Apparently I have this attraction that men can’t get enough of.
I used to see myself being physically unattractive and had to rely 100% on my personality if i were to ever think about being in a committed relationship. However, as I grow older, I’ve come to the realization that sometimes i may not be a good person and i am undeserving of love from someone who’s kind or genuine. I slowly had to learn that to love or to be loved is not to be perfect in the other person’s eye, but instead it’s about compromising and tolerating.
Back to what I said about this attraction I had, even after eleven years of being in an all girls school, it wasn’t hard for me to make friends of the opposite gender. But there were consequences of course. I couldn’t differentiate between a kind gesture and the act of love. I do find myself being attached to my friends who were just simply being friends to me, but I thought different.
After awhile I got the hang of it. I told myself my friends are only being friends, but too much time with them does not stop my feelings. It truly couldn’t be helped. But I can’t lie when I say sometimes I don’t feel like what they’re doing are just as friends. I’ve never felt the genuine love of another man so I never had anything to compare it to. And that was when it hit me. I dont know what it is but i figured i must have some kind if attraction because i keep being in situations where people say we’re just friends, yet they don’t mind doing things with me that friends don’t normally do.
Men are able to do sorts of things with me as if they’ve planned our entire future, but the moment I decided to address the elephant in the room, they made it seem like I was delusional. You can’t spell “manipulation” without “man”. So I’m always stuck with men only wanting to be friends with me yet always doing more. I attract them enough to have them open doors for me or kiss my forehead (not a literal example), but never enough for them to plan a future together.
