This is it, I'm missing you more than ever. I just saw a few hours ago and I kept wanting you. I wanted to touch you. I wanted to tell you how much I cared for you and how all of this hurts too much for me more than it does to you. Leaving never felt so hard. 

 

I wrote this spontaneously on New Year's eve with the thought of how great 2016 has been and I was honestly sad to leave it. But I also had a positive attitude about 2017 also oblivious about how things like right now are bound to happen. 

I wanted to die tonight. Not in a trendy way some people has been doing these days but I actually wanted to die. I've not wanted to die in so long and the last time I had those tendencies I was really in a bad place. This past year has been something. I had something to look forward to everyday. To wake and be excited about something. But today, everything vanished. I had this sick feeling, imagining myself waking everyday and actually have to go through it. I could physically feel myself feeling so sick like waking up from a really bad hangover. I guess that's what it has been this past year. Just days of binge drinking alcohol without a thought of that this phase or whatever it is will end. If reality check was a day, today would be it. 

They say rock bottom is when you feel the absolute worst, when there's no where to go. Optimists would just say when you're at the lowest the only way to go is up but others find comfort. I on the other hand find zero comfort about being at rock bottom nor am I going up. Heck I feel like I'm not even at rock bottom in the first place. But I feel like shit that's for sure. I didn't get in. Things have never been my for as long as I can remember but I know it's because I don't pray enough. I'm trying to be okay with it but to think that I think it's unfair, is unfair. Sometimes when I'm reminded of it, it hurts. The head pounding type of hurt. But when I'm distracted I feel okay. Okay enough to think that I'll be okay. But I guess it has always been at the back of my head and only resurfaces occasionally, will I really be okay? 

I was distant towards different ppl at different times. Some understood enough to stay, others just made me feel like being myself is a flaw

I'm not in love with you but please don't be in love with someone else. 

Deleted notes from February 18th, 2017

-possibly unfinished-

I'm still trying to figure out if I actually love you. 

I will be leaving for something greater. I'll be leaving this comfort I call home. Five hours away doesn't look like a big deal until you start wishing you're at home eating home cooked meals in your not too big, not too small kitchen. Instead you're in a dormitory eating left overs from god knows when with the heat you never had to deal with before. You'll start missing the locks on the doors at home even though you never really took notice of it before. The holes in the ceiling of your dorm will remind you of the perfect ceilings at home. You'll miss just lazing around in your room always having what you want with just a room away. I thought fresh starts would be good for me. The experience, the independence. But how will I know I'll like it? How will I know it's good for me? I could never go back if I suddenly decided I wasn't ready for all that independence. Does this new beginning also has to mean an end of something I've been all too familiar with?

He'll do the first move, he always does. Although at times it took him longer, but he will. He'll teach you patience. Then he'll talk through the phone as if he's holding your hands. He helps you go through things but unintentionally. He just does. He'll tell you about his first love and how he wanted to marry her but there were so many things in between them. He'll teach you certain things can still be in the way of love. You'll soon understand what he talked about wasn't true love but in time, he'll teach you that too. He keeps you up at night. You'll want to. You're willing to lose 100 days of sleep just to make sure he gets the rest he needs. Then he'll tell you about his trip to the ocean and how it made him realize things. You won't get to see his eyes sparkle as he talks but that'll be fine for you as long as he is talking to you. You'll start telling your friends about him. Not much, just enough for your friends not to fall in love with him. He'll start talking to one of them and emotions start come to you like tidal waves but it's okay because you'll start being you and my god don't you just hate when you be you. He'll occasionally forget to text back and you'll usually just pull your hair out thinking what you did wrong. He'll come back, don't worry. Then you'll start doing that thing you do to the people you love. It hurts but you have to. You just couldn't bear getting hurt again. This never happens but he'll chase you. He'll chase you like no have ever did. He'll tell you you're important to him and you'll believe him. but deep down you didn't. At that point you'll start thinking about the times you stayed up talking to him. You'll think about every laughter you had with him and that time he sang to you through the phone, you'll start thinking about it. And a year later you couldn't handle it anymore and decided to do it. You told him. You were angry and you did it. He'll tell you the same thing but his just faded. And this is how you'll leave him.