Brokenness, misunderstandings, hatred

And that's the thing with me and friendships, it hits me harder than any type of relationship there is. It woke me up on more nights than any boy ever did like how an average teenager should go through. 

Brokenness, misunderstandings, hatred, that's all there is to it. That how friendships are defined in my life. 

I beat myself up for not apologizing enough or maybe for the wrong thing. I blame myself for cracks formed those friendships. I looked myself in the mirror and said, "YOU were the reason they left." 

I crave long term friendship more than I imagine about my future husband. I want those cliché group of friends that go out in the middle of the night to get snacks. But why do everytime I care for someone, they never care back? Why do everytime I be there for someone, they want someone else to be there for them? Why am I treated as if I'm invisible? What is so wrong about me? 

Maybe I'm meant to stay alone for the rest of my life. Maybe, just maybe