. Not in a hard way but in a way that made me hate myself even more for how intolerant I can be. Those puzzle pieces just needed some turning for them to fit the masterpiece. 

I can learn to love. And I love the thought of that.