i miss you. i miss you so much. i miss being able to tell you literally everything. what i felt, what i didnt. i miss being safe with you. i miss not caring about not having anyone but you. i miss how much i mattered to you as much as you mattered to me. but at one point you decided that had to stop. why did you? why did you had to leave me scarred and traumatized like a three year old boy whose dad had abandoned? why did you have to cause me panic attacks late at night no matter how long this issue has been? why did you have to leave me with unanswered questions and myself to blame?

the smallest thing breaks me these days. im still deciding if this makes me break or if it means i trust myself more in the hands of God. i started believing in things like "everything happens for a reason" or the smallest actions or incident is a sign from high above. i started living in the moment more. but it starts to hurt more. i felt like could survive from a bullet shot now i feel like im in a surgery room and the next thing the doctor decides to do will either make or break me.

i started to love, really love. a person specifically, and the best feeling in the world especially when i dont feel like im the only one in it. no one told me you become selfless when you start loving someone. this isnt not knowing what your worth is. trust me, i know that feeling. this feeling is the exact opposite. this feeling is wholesome. it brings the good side of you.

but the higher you go, the harder you fall. in my case the fall feels like a suicide as im the one who's always causing it. im more careful of my actions and my words, and ive not learned how to use it in a good way.

i've talked about the future a lot of times, "imagine in five years" this, "imagine what happened to us in 10 years" that, but i never really REALLY ever thought of it i guess. but yesterday i just started to. i was triggered and questions just keep popping in my head. i start to questions the decisions i made, the actions i took and honestly i dont know if it's good or bad.

if you're reading this, you're it. i discovered the true meaning of friendship when i was seventeen and even then i thought it was too late for me to make friends. until i met this group of crackheads that made me feel like i was given a different life, a better one. and that was it, until all of us had to part ways for a better future. just like any other relationships i've had, i thought this was going to end. but its never the end with them.

fast forward to when i am twenty now, i keep the memories of those crackheads at the back of my mind, waiting to make new ones in the nearest future. they are my life and soul.

I probably did something right in life because again my fate brought me to few more great people. they were added to my list of people I wish to visually perceive again in probably thirty or fifty years from now. they never replaced the old ones, they're just there to make life a little more intriguing. they are great people, I dont deserve them.

so i guess this is when i start to write again, when i dont know what to do or who to say it to. this is the kind of ache that makes my heart beat so fast that my chest physically hurts.

i have to go. i always wanted to, but apart of me wanted to bring you too. this isn't goodbye, but it isn't exactly "i'll see you soon" either. This is just another door closing. I know this door will disappear and I'll be okay again, waiting for another door to open. But I don't want to close this door, I want to be on the other side. The other side has happiness, laughter and even sadness. But this side, this side is just sadness.

All the bridges built has crumbled in front of my eyes. The ones I thought that I'll bring along with me to my future, it destroyed before me and there's nothing I can do.

And then there's you, oh god you. I don't think I'll ever find another you. I'll just be looking for you. But me, you will find another me.

I know I sometimes can get a little speechless about something, but this time I truly am. No words could describe the Hell I had to go through to get here. I had to lose a few people only to gain a couple of great ones. Strangers had to deliver me bad news regarding the people I trust the most. Although I had moments when I felt like I a rising Phoenix, I still hated every second of it.

I think the most painful part of it was realising I had become weaker. The slightest thing can break me. I had support, I just couldn't help myself and that made me feel worse.

I never knew being attached to people could be this saddening even at the most unnecessary times. I mean, I know how it feels like to be attached, but I was never this dependant to anyone before this. It brings out parts of me I sometimes don't like to see.

There are the ugly days. The ugliest ones makes you feel the shittiest the most. Sometimes you just want them to be there, their presence, right in front of you even without anything to say. But even a "no" with a very much valid reason can make you tear up.

Personally the worst feeling is when they're hurting, and there's nothing you can do. How far they are from you just adds salts to the wound. You'll feel like you just want him in your arms more than anything in the world, but you can't.

There are even days when you're hurting, and they don't even know. Sometimes you just don't want to tell, you just want them to know on their own.

It isn't all gloomy days. It's sometimes also the best thing that has ever happened to you. The littlest things keep you up at night. The smallest gestures make you smile the widest.

Time feels so fast when you're with them, it's unbelievable.

But that's the thing when you give someone you're everything, it's scary. The inevitable truth of getting hurt, it haunts you and gets to you at your weakest.

I'm in a more rational state to write what I've been through these past few months. I've learn to love, I've learn to hate, I've learn to mentally kill people in my head.

It's been a really long 5 months but when I really think about it, it's just weeks after weeks after weeks. In those weeks there were good, there were bad and some of the weeks just felt average. I've been too busy thinking of the bad. I've been thinking of what will happen and the what ifs but never really embracing the what is happening.

To talk about the good, well I really can't. Even pictures or videos or moments that were uploaded for the rest to see could never fully capture how truly happy I were in the moment. I would not trade anything for it.

Maybe it wasn't bad at all to meet these people, to have them touch my life. Maybe in a few years I'd still see their faces and would still never be sick of them.

Describing myself as someone detached has been a habit of mine for far too long, I forgot that I've have people that I've kept around for longer than five years and I am capable of doing so again.

I didn't realise I am seen as someone lovable as I always surround myself with my friends and no one other. My feelings for my friends are genuine and I wish nothing but the best for them.

Yes, I've changed but I'm still trying to figure out if it's permanent or temporary. How my persona changes infront of different set of eyes. Maybe it's normal, I tell myself. As long as it first badly affect my loved ones then I guess it's okay.

Well this is me signing off. Not saying goodbye for the last time. But saying let's see each other next time, we'll be better, greater.

I've always looked at endings as a goodbye. I hate it. It has become a part of me to automatically leave things, people, places, memories behind whenever I feel like it's about to end. It never had to be that way. There's always a next time but I never believed it that way and it's saddening. I don't want to leave everything behind and end things in a sad way. I wanna see these people again. I wanna go to these places again. I want to relive it whenever I want. But I never can. And I guess that's one of my toxic behaviours.

I miss. I dont know what I miss but I'm constantly missing. I miss people, I miss places, music, moments and it aches so much not being able to express myself or go back to it just to have a taste of it again. Orang kata, tak dapat nak lepas kan rindu. What hurts more is when I compare what I miss with what I have now. It's never the same. It's sometimes more, sometimes less. But it hurts the same.

My heart wasn't supposed to break for an almost lover, but it did, and God did it hurt like hell.

We loved each other, we loved each other so goddamn much, but never at the same time. Always one but not the other. And how unfortunate it was to confess those feelings that we weren't supposed to have only to find out that they were gone in the other person.

We both knew there was love but too scared to do anything about it, until it was too late, until it was definitely over. Until confessing that there was love was the only thing that could be done to try and dull the deep heart ache that was being felt over a "friendship".

Everyone knew it was more. We didn't. It was always more though. It was always love. A love that now we will never know if it could've survived. A love that never got a chance. A love that now gets ignored and pushed away. A love that is searched for in other people knowing that it will never be found.

My heart will always ache for you, my "friend".

This semester has been a lot to take in, just like any other semester, but this time I was happy. So, so happy, I was on top of the world. But also just like any other semester, it lasted only for four months.

I was in a really bad place earlier this year and to think I rose up to where I was about a week ago, it was unbelievable. Now I just feel like I'm slowly going down the stair to where I was at in January.

Truth be told, there were no tears throughout these four months until a couple of hours ago. It was all laughters great food, great places and not to forget, great people.

It's hard when someone with a heartbeat becomes a part of you. It's hard to let them go. I was prepared to let go, well that was what I thought, but things changed. I guess I got too comfortable to the point I did not think about the bad things that could possibly happen.

I dont know what to feel right now. Constantly torn between being selfless and selfish. Wanting the best for myself without making others feel the worst. But here I am, doing the best I can for others while feeling the worst for myself.

The people I encounter were unbelievable. The old ones got better, the new ones became the best. Yes, there were fights and the feeling of being torn between the people I care for, but it was something I got through. But can I get through it now?

I know, I know I've been through worse, but right now, at the moment, everything seems so unbearable. It seems like it would be better to just jump off level 8.

But let's focus on the good, shall we?The new experience, the places my feet had the chance to set touch, the people I had the chance to love and the people who loved me back. It's all about moving forward and taking in every positive vibes you get. This semester has truly been the best and I would not trade the memory of it with anything.

i have been thinking a lot but not at all at the same time. I know it doesn't make sense but that's how things are now. Things are good. Bad things still happen but ones I can dodge and still feel good about myself. I'm stressing over healthy things and I have friends around me who radiates the same energy as I do. Not only a few years ago but even four months ago I was lost, at rock bottom. I felt completely demotivated by something I was even unaware of. It feels good to look back at it now that i'm in a better surrounding. I've realised putting too much thought into something will only get the best of you. Sometimes it's enough to go with it as long as you're happy about it. Obstacles will still come no matter how much you avoid it. Sometimes it's better to do now, think later.

i feel content, in doubt, but still content. I refuse to focus on the bad. I have good friends, good surroundings, good life. Ya Allah if you ever going to take this away from me, please take it away gently. Every night I go down to see people I cherish, to see people who are as excited to see me. The feeling I can only find in my hometown now I've found it nearer to me. A bunch of people I'd call a do or die. And I'd come up in the morning every fucking day like a one night stand from different guys. But it's the same people, doing the same stupid shit, having a laugh over smallest things. I no longer feel as lost as I used to be a month ago. And the best part of it, I still manage to go to class and get my work done. These the type of people I wish to keep for the rest of my life.

yours truly, the happiest version of me

I took a moment and read some of my old entries and it made me realize how much in pain i was. I mean I still am but back then being 15 and already knew the feeling of a heartbreak? that's just not right. I was so dark and intense. Did that make who I am now today? Could've I been something else? Something better maybe. I refuse to look back 10 years from now and see zero progress. I refuse to be in more pain. I want to prosper.

I know this will probably be nothing in a months or even weeks if I'm lucky enough but everything hurts so much. I don't know where or how but it just hurts. I dont know what to do to make it better. Every actions I take or every words I say there are consequences that causes not only me but the people I love a greater pain. Ya Allah I'm begging to make this pain, this confusion and this fear to stop. I've been hurt before but I don't know what is it this time. I usually tell myself that it will be over it will be over but this time there's a really dark part of me just feels like it won't.

Only the second month into 2019 and a lot has been taught and a lot has been learned. Again feeling like you're at the bottom of the ocean just shows how much you're living. I felt betrayed even when I shouldn't but just like any other human, my feelings can't be helped. Not being in control sucks but that's just the way of life.

Things are good now. Funnily just two days ago I did not even feel like breathing. But things changed and it will keep changing. The good will go and the bad shows up. And that time it may be like the world is ending but I just need to remind myself that it isn't.

Love is learned and understood. Love is being able to feel at ease. Love is being able to be happy for someone else. Love is letting go. Love is acceptance. Love is all kind of forms. Love is pain.

There are few things I'd still like to talk about though.
How do you let go a friend you love so dearly to someone else? How do you watch the person you love choose someone else that makes them happy over you? How do people tell the difference between what makes them happy and selfishness? What's the difference between selfishness and knowing what you deserve?

2019 made me question so many thing. These questions are never really answered. You just gotta wake up each day, makes a decision for yourself and hope to God you don't hurt someone's feelings.  I never meant for it to be this hard on someone else or even on me. With the right intentions and an open mind, things will be okay. 2019 will be okay.

damn, what was 2018 to me. I had so much happening to me to the point i cant really conclude if it was a good year or a bad year. I had both great and bad friends. Educationally i was going somewhere and nowhere at the same time so what was it?

I guess i could point outs a few of my memorable moments in 2018. Nor greats ones or bad ones, just memorable.

I fell in i love i guess. For the second time in my entire life. This time it was different, this time i actually spent time together in each others' presence. Laid in bed with him, played his hair, held his hands, shared my music, had him pouring his heart out to me at 2am and still had him left me hanging. now i only pretend to excitedly waving at home and have a few minutes of breathing difficulty as the aftermath. now i only gulp at the thought of him being so close to my friends but no longer to me.

but it still had great friends. friends who makes me happy. friends who remembers me. friends who make me laugh. and occasionally friends who make me sad.

but i guess i could say 2018 was the year i went out of my and keep discovering something new. i became friendlier, more confident. i like that. i became bolder. my 15 years old self really couldnt see me where i am now.

and i started a bad habit. a bad habit that anyone beyond my life in kl i hid from. i was not influenced nor was it peer pressure. and it wasnt exactly the stress but i just started it.

i felt so detached the tnire year honestly. idek i was just so sick of getting hurt. later on i just realized that i never got attached and it did not hurt me ever since. but guess the fact that it didnt kind bothers me.

Semester five only reminds me of being tired and tears. Tears of joy, tears of heartbreak, I felt them both. Tears of joy was probably the highlight of 2018. I worked so fucking hard for something and I got what I deserved.

Then there's the tears of heartbreak. Something I forgot how it feels like. I forgot how much it made me wanted to die. My friends never fail to disappoint me. As saddening as it sounds, that's how they are,and Im still friends with them.

Then there's the boy I speak highly off last semester. Him. I truly ran out of words for him. Thinking of him only brings me to tears. I even force myself to be angry at him but i cant. I just cant.

I miss him. so bad. He doesnt even look for me anymore but when i do, he talks to me as if im just one of  his followers. I would know because i used to be only that, and now im back to square one. I dont fucking know what to do anymore. I was doing so fucking fine.