thirsty hearts

having a love affair with the sun


  1. Im eighteen this year
  2. Im an aries
  3. I love cats
  4. Im short lmao (160cm)
  5. I sing, write, journal, blog, do art etc
  6. Ive been told im insensivitve towards the people around me
  7. I love my friends. alot. 
  8. Im bad at texting (unless i love talking to them)
  9. I dont like to be touched. at all.
  10. Im really good at handmade gifts ;)
  11. I make playlist
  12. I laugh alot (and horridly)
  13. I listen to all types of music but more to indie
  14. I actually show it when I dislike someone?? (depends)
  15. I despise those who sulk alot
  16. I intentionally hurt people when Im hurting :c
  17. I suffered with severe depression since I was 14
  18. I used to cut myself and got caught
  19. I used to burn myself
  20. Ive never been in a relationship
  21. Boys who sing give me the heart eyes
  22. A sucker for my friends
  23. Im angry most of the times
  24. People who dont know me well are often scared of me 
  25. I cry alot but never in front of people
  26. I have a minor OCD (got it from dad)
  27. Skin contacts give me anxieties 
  28. I took meds for my mental health when I was 16
  29. Ive only truly liked a boy once (for two years)
  30. I like to distract myself with my studies when things go bad

  1. Love Galore - SZA, Travis Scott
  2. Skrt On Me - Calvin Harris, Nicki Minaj
  3. Feels - Calvin Harris, Pharrell Williams, Katy Perry
  4. Drew Barrymore -SZA
  5. Garden - SZA
  6. Rollin - Calvin Harris, Future, Khalid'
  7. Back to You - Louis Tmlinson, Bebe Rexha

My depression came back
THE CONTACT
You see them. Some call it love at first sight but I just find you cute. No matter how much you deny it, looks matters. Your first impression of someone depends on their looks. You're either attracted to them or you don't. 

THE KNOWING
And if you're lucky enough, if you're pretty enough, they see you too. They might not wants you yet but it's just you. They want to get to know you. Are you as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside? 

THE TALKING
Here lies all the giggles, all the laughters, all the tears you share together. They might listen they might not. It's not too late to walk away. Staying might not be like a bad idea for now and so you did. You stayed. 

You start to see the sides of them. The good and the bad. The sides you sometimes hate, the sides you're trying to accept and the sides you can't help but to relate to. 

THE FALLING
The stage where it hurts if something goes wrong. You feel sad and happy at the same time. On good days, you think it turned out it wasn't a bad idea at all to get to know them. On bad days, you want to unmeet them. 

Anxiety is your wingman at this point. You start to hate yourself. Everything starts to remind you of them. Sometimes it makes you giggle, sometimes it makes you mad but most times they were good things and you love it and you kinda start loving them more. 

THE ENDING
If, and only if, you're lucky enough, they might fall for you too and most probably went though the same stages you did. 

But if you're not, you either bury deep in you or stop being denial about it. 



Imagine losing someone you love. No not in a way you get to see them walk out the door and maybe make eye contact in the streets. But i'm a way you truly don't get to see them again and your last goodbye was never truly proper. Imagine the person you love going away to somewhere imaginable and if you do go away to the same place some other day, you might not get to see them again or even remember them. It's a pain I never want to go through. The pain of not being loved back is already unbearable let alone having to live a life where your lover no longer exist. To the one I've not yet to lose, I love you. It may took me a while to realize and you may never know this but I do. I love you in a way I've never loved anyone before and I mean this in the most cliche way possible. I love you as a lover and I love you as a friend. You were a friend I never thought I needed. My love for you may or may not fade or all of this could just be an illusion but you are my friend. You will always be my friend and I look at you more than that. Even if you don't look at me the same. 



I was and I an angry but why it to whom was I angry at was a question I could never answer. I could never tell him, I would feel worse but he needs to know and I wanted to tell. I just didn't know how because I knew the questions that would follow by. And I knew I could never answer. 

To say that I'm probably mad at myself would be cliche but possibly true. But then again I don't feel it. I don't feel anger towards myself. The things I did was never a mistake because I had a reason behind everything. 

Angry at him? I could never. Maybe at first I was but he did sound sorry and I can't stay angry at him forever. Even when I sound like I do. 

At her? I do but that's just not it. I don't have the right to but I do. I've apologized and now she has to do her part. But she isn't and I guess that makes me furious. 



Seeing how in love some people are makes me jealous. It's nice to hear them talk about how their hands fit perfectly with each other or how she talks about like he puts the sky in the stars but it gives me a sick feeling. A sick feeling of not knowing how that feels. 

I remember how it feels like to be in love. I felt that once. It felt great even though I was never loved back. For a split second, it gave me a purpose to wake up each morning. Now that it faded, I find it harder and harder to wake up. Not that I don't want to. I just feel like there no motivation or some sort of inspiration to get the day going. 

To all the lovers out there, love deeply and unconditionally. Love even when you're not loved back. 
There's just something about you. You're the person I talk shit about to someone playfully but deep down I know your good qualities and I appreciate them. Everything you are, the good and the bad, would be something I'd trace my finger with if it was something touchable. You make me want to feel so many things. You make me laugh in the most goofiest ways and worried like a mother for her son. I want to be there for you and hold your hands at times you don't want to be touched nor to be seen. I want to hold like how lovers hold each other. And deep down I hope you feel the same. 

You were a part of my life and I'll cherish that forever. The little memories we had together that feels so big at times will not be forgotten. Although I was sad with the decision you made, I will not chase you. I don't do that anymore. Be well my friend. Take care and I love you. 

I'm unconsciously avoiding people for you 



I'm here but i'm thinking of the things I think at home. 



How does it feel to love someone and to be loved back, having no room for self doubt but only love and trust for each other? 



I cant wait to see you babe 

 
“I realized heartbreak wasn’t poetic when my sister was driving her car 90mph, her hands clenching the steering wheel and her mumbling “I can’t believe I was so stupid.” because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t turn her broken heart into anything more than a mosaic. because when this boy had to talk in front of the class, his eyes watered when he mentioned her name and he shrugged his shoulders and said “sometimes things just don’t work out.” and he still loved her. because when it happened to me I pictured me going 90mph on the highway, and mumbling about how I still loved him but instead I threw something at the wall and I wrote about it. I wrote about how much it hurt and tried to make my ribs cracking with all the weight of my heavy heart sound poetic but it’s not. nothing is beautiful or poetic about the way your heart feels when someone you loved leaves, or doesn’t stay, or says “I’m sorry, it just has to be this way.” and there’s nothing poetic about driving so fast you’re convinced you’re gonna crash into the bridge, but you don’t. and it’s accidentally taking a breath under water even though you know it’ll get in your lungs but you just couldn’t come up for air and it’s not beautiful, it just makes your lungs fucking burn. heartbreak is going to open your mouth and nothing comes out but a few broken pieces of your heart and you swallow it back down in hopes of no one noticing your heart coming up from the ocean waves forming inside your stomach and with just one more look from him, you know you’ll turn into a hurricane and it’s dangerous. it’s not beautiful. it turns people into natural disasters that destruct anything in their paths. it makes hearts so broken you can barely see the flame that sparked it up in the first place, because the ocean inside of them washed it away, and you can’t love him anymore when he’s a flame and you’re the ocean”



The ghost of you still lingers in my mind. I thought of touching you again probably this time because we're so much closer than how we used to be. Physically of course. 

I was too exhausted to write what was going on to the point that I dreamt of you. I didn't know tiredness could do a lot to people let alone make your mind think of the people of you used to love and play it like a movie on your brain. I never thought that you made so much impact on me. I used to think that but soon after that I realized you were just nothing. I guess my brain decided to change thoughts now. 

Things are going well so far. I'm getting along with my roommates in a way my 15 year old self would be shook. My classmates gave the kind of vibes I would immediately avoid but I'm sure it'll pass. The night I had to hear him talk about other girls was weird. It gave me so much emotions I didn't know I could possibly feel but tonight I heard a girl talk about you like she was in love with you and somehow I relate to her. I didn't tell her that but truthfully I don't think my mind told my head that either. 

1. Mø - Nights With You 
2. Camilla Cabello - I Have Questions 
3. Bebe Rexha - The Way I Are (Dance With Somebody)
4. Halsey - Strangers
5. Camilla Cabello - Crying in The Club
6. Halsey - Now or Never
7. Charlie Puth - Attention 
8. Halsey - Eyes Closed 

Today I thought I maybe I love you. It takes me a while to finally admit to myself of loving someone not because I was unsure but just because I didn't want to be the type of person who gives out my love so easily. But the truth be told, I do give out my love easily. Admitting to myself is a struggle but saying out loud seemed impossible. The thing about saying something out loud, you can't really take it back. Whether it's the truth, a white lie or even a joke. I once read a woman can love a man silently for all eternity and I guess that's what I'll do. 

I am awake. Tired, sleepy and in pain, physically and mentally. I feel so much emotions rushing in. If I listened closely, I could feel my blood rushing in between the veins, trying to keep me alive. That's how it is now. I am trying to keep it together. My hearts beating too fast and I didn't even know it. 

I dont know what Im so worried about. The fact that I wont be in the comfort of my own home this time around next week or the thought of having so much to do at once and not doing anything at all to change it. Or is it the sick feeling of missing the ones I've not even left yet. Maybe it's the discovery of an emotion I never thought of before and now I'm too terrified to admit it. 

"I will be okay, I will be okay" is something I unconsciously whisper to myself every now and then. And don't get me wrong I am okay, sometimes. During the day mostly. Or when I'm too sleepy to think and the bed is all I see. But certain hours I just can't do it. Well I heard that sudden body combustion is a thing now. 
 
This is it, I'm missing you more than ever. I just saw a few hours ago and I kept wanting you. I wanted to touch you. I wanted to tell you how much I cared for you and how all of this hurts too much for me more than it does to you. Leaving never felt so hard. 

the realization hit me in the car but not that hard. maybe a couple of times when i saw a glimpse of the sunset between the clouds or a few times before the traffic light turned green. I try not to think of the bitter things and trying to focus on the good memories i can carry around like a handbag when i'm away. i dont know what scares me the most to be honest, the thought of being further away or the realization of being away hitting me at the wrong time. maybe at night when everything's quiet except for my mind or when i've already settled in and this homesickness suddenly decided to stop by. but what i'm definitely most scared of is the feeling of missing someone. at this rate it isn't just one person honestly i can't even count with my fingers. but i will try to focus on the good things and constantly remind myself that every day that passes by is a day closer to when i'll get to see them again 

There are a few types of people in life you choose not to forget and sometimes highly impossible but if sooner or later you do, they don't really matter that much to you. 

There's your families. Parents, siblings etc, I mean unless I was reborn, there's no really deleting them from my memory. Unless like your second cousin or long lost aunty then I'm sorry, which side are you from again? 

Then there's the people who open doors for you or in other words, kind strangers. Although you're bound to forget who they are exactly but their kind gesture will always be remembered. 

And then there's friends, my favorite. Not those type of friends who you look back to and be like, "Where do I know her from?" or "He looks familiar" but those friends who gives you constant flashbacks, remembering every good moment you had with them. The type of friends who shared millions of insides jokes, who make you put polaroids of them in your wallet or who sometimes make you scroll your camera roll late at night just to remember how it felt like to be around them. The type of friends who make you say things like "We should keep in touch" and actually mean it, those are the friends you don't want to forget. The past year I've been blessed enough to cross paths with these people I can't even start to describe how wonderful they are. They gave me that high school friends experience that you see on tv within six months than I have been searching for almost five years. 

Here's an appreciate post for the friends I've made. The ones I don't talk to anymore. The ones I text just to say happy birthday. The ones I talk to everyday. The ones I miss everyday. The ones I rant to. The ones I don't reply their texts to. The ones I reconnected with after so long. The ones I fought with. This is for the friends I love and will continue to love till eternity. The ones I forgot how to love. And this is also for the friends who stopped loving me.

Najiha's Surprise birthday
Nasya <3



Last Day of SPM


Nasreen & Nasya



Fifi's open house!!









 
1. Im an Aries
2. I hate pastas
3. I love heights
4. I'm not athletic but I'd love to rock climb, sky dive etc
5. I take good pictures (im not full of myself, it's true)
6. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 13?¿ (but not the critical type)
7. I'm paranoid lmao
8. I'm really bad at texting y'all should know
9. I journal and write and draw
10. I listen to all kinds of music but I'm more to indie
11. I read (when I have the money to buy books)
12. I don't like body contact (hugs, skin contact etc)
13. I hate kids but probably because Im not good with them.
14. I used to cut/burn myself but I've stopped
15. The best year I had was probably 2016
16. The worst 2014 definitely
17. I have great friends I LOVE THEM
18. Obsessed with polaroid pictures
19. I wouldn't call myself a neat freak but I'm very particular on certain things
20. I can sing? I think yea




I wrote this spontaneously on New Year's eve with the thought of how great 2016 has been and I was honestly sad to leave it. But I also had a positive attitude about 2017 also oblivious about how things like right now are bound to happen. 

I promised myself that i wouldn't get attached to 2016 like how i did with the years before because how they just keep ending tragically. I'll either lose someone or start losing myself in ways i could never forgive myself but this year i couldn't help myself. Things were going so well to the point that i told myself if i wished hard enough, 2017 wouldn't have to come along. Of course that didn't work because here i am writing this, only an hour away from 2017. I'd like to thank those who i crossed path ways with and also those who i burned bridges with. Here's to another great year. Happy New Years!! 🎉✨ with love, 
Najwa
 
I wanted to die tonight. Not in a trendy way some people has been doing these days but I actually wanted to die. I've not wanted to die in so long and the last time I had those tendencies I was really in a bad place. This past year has been something. I had something to look forward to everyday. To wake and be excited about something. But today, everything vanished. I had this sick feeling, imagining myself waking everyday and actually have to go through it. I could physically feel myself feeling so sick like waking up from a really bad hangover. I guess that's what it has been this past year. Just days of binge drinking alcohol without a thought of that this phase or whatever it is will end. If reality check was a day, today would be it. 
 
They say rock bottom is when you feel the absolute worst, when there's no where to go. Optimists would just say when you're at the lowest the only way to go is up but others find comfort. I on the other hand find zero comfort about being at rock bottom nor am I going up. Heck I feel like I'm not even at rock bottom in the first place. But I feel like shit that's for sure. I didn't get in. Things have never been my for as long as I can remember but I know it's because I don't pray enough. I'm trying to be okay with it but to think that I think it's unfair, is unfair. Sometimes when I'm reminded of it, it hurts. The head pounding type of hurt. But when I'm distracted I feel okay. Okay enough to think that I'll be okay. But I guess it has always been at the back of my head and only resurfaces occasionally, will I really be okay? 
 
I had a conversation with a very good friend about his patience towards someone who treated him the way he doesn't deserve to. I didn't question his patience, I respect that. I questioned his ego. Well it didn't seem like it when I was practically swarming him with questions like "Why didn't you fight back??". Not in those words exactly, but something similar. 

My ego was bigger than his, no doubt there. In fact, I was also being egotistical about who's egos are bigger. I'm patient, I know that, but all this while I thought I neutralized that with my ego but before this I'd call it "self love". I knew the limit between being patient with someone and still having some dignity. The fine line wasn't really that fine to me. 

Questions like why's and how's were filling up in my brain about why is my friend still being his patient self with this other person. And he gave me an answer that kept me up at night writing exactly this, "I dont know I just am". Truly ridiculous and I definitely can't relate. Took me awhile to start writing on this probably because maybe I do relate. It took me a few hours to understand him but I do. 

Sometimes being around the people you love, they bring out a side to you you never thought existed. I didn't recall not lashing out on someone every time they treat me wrong but I do now. Everytime they're hurt and they intentionally hurt me, I take a step back before my angry self responds. That's when patience come in. And I had so much of it to the point where I'd question myself. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, when the people you love bring out good sides of you you don't even know existed, that's when you know they're good for you. 


1. Whatever I'm angry about with my parents, it will always be nothing compared to what they've done for me
2. Everyone has a different definition for achievement
3. We don't have to talk everyday to stay friends
4. "You don't like him, you love him"
5. If it hurts, it matters
6. I'll miss them, whoever they are, even if I don't know it 
7. Being kind is the key to almost everything
8. It's okay to leave if they're toxic to me
9. I can't expect people to be the same like me
10. Everyone deals with pain differently, respect all
11. Trust no one. Hurt none
12. It's okay to not be okay once in a while
13. I can't force people to feel something that isn't there
14. They love me, they just don't say it
15. I can never truly understand myself but that's okay
16. It's okay to be selfish sometimes
17. Be careful of who I rant to  
18. Every good thing must come to an end


I feel stuck, and I mean that in the most depressing imaginable. Unlike six months ago when things were so great. When I actually felt like I had my shit together. Now I feel like every ounce of happiness, contentment and positivity has been sucked out of me. I feel happy, don't get me wrong. I know what happiness is but only on certain days, with certain people. 

Six months ago I felt nothing but, what's another word for contentment? Well I felt more than that and never in my life have I ever felt so grateful that things are going my way. It was a good year. 

And just like any other great things, it had to end. It's probably nothing but my old self was resurfacing. It's as if I could see myself standing so still while everything else was moving forward, as life around me was moving forward but I was just there, alone and still. I started noticing the slightest change and it sometimes kept me up at night. It'd make me so depressed to the point that I feel nothing but emptiness and it's awful. 

I'm trying to find away to fix this. To fix myself mostly, I swear. I don't want to be this way. I want to be grateful, happy and enough. I will get through this, I just need someone to tell me that everyday. 
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