thirsty hearts

having a love affair with the sun



I am sick and tired. Not in a poetic or metaphoric way but literally. I have been sick for weeks. It gets better then it gets worse again. I feel like I've not had a proper sleep for days and each morning I wake up, I physically and mentally ache. 

I am at that point of my life where I'm constantly worried. To that point that I dont know of what. I am questioning each decision I make. One wrong word from anyone or even myself, I break. 

I have issues with myself currently. The constant feeling of not being worthy enough. Am I up for it? Can I really handle it? or similar questions pop up my mind. I doubt myself like I've never doubted anyone before. I question my capability and my state of mind. Am I in the right place to do such things? 

And then there's issues with my feelings. There always will. This doesn't worry me much but it's there in my head and it's pointless, causing me more stress. Then the insecurities creep in and I fall back the rabbit hole of self hatred. 

Speaking of hatred, I get bad vibes from most people nowadays. And the worst part is most of the time my instincts were right. People talk, people change, people pretend. 



I am sorry for the times I dragged you down with me. Little did I know how good you were for me, but I was toxic for you. People don't know you, they hate you because you've been seen with me. I'm sorry for the times you've been hearing negative whispers about yourself from random passers by. You hear voices from the people you thought you had no issue with and it's all because of me. 

Thank you for the times I felt lost, empty, and indecisive. Thank you for telling me the things people from my past couldn't tell me. Thank you for showing me how toxic the people from my past life were. Thank you for understanding me at times I didn't even understand myself. 

I don't mind being teared down or stepped on, but to see the people I love go down with me for the things I did is something I can't bare to live with. I'm sorry for not being able to do anything about it. I've moved on, but a part of me wants to fight for you. 

I regret no decisions I make after you. You make me prosper and healthier in ways I've been trying to be in years. I'm sorry for being selfish for keeping you with me to make myself grow but at the same time it tears you down. I'm sorry my problems dragged you down with me. 


This one's for the inside jokes. This one's for the impromptu road trip. This one's for the endless laughters. This one's for the time I listened to you talk for hours. This one's for every gas money I paid. This one's for every insult we gave each other. This one's for every time I roasted you. This one's for the every time you gave me a ride. This one's for every meal I had with you. This one's for the fights we never had. This one's for the times you were there for me. This one's for the times I was there for you. This one's for every song you recommended me. This one's for all the movies we watched together. This one's for you. 
I dont know how to feel right now. Things are great but at the same time they arent. I am in love but at the same time Im not. My friends arent talking to each other at the moment and I absolutely dont feel the need to fix things. My new housemates are great but I still feel like I cant trust them.

I know I don't ever say these words to you and probably never will because maybe to you and to myself of course it's too cliche. Even at times when I do say it I make sound more like a joke but I still meant it. 

You give me support I thought I never needed. Even if you never showed it or I never truly saw it, sometimes I stop for a while and really think about it, I know your true intentions and it's probably the most sincere and purest I've ever received. 

You are the definition of a good friend. You're always there even at times when I don't need you to. You've never exactly given me the secret to a happy life but you never fail to make me laugh after a rough day. Seeing you gives me the type of happiness many has been longing. 

I know I'm not exactly the type of friend everyone wishes to have but somehow at the end of the day you're still the one who chooses to stay. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you. And I'm sorry for not treating you the way you wanted to be treated and I promise I will try to fix myself everyday. 

You are understanding, caring, wise. You were raised well. You know boundaries. You are educated and open minded. You are so many things and I cannot be any more prouder of you as a friend. 






I told a lot of people about you, people I was close to. I told them how I loved you, how you almost loved me back. I told them in details and while in tears. 

A year or so has passed you and the thought of you still lingers in my head. Not in an unhealthy way or anything, you're just there. Certain things don't remind me of you anymore. They're just inanimate objects now. 

Sometimes I think about reaching out to you again. Why? for a lot of reasons. I see myself changed after you. Not in obvious ways but in small details that took me a while to finally see. I find it hard to fall for someone now. Not because I've not moved on or anything. I just find hard to develop feelings. Even if I do, it's temporary. 

I don't know my worth anymore. A friend came to me to seek advice about a boy who only goes to her when he needs attention. She said she's been in a relationship with a man who's treated her better. While I said I'd stay. I told her you did something similar and I stayed. With you, it was probably one of the worst years of my life but it was the only time I ever felt alive. 

I guess what people say about you never really stop loving someone. You'll either love them less and you never loved them at all. I guess there's still a little bit of you in me. 


      I'm sorry this took me awhile to write but I just wanted to make sure I find the right words to express myself. First of all happy birthday. I really hope I get to meet you soon and I really hope you'll have a great birthday this year. 

      And I'm sorry. Generally for everything. I just constantly feel the need to apologize to you and Nasya. I was never a good friend and I've realized that for the longest time now and I'm still trying to fix myself. 

      I guess you could say what we used to have could never be recovered. We've tried it but it's just not the same anymore. You have it with someone else now but to me I can never have it again. 

      It would be a lie to say that how things right now doesn't make me sad. You were there for me when I needed you and I liked being there for you. I honestly still remember the times when we talked on the phone about the boys we liked. The times we cried over the phone together and even the day when we first met each other. 

      This day last year I was really hyped to celebrate your birthday because I remember you were so stressed out about work and so many other things. I remember surprising you at where you work. It's sad really what happened over the months and I honestly know where I went wrong. I remember our first fight. It was the absolute worst. I hated myself. 

      You and Alan has always been the fairytale everyone wants and it honestly makes me happy to see how it's still going on so strong. I really pray you guys will make it to the end. Inshallah he's the one. 

      You are no doubt one of the people that really made an impact in my life Nasreen. I could never put it in words. You made my last year in high school even better even without being in the same school. 


      I know my words are just all over the place because honestly that's how my mind is right now but I guess what I'm trying to say that I really hope you don't stop seeing me as a friend. I really hope that when someone mentions my name, i'm not just someone you used to be close with. I really hope you think of me as someone you can go to whenever you're doubting yourself. Even if we talk once every two months. I love you. Both you and Nasya. I know i'm really bad at showing it but for fucks sake you guys are so so important to me. You are beautiful, loving, caring and so many things. You're one of the people good took time making. I really mean it. Goodnight boo and happy birthday 💛🎉

2018 goals
·        Less hating in 2018
·        Less cursing in 2018
·        More reading in 2018
·        More complimenting in 2018
·        More loving in 2018
·        Less negativity in 2018
·        More studying in 2018
·        More smiling in 2018
·        More laughing in 2018
·        More friends in 2018
·        More thinking in 2018
·        Less assuming in 2018
2018 playlist
·        Why Don’t You Come On – DJDS, Khalid, Empress Of
·        Candy Paint – Post Malone
·        Pull The Trigger – Russ
·        I Fall Apart – Post Malone
·        Japanese Denim – Daniel Caesar
·        Do Like That – Korede Bello
·        Down For You – Russ
·        Beautiful – Bazzi
********
This semester went by too fast. It’s as if I was just standing at the side and watched myself succeed then fail over and over again. Everytime I walk forward ten steps I feel like I’ve been pushed back 1000 steps backwards. It wasn’t all failure though. There were still moments I want to keep in a box forever and just look back at it whenever.
There are people I don’t talk to anymore. Important people. To say that it wasn’t meant to be would just be an awful way to cover things up. Things happened and there you have it.
And then there are people I spent my whole semester with. From meeting each other only after classes to spending the whole night playing truth or dare. These people are the people I am so so grateful for. I cant promise myself I would keep them forever. It’s a thing I do, to leave people unexpectedly with no absolute reason. I don’t expect people to understand because I don’t myself but what I do understand for now is to live the moment. Don’t create problems that aren’t there.
There was the suicidal urges. I kept this mostly to myself. It wasn’t big of deal but it still makes me flinch everytime it passes through my mind.
This semester was the semester I cried a lot. Mostly for myself. My friends saw me at my lowest. Although they didn’t know what to do at the moment they still stayed and asked if I were okay. I found true friends. Even though I lost a few of them, I found new ones. They helped me in many ways and in no way I could repay them.
I moved out. A fresh start I guess. A new roommate with new people.

To wrap it up I guess I could say this semester was so many things but it was never regret.
I'm still trying to figure out what 2017 meant to me. Some say it was the year of realization, the year got self love but it meant a lot more to me. It was the year I found real friends. It was also the year I lost them. It was the year I lost myself for awhile and was given help to be found again. It was the year I almost failed my semester, was harrassed and threatened. It was the year my birthday was celebrated for the first time by the people I love. Now I no longer see them. I guess you could say 2017 was the year good things happened followed by the bad things I could never imagine happened. 

I am terrified of 2018. I've had enough of imagining things that would happen. I would like to hope for the best but still be prepared for the worst. 
The last time I was here I had everything what I wanted. Well I still do, just with different people. I never promised you happiness nor happy ending infact I promised you the complete opposite. I warned you. 1st January marks the day I leave everything behind. Every 200 days or so we spent together. We may see again in the streets but only as strangers.

In darkness there is light. And that’s you, every eight of you. I leaned to you, more than I should’ve. My biggest fear is myself. Will I repeat what I did?

Semester 2 is coming to an end and Im having mixed feelings about it. Looking back at how it went, it wasn’t at all how I expected. Friends became enemies, strangers became friends, friends became someone I came to love.

Im moving out, metaphorically and literally. Literally, a place with 10 breaths of fresh air which one I have no problem inhaling, somehwere nearer to college. Metaphorically, moving out from the negatvity. The negativity and the hostility throughout the semester.

I have found new friends throughout the process and might have fallen for one of them. People who I never thought I would be friends with. And the thought of leaving them scares me so so much. I love them.  
On 5th October I came out. There’s no other way of putting it. It was an ice breaking session and it happened, infront of 34 people I barely knew. Some were supportive (they were dabbing) but mostly probably didn’t know what pansexual meant based on their faces.

I showed signs when I was younger but back then we didn’t have terms like pans or bis so I had no other way but to surpress it. Back then you are either straight or not, there’s no in between.

Its funny how I managed to keep it together for 11 years since all I ever surrounded was with girls. The minute a friend told me who she was I started questioning everything and started to look at things differently. It started to answer a few of unsolved questions I’ve been wondering about all my life. Some call it culture shock. I mean they’re not wrong though. It probably is, Im still unsure of it.

But what Im sure of is how people acted around me afterwards. Some wanted to be me, others look at me as if if sin were a person, it would be me.

I wish it was easier to say that I was more inclined to one gender. Im just in the middle, in a gray area like my life isnt confusing enough. But I guess I just have to learn that there isnt any exact explanation for who I am and there will never be.
If I ever lost myself again, find myself in tears with bloody hands and the urge to write, this would be my suicide note.

“It’ll be too cliche and to be honest if I started this letter “By the time you’re reading this, I would be dead” but there’s no lies to that and it is true, by the time you’re reading this, I will be dead, whoever you are.

This was never an act of selfishness or foolishness. It was an act of bravery I presume and out of hope. My intentions were never to hurt anyone or give them the satisfaction that Im no longer around.

I couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t the people at school or the condition at home, they were fine. It was just me. I couldn’t stand being me anymore. The paranoia and the anxiety were consuming too much of myself to the point I couldn’t recognize the person I see in the mirror.

I didn’t know how I looked like in the eyes of someone else. Was I too great of an actor playing the role of someone who knows exactly what theyre doing in life or does my depression shows on my skin like a tattoo that could only be removed through painful surgery? I guess you get to decide that.

I did not love myself as much as I shouldve. All that love were given bit by bit to the people who probably doesnt deserve it. I respected myself but not enough to stop myself from writing this letter.

One thing that took me too long to realize was you should never let someone else be the reason to stay alive. Wake up and be thankful for being alive because of yourself, not someone else.

Regrets and tears would be useless by this time. I got I want now, you can move on. Remember me as someone who always gets what they want, not someone who was so sick for being themselves.”

For those who are suffering from depression or any type of mental illness please know that there’s always another option even when you feel like theres not. Im always free to talk to and heres a list of suicide hotline numbers from all over the world.

² Albania                       127
² Algeria                        0021 3983 2000 58
² Argentina                  (054-011) 4758 2554
² Australia                     1-800-273-8255    
² Austria                        142
² Bahamas                    328-0922 / 322-4999 /322-2763
² Bahrain                      0097 161 199 188/ 0097 161 199 260 / 0097 161 199 191 / 0097 161 199 334
² Barbados                    (246) 42 99 999
² Belgium                     106
² Bolivia                        00 591 4 4 25 42 42
² Bostwana                  3911270    
² Brazil                         +55 51 211 2888
² Canada                      514-723-4000
² China                         0800-810-1117
² Colombia                 (00 57 5) 372 27 27
² Costa Rica               506-253-5439
² Croatia                     (01) 4833-888
² Cuba                          532 348 14 49
² Cyprus                      +357 77 77 72 67
² Denmark                   +45 70 201 20
² Ecuador                    593 2 6000 477
² Eqypt                         762 1602/3
² Estonia                     126 /127
² Fiji                             (0679) 670565
² Finland                     040-5032199
² France                       +33 951 11 61 30
² Germany                  0800 1110 222
² Ghana                        233 244 846 701
² Greece                       1018
² Guatemala               1-800-999-9999
² Guyana                     +592 223-0001, 223-0009, 600-7896, 623-4444
² Honduras                 (00 504) 2558 08 08 /2232-1314
² Hong Kong               2389 2222 /2382 0000
² Hungary                     (46) 323 888
² India                           2549 7777
² Iran                             1480
² Israel                           1201
² Italy                            800 86 00 22
² Jamaica                    930 – 1152 / 1-888-429-KARE (5273)
² Japan                        +81 (0) 3 5286 9090    
² Kenya                         +254 20 300 0378/205 1323
² Latvia                         371 67222922   
² Liberia                       06534308
² Lithuania                   8-800 2 8888
² Luxembourg             454545
² Malaysia                    (063) 928 500 39
² Malta                          179
² Mauritius                 46 48 889  Befrienders
² Mexico                       525-510-2550
² Namibia                    61-232-221  
² Netherlands             0900-113 0 113
² New Zealand            0800 543 354
² Nicaragua                 2311-7361   
² Norway                       +47 815 33 300
² Papua New Guinea  675 326 0011 (Daytime only)
² Peru                           (00 51 1) 273 8026
² Philippines               (02) 8969191 /893 7606
² Poland                      52 70 000 /52 70 988
² Portugal                   (+351) 225 50 60 70
² Russia                      007 (8202) 577-577   
² Samoa                       32000    Samoa Lifeline
² Serbia                       037 23 025
² Singapore                 1800 221 4444
² South Africa             0861 322 322     Lifeline South Africa
² South Korea             (02) 715 8600
² Spain                         0145 900 50
² Sri Lanka                  011 057 2222662
² St. Vincent              (784) 456 1044
² Sudan                      (249) 11-555-253
² Sweden                    (46) 31 711 2400
² Switzerland              143
² Thailand                   (02) 713-6793
² Tonga                      23000 /25144    
² Trinidad & Tobago        (868) 645 2800   
² Turkey                      182
² UK & Ireland           +44 8457 90 90 90    Samaritans
² Ukraine                    058
² USA                            1-800-273-TALK(8255)   Suicide Prevention Lifeline
² Venezuela                0241-8433308
² Zimbabwe                (9) 650 00


1. Make it to Dean's list 
2. Experience 
3. Explore 
4. Be organized 
5. Make friends 
6. Fall in love 
7. Fall in love again 
8. Speak third language! 
9. Worry less 
10. Study more 


  1. I treat each of my friends differently but they still mean alot to me equally.
  2. Friendship break ups give me the hardest time to stay alive.
  3. i wont always be there for you. as much as i hate admitting it, my promises are sometimes bullshit.
  4. im clingier with friends than i am with my own family.
  5. i have no problem lending money to my friends. money has never been an issue to me tbh and i dont even ask for them back. even if you give it back, i wont take it. youre my friend.
  6. im bad at keeping in touch with my friends
  7. but i also hate it when my friends dont keep in touch with me.
  8. i have days where i shut down and deny we were ever friends. i do it to everyone at once, not just certain people.
  9. i prefer phone calls over texting bc i suck at texting.
  10. i dont open up alot but when i do to you, its a big deal.
  11. even if we dont talk for years, you can still come to me.
  12. i always cave in every fight
  13. if i dont ever admit of being wrong in any fight, probably means i've given up on our friendship and it wasnt my fault to start with
  14. i cut ties with my friends for no reason sometimes
  15. i lowkey hate my friends who change immediately after they found a lover
  16. im especially sensitive with my friends and i get offended easily (but i dont say it)
  17. i forgive my friends easily
  18. i wont get angry if you tell me truthfully and i did not find out from someone else
1 So Tied Up - Cold War Kids
2 Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel
3 Boyfriend - COIN
4 Permission Slip - Mainland
5 Lo-Fi Children - Wild Party
6 Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
7 Go Quietly - Cold War Kids
8 I Would Do Anything For You - Foster The People
9 Feeling - COIN
10 Colder Parts - HUNNY
11 Talking In Your Sleep - Gallant
12 Love Who Loves You Back - Tokio Hotel
13 Sometimes I Want 2 Die - Blackbear

Links
Prom - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/2hRJemxNKRC0kVR3rTs3Mn

Profile - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham

Sem break playlist - https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/0Wc46d4hYinQw6cNjX8Qq3
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