thirsty hearts

having a love affair with the sun

If I ever lost myself again, find myself in tears with bloody hands and the urge to write, this would be my suicide note.

“It’ll be too cliche and to be honest if I started this letter “By the time you’re reading this, I would be dead” but there’s no lies to that and it is true, by the time you’re reading this, I will be dead, whoever you are.

This was never an act of selfishness or foolishness. It was an act of bravery I presume and out of hope. My intentions were never to hurt anyone or give them the satisfaction that Im no longer around.

I couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t the people at school or the condition at home, they were fine. It was just me. I couldn’t stand being me anymore. The paranoia and the anxiety were consuming too much of myself to the point I couldn’t recognize the person I see in the mirror.

I didn’t know how I looked like in the eyes of someone else. Was I too great of an actor playing the role of someone who knows exactly what theyre doing in life or does my depression shows on my skin like a tattoo that could only be removed through painful surgery? I guess you get to decide that.

I did not love myself as much as I shouldve. All that love were given bit by bit to the people who probably doesnt deserve it. I respected myself but not enough to stop myself from writing this letter.

One thing that took me too long to realize was you should never let someone else be the reason to stay alive. Wake up and be thankful for being alive because of yourself, not someone else.

Regrets and tears would be useless by this time. I got I want now, you can move on. Remember me as someone who always gets what they want, not someone who was so sick for being themselves.”

For those who are suffering from depression or any type of mental illness please know that there’s always another option even when you feel like theres not. Im always free to talk to and heres a list of suicide hotline numbers from all over the world.

² Albania                       127
² Algeria                        0021 3983 2000 58
² Argentina                  (054-011) 4758 2554
² Australia                     1-800-273-8255    
² Austria                        142
² Bahamas                    328-0922 / 322-4999 /322-2763
² Bahrain                      0097 161 199 188/ 0097 161 199 260 / 0097 161 199 191 / 0097 161 199 334
² Barbados                    (246) 42 99 999
² Belgium                     106
² Bolivia                        00 591 4 4 25 42 42
² Bostwana                  3911270    
² Brazil                         +55 51 211 2888
² Canada                      514-723-4000
² China                         0800-810-1117
² Colombia                 (00 57 5) 372 27 27
² Costa Rica               506-253-5439
² Croatia                     (01) 4833-888
² Cuba                          532 348 14 49
² Cyprus                      +357 77 77 72 67
² Denmark                   +45 70 201 20
² Ecuador                    593 2 6000 477
² Eqypt                         762 1602/3
² Estonia                     126 /127
² Fiji                             (0679) 670565
² Finland                     040-5032199
² France                       +33 951 11 61 30
² Germany                  0800 1110 222
² Ghana                        233 244 846 701
² Greece                       1018
² Guatemala               1-800-999-9999
² Guyana                     +592 223-0001, 223-0009, 600-7896, 623-4444
² Honduras                 (00 504) 2558 08 08 /2232-1314
² Hong Kong               2389 2222 /2382 0000
² Hungary                     (46) 323 888
² India                           2549 7777
² Iran                             1480
² Israel                           1201
² Italy                            800 86 00 22
² Jamaica                    930 – 1152 / 1-888-429-KARE (5273)
² Japan                        +81 (0) 3 5286 9090    
² Kenya                         +254 20 300 0378/205 1323
² Latvia                         371 67222922   
² Liberia                       06534308
² Lithuania                   8-800 2 8888
² Luxembourg             454545
² Malaysia                    (063) 928 500 39
² Malta                          179
² Mauritius                 46 48 889  Befrienders
² Mexico                       525-510-2550
² Namibia                    61-232-221  
² Netherlands             0900-113 0 113
² New Zealand            0800 543 354
² Nicaragua                 2311-7361   
² Norway                       +47 815 33 300
² Papua New Guinea  675 326 0011 (Daytime only)
² Peru                           (00 51 1) 273 8026
² Philippines               (02) 8969191 /893 7606
² Poland                      52 70 000 /52 70 988
² Portugal                   (+351) 225 50 60 70
² Russia                      007 (8202) 577-577   
² Samoa                       32000    Samoa Lifeline
² Serbia                       037 23 025
² Singapore                 1800 221 4444
² South Africa             0861 322 322     Lifeline South Africa
² South Korea             (02) 715 8600
² Spain                         0145 900 50
² Sri Lanka                  011 057 2222662
² St. Vincent              (784) 456 1044
² Sudan                      (249) 11-555-253
² Sweden                    (46) 31 711 2400
² Switzerland              143
² Thailand                   (02) 713-6793
² Tonga                      23000 /25144    
² Trinidad & Tobago        (868) 645 2800   
² Turkey                      182
² UK & Ireland           +44 8457 90 90 90    Samaritans
² Ukraine                    058
² USA                            1-800-273-TALK(8255)   Suicide Prevention Lifeline
² Venezuela                0241-8433308
² Zimbabwe                (9) 650 00


1. Make it to Dean's list 
2. Experience 
3. Explore 
4. Be organized 
5. Make friends 
6. Fall in love 
7. Fall in love again 
8. Speak third language! 
9. Worry less 
10. Study more 


  1. I treat each of my friends differently but they still mean alot to me equally.
  2. Friendship break ups give me the hardest time to stay alive.
  3. i wont always be there for you. as much as i hate admitting it, my promises are sometimes bullshit.
  4. im clingier with friends than i am with my own family.
  5. i have no problem lending money to my friends. money has never been an issue to me tbh and i dont even ask for them back. even if you give it back, i wont take it. youre my friend.
  6. im bad at keeping in touch with my friends
  7. but i also hate it when my friends dont keep in touch with me.
  8. i have days where i shut down and deny we were ever friends. i do it to everyone at once, not just certain people.
  9. i prefer phone calls over texting bc i suck at texting.
  10. i dont open up alot but when i do to you, its a big deal.
  11. even if we dont talk for years, you can still come to me.
  12. i always cave in every fight
  13. if i dont ever admit of being wrong in any fight, probably means i've given up on our friendship and it wasnt my fault to start with
  14. i cut ties with my friends for no reason sometimes
  15. i lowkey hate my friends who change immediately after they found a lover
  16. im especially sensitive with my friends and i get offended easily (but i dont say it)
  17. i forgive my friends easily
  18. i wont get angry if you tell me truthfully and i did not find out from someone else
1 So Tied Up - Cold War Kids
2 Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel
3 Boyfriend - COIN
4 Permission Slip - Mainland
5 Lo-Fi Children - Wild Party
6 Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
7 Go Quietly - Cold War Kids
8 I Would Do Anything For You - Foster The People
9 Feeling - COIN
10 Colder Parts - HUNNY
11 Talking In Your Sleep - Gallant
12 Love Who Loves You Back - Tokio Hotel
13 Sometimes I Want 2 Die - Blackbear

Links
Prom - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/2hRJemxNKRC0kVR3rTs3Mn

Profile - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham

Sem break playlist - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/0Wc46d4hYinQw6cNjX8Qq3
1 Jailbirds - Cold War Kids
2 Pacifier - Catfish and the Bottlemen
3 Bitter Poem - Cold War Kids
4 Waterfalls - TLC
5 Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People
6 Torso - Grouplove
7 So Tied Up - Cold War Kids
8 Outskirts of Paradise - Bad Suns
9 Tongue Tied - Grouplove
10 Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
11 Walking On A Dream - Empire of the Sun
12 First - Cold War Kids
13 Stuck - The Aces

Links
Prom - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/2hRJemxNKRC0kVR3rTs3Mn

Profile - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham

Sem break playlist - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/0Wc46d4hYinQw6cNjX8Qq3
I don’t write about the people I love anymore. Well not as much as I used to. I cant tell if I could never love another person like I did before or Im just afraid whta it will mean once I do write about someone I love.

I used to spill so much even the smallest details like which he emoji he used for every text. Now I just keep it to myself and some days I’d accidentally talk too much about him and people were just too good of a guesser.

I didn’t choose for it to be this way. I sometimes wish I was just so open about the people I love and told everyone about it but Im just too embarrassed to the point that I even keep track of the people who are aware who Im in love with.

1 Waves - Kanye West
2 Pyramids - Frank Ocean
3 Blended Family (What You Do For Love) - Alicia Keys
4 Ultralight Beam - Kanye West
5 Frustrated - R.LUM.R
6 Location - Khalid
7 Redbone - Childish Gambino
8 Selfish - Future
9 LOYALTY. FEAT. RIHANNA. - Kendrick Lamar
10 Nothing Is Promised (with Rihanna) - Mike WiLL Made-It
11 Regret In Your Tears - Nicki Minaj
12 Needed Me - Rihanna
13 PILLOWTALK REMIX - ZAYN
14 Famous - Kanye West
15 In My Feelings - Kehlani

Spotify Links
l Profile
https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham
l R&B
https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/5P4uTIKOgNu1hbtKSdEaN9
l Cloud9
https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/1NVjD5PqDnE1j359B503yW
l Songs to fuck to
https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/2bmJ5iUpSr6aXGdjBCcuM6


I remember less than 5 months ago I was so worried about not being able to continue my studies. I remember being sad about had my friends and I were about to go our separate ways. Now September's around the corner and I've never been so in love. With a person, with the people around me, with how the way my life turned out.

I wake up each morning and for once in my life I dont sigh. For once I actually love going to class. I love my classmates. I feel loved, appreciated and smart tbh. True there are days my lecturers are being a pain in the ass and a few of my classmates turns out to be a cunt but I could live with that.

And there's my friends. Being a new kid will never be easy (even though I was only late for two weeks) and Im glad I had these lovelies to make it less lonely throughout the semester. To every lunch we had together. To every drinks we shared together. To every car ride we had together. Here's to more of it in the future.

BE101 Section 1
To my lovely classmates, every arguments we had together, every teamwork we did to get the lecturer to do something we want, I felt content for the first time ever. They made me feel like being together isnt such a bad thing after all. 

To the boys, thank you for the mcd trips and giving me the opportunity to work with you guys. Thank you for showing me how good it feels like to be surrounded by both genders after being in an all girls school for 11 years. 

It makes me sad to think about again me and my friends we'll be separated for semester 2. Lets just pray some of us stays together.

And to the person I fell in love with, thank you for being the first to know certain things about me. Thank you for the alone time we had together just because you didnt want me to be alone. Thank you for sharing things with me you dont share with anyone else. Here's to more encounters and hopefully more adventures next semester.

I cant lie, it hurts so much. I forgot how painful it feels to fall for someone you could only dream of being with.


  1. Jailbird - Cold War Kids
  2. Hag - Band of Horses
  3. Pacifier - Catfish and The Bottlemen
  4. Bitter Poem - Cold War Kids
  5. Dragging You Around - Greg Laswell ft. Sia
I fell in love.

To see you love someone else right infront of me is the type of pain I wish not to get familiar with. 

  1. Im eighteen this year
  2. Im an aries
  3. I love cats
  4. Im short lmao (160cm)
  5. I sing, write, journal, blog, do art etc
  6. Ive been told im insensivitve towards the people around me
  7. I love my friends. alot. 
  8. Im bad at texting (unless i love talking to them)
  9. I dont like to be touched. at all.
  10. Im really good at handmade gifts ;)
  11. I make playlist
  12. I laugh alot (and horridly)
  13. I listen to all types of music but more to indie
  14. I actually show it when I dislike someone?? (depends)
  15. I despise those who sulk alot
  16. I intentionally hurt people when Im hurting :c
  17. I suffered with severe depression since I was 14
  18. I used to cut myself and got caught
  19. I used to burn myself
  20. Ive never been in a relationship
  21. Boys who sing give me the heart eyes
  22. A sucker for my friends
  23. Im angry most of the times
  24. People who dont know me well are often scared of me 
  25. I cry alot but never in front of people
  26. I have a minor OCD (got it from dad)
  27. Skin contacts give me anxieties 
  28. I took meds for my mental health when I was 16
  29. Ive only truly liked a boy once (for two years)
  30. I like to distract myself with my studies when things go bad

  1. Love Galore - SZA, Travis Scott
  2. Skrt On Me - Calvin Harris, Nicki Minaj
  3. Feels - Calvin Harris, Pharrell Williams, Katy Perry
  4. Drew Barrymore -SZA
  5. Garden - SZA
  6. Rollin - Calvin Harris, Future, Khalid'
  7. Back to You - Louis Tmlinson, Bebe Rexha

My depression came back
THE CONTACT
You see them. Some call it love at first sight but I just find you cute. No matter how much you deny it, looks matters. Your first impression of someone depends on their looks. You're either attracted to them or you don't. 

THE KNOWING
And if you're lucky enough, if you're pretty enough, they see you too. They might not wants you yet but it's just you. They want to get to know you. Are you as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside? 

THE TALKING
Here lies all the giggles, all the laughters, all the tears you share together. They might listen they might not. It's not too late to walk away. Staying might not be like a bad idea for now and so you did. You stayed. 

You start to see the sides of them. The good and the bad. The sides you sometimes hate, the sides you're trying to accept and the sides you can't help but to relate to. 

THE FALLING
The stage where it hurts if something goes wrong. You feel sad and happy at the same time. On good days, you think it turned out it wasn't a bad idea at all to get to know them. On bad days, you want to unmeet them. 

Anxiety is your wingman at this point. You start to hate yourself. Everything starts to remind you of them. Sometimes it makes you giggle, sometimes it makes you mad but most times they were good things and you love it and you kinda start loving them more. 

THE ENDING
If, and only if, you're lucky enough, they might fall for you too and most probably went though the same stages you did. 

But if you're not, you either bury deep in you or stop being denial about it. 



Imagine losing someone you love. No not in a way you get to see them walk out the door and maybe make eye contact in the streets. But i'm a way you truly don't get to see them again and your last goodbye was never truly proper. Imagine the person you love going away to somewhere imaginable and if you do go away to the same place some other day, you might not get to see them again or even remember them. It's a pain I never want to go through. The pain of not being loved back is already unbearable let alone having to live a life where your lover no longer exist. To the one I've not yet to lose, I love you. It may took me a while to realize and you may never know this but I do. I love you in a way I've never loved anyone before and I mean this in the most cliche way possible. I love you as a lover and I love you as a friend. You were a friend I never thought I needed. My love for you may or may not fade or all of this could just be an illusion but you are my friend. You will always be my friend and I look at you more than that. Even if you don't look at me the same. 



I was and I an angry but why it to whom was I angry at was a question I could never answer. I could never tell him, I would feel worse but he needs to know and I wanted to tell. I just didn't know how because I knew the questions that would follow by. And I knew I could never answer. 

To say that I'm probably mad at myself would be cliche but possibly true. But then again I don't feel it. I don't feel anger towards myself. The things I did was never a mistake because I had a reason behind everything. 

Angry at him? I could never. Maybe at first I was but he did sound sorry and I can't stay angry at him forever. Even when I sound like I do. 

At her? I do but that's just not it. I don't have the right to but I do. I've apologized and now she has to do her part. But she isn't and I guess that makes me furious. 



Seeing how in love some people are makes me jealous. It's nice to hear them talk about how their hands fit perfectly with each other or how she talks about like he puts the sky in the stars but it gives me a sick feeling. A sick feeling of not knowing how that feels. 

I remember how it feels like to be in love. I felt that once. It felt great even though I was never loved back. For a split second, it gave me a purpose to wake up each morning. Now that it faded, I find it harder and harder to wake up. Not that I don't want to. I just feel like there no motivation or some sort of inspiration to get the day going. 

To all the lovers out there, love deeply and unconditionally. Love even when you're not loved back. 
There's just something about you. You're the person I talk shit about to someone playfully but deep down I know your good qualities and I appreciate them. Everything you are, the good and the bad, would be something I'd trace my finger with if it was something touchable. You make me want to feel so many things. You make me laugh in the most goofiest ways and worried like a mother for her son. I want to be there for you and hold your hands at times you don't want to be touched nor to be seen. I want to hold like how lovers hold each other. And deep down I hope you feel the same. 

You were a part of my life and I'll cherish that forever. The little memories we had together that feels so big at times will not be forgotten. Although I was sad with the decision you made, I will not chase you. I don't do that anymore. Be well my friend. Take care and I love you. 

I'm unconsciously avoiding people for you 



I'm here but i'm thinking of the things I think at home. 



How does it feel to love someone and to be loved back, having no room for self doubt but only love and trust for each other? 



I cant wait to see you babe 

 
“I realized heartbreak wasn’t poetic when my sister was driving her car 90mph, her hands clenching the steering wheel and her mumbling “I can’t believe I was so stupid.” because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t turn her broken heart into anything more than a mosaic. because when this boy had to talk in front of the class, his eyes watered when he mentioned her name and he shrugged his shoulders and said “sometimes things just don’t work out.” and he still loved her. because when it happened to me I pictured me going 90mph on the highway, and mumbling about how I still loved him but instead I threw something at the wall and I wrote about it. I wrote about how much it hurt and tried to make my ribs cracking with all the weight of my heavy heart sound poetic but it’s not. nothing is beautiful or poetic about the way your heart feels when someone you loved leaves, or doesn’t stay, or says “I’m sorry, it just has to be this way.” and there’s nothing poetic about driving so fast you’re convinced you’re gonna crash into the bridge, but you don’t. and it’s accidentally taking a breath under water even though you know it’ll get in your lungs but you just couldn’t come up for air and it’s not beautiful, it just makes your lungs fucking burn. heartbreak is going to open your mouth and nothing comes out but a few broken pieces of your heart and you swallow it back down in hopes of no one noticing your heart coming up from the ocean waves forming inside your stomach and with just one more look from him, you know you’ll turn into a hurricane and it’s dangerous. it’s not beautiful. it turns people into natural disasters that destruct anything in their paths. it makes hearts so broken you can barely see the flame that sparked it up in the first place, because the ocean inside of them washed it away, and you can’t love him anymore when he’s a flame and you’re the ocean”



The ghost of you still lingers in my mind. I thought of touching you again probably this time because we're so much closer than how we used to be. Physically of course. 

I was too exhausted to write what was going on to the point that I dreamt of you. I didn't know tiredness could do a lot to people let alone make your mind think of the people of you used to love and play it like a movie on your brain. I never thought that you made so much impact on me. I used to think that but soon after that I realized you were just nothing. I guess my brain decided to change thoughts now. 

Things are going well so far. I'm getting along with my roommates in a way my 15 year old self would be shook. My classmates gave the kind of vibes I would immediately avoid but I'm sure it'll pass. The night I had to hear him talk about other girls was weird. It gave me so much emotions I didn't know I could possibly feel but tonight I heard a girl talk about you like she was in love with you and somehow I relate to her. I didn't tell her that but truthfully I don't think my mind told my head that either. 

1. Mø - Nights With You 
2. Camilla Cabello - I Have Questions 
3. Bebe Rexha - The Way I Are (Dance With Somebody)
4. Halsey - Strangers
5. Camilla Cabello - Crying in The Club
6. Halsey - Now or Never
7. Charlie Puth - Attention 
8. Halsey - Eyes Closed 

Today I thought I maybe I love you. It takes me a while to finally admit to myself of loving someone not because I was unsure but just because I didn't want to be the type of person who gives out my love so easily. But the truth be told, I do give out my love easily. Admitting to myself is a struggle but saying out loud seemed impossible. The thing about saying something out loud, you can't really take it back. Whether it's the truth, a white lie or even a joke. I once read a woman can love a man silently for all eternity and I guess that's what I'll do. 
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