I miss my friends. Friends who take care of me, friends whom I take granted of. The “how are you?” when they see one bad tweet. The “gosh i miss hanging out with you” even though they barely even do. These people value your presence the way they should be valued and yet I look pass that. They’re the type to observe from far and I still choose not to see them.

I was doing okay, I genuinely was. Even I was weirded out about it because I remembered being swallowed by depression for almost four months just trying to accept the fact that I am never able to be loved by another human being, but with you, I am still sad but I know I’m doing better. Comes August 1st, National Girlfriend Day. I wasn’t bothered by it or any of people’s posts but my phone rang and I was wished, and before I knew it, food was already on the way. It made me happy, and nervous, and that butterflies that I’ve been longing to have for quite some time. And I immediately came back to my senses. Nothing changed. We’re never changing. And I forgot about that for a split second and that made me sad. The realization hit me harder than ever and now I truly don’t know what to feel.

I’ve never worried about marriage. I always thought that would be something that would happen naturally if I don’t think too much about it. I thought it’s something years from now. But after losing someone I thought was the love of my life and someone I’d end up with, marriage has been lingering at the back of my mind. I feel like I am at that age that it is too late to meet someone new. It is too late to learn about someone’s bad habits or memorize their allergies. I had all that, I did all that and now those information are no longer useful to me. They say to live your twenties the most, but I truly believe once you reach your thirties, people did live their twenties but with their loved ones while you tried to do it alone. Now everyone around you are with the people their destined with but you’re still trying to find someone that fits your piece of the puzzle. Sometimes people don’t fit your piece of the puzzle, you have to figure out a way to make it fit, but being in your thirties, by the time you do find a way to make it fit, someone probably found a faster way and beat you to it. And you end up in step one all over again, the family background, the favorite food, the “what did you wanted to be when you were younger” questions. I am not saying one has to get married or the whole purpose of existing is to bound yourself to another person, I am saying this as someone who truly has not ever felt the loving of another person and that takes a toll on how I choose to live my life, to love myself and other people or to hate while I love myself.

After being knocked some senses by Kamila two nights ago on a facetime call, I actually felt better. I was still sad that it was over but I guess it was inevitable. I was thinking of how undeserving you are of me, how I was simply too much for you and you just had to find someone less. Even if things were able to get better between us, I truly believe we are destined for disaster anyways. I loved you so so much but I guess too much to the point that I was harming myself, like I usually do. but this morning, after finally disconnecting ourselves in the most possible way, I felt sad. I guess I was finallly realizing that things are really over now. I truly cannot predict how it will be once I am back in kl, but as if now, it is unbearable. I want to stay friends, but sometimes you make it hard. you sometimes make me feel like this wasnt even a friendship to even start with. Maybe because i expect more from you, and that's just how you usually treat your friends.

After a night of crying and headache and trying to sleep, I woke up feeling no better. No morning texts, no have you eaten texts, no custom sound notifications. Remind me to change that to the default sound. I feel like I won’t be able to get through the day. This aches so much. We ended in good terms but the idea of him being able to be with someone who isn’t me just aches so much.

after three months of being away, and for almost two months of having lonely breakfasts and lunchs, im finally going back. and for quite some time. i dont think i havent been at home for over a week in like two years. i liked being in kl, surrounded by friends and never ending adventures. well at least it used to. i feel happy that i get to be at home. nothing's like having comfort food 24/7. but then again, i dont know. i think i've lost touch. with life in general. everybody probably feels the same with covid going on so im nothing special. i stumbled upon some old memories yesterday and it made me super unnecessarily nostalgic. i had so many friends, like stupid many. i remembered having problems back then but i cant seem to recall what it was, so i guess it wasnt that big of a deal. all i remember when i look back, i feel like i was at my peak. and i took that for granted. even the people i had back then.

I suddenly have this wave of sadness. I dont know probably because im going back for quite some time and i wont be able to see you anymore. The distance between us will just get bigger. But i guess that one thing that lingers in my mind is that you’re my friend. And im so so grateful for that. I know i expect you the more than what we are and I shouldn’t and im sorry i get upset about that.

I realize that i can’t always be surrounded by a group of friends that I genuinely like because at some point of our friendship i somehow always manage to find something that irks me about them. I’m not saying that it’s their fault, I know that I am the problem. And in some other lifetime or reality i would have someone professionally tell me that it’s just some defense mechanism due to trauma but i just believe that i am unable to truly connect with someone. I know life is all about co dependency but I’ve always wanted to do things on my own and now that I possibly might not need to, I’m coming up with reasons that is sabotaging myself.