Archive for June 2017

THE CONTACT

You see them. Some call it love at first sight but I just find you cute. No matter how much you deny it, looks matters. Your first impression of someone depends on their looks. You're either attracted to them or you don't.

THE KNOWING

And if you're lucky enough, if you're pretty enough, they see you too. They might not wants you yet but it's just you. They want to get to know you. Are you as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside?

THE TALKING

Here lies all the giggles, all the laughters, all the tears you share together. They might listen they might not. It's not too late to walk away. Staying might not be like a bad idea for now and so you did. You stayed.

You start to see the sides of them. The good and the bad. The sides you sometimes hate, the sides you're trying to accept and the sides you can't help but to relate to.

THE FALLING

The stage where it hurts if something goes wrong. You feel sad and happy at the same time. On good days, you think it turned out it wasn't a bad idea at all to get to know them. On bad days, you want to unmeet them.

Anxiety is your wingman at this point. You start to hate yourself. Everything starts to remind you of them. Sometimes it makes you giggle, sometimes it makes you mad but most times they were good things and you love it and you kinda start loving them more.

THE ENDING

If, and only if, you're lucky enough, they might fall for you too and most probably went though the same stages you did.

But if you're not, you either bury deep in you or stop being denial about it.

Imagine losing someone you love. No not in a way you get to see them walk out the door and maybe make eye contact in the streets. But i'm a way you truly don't get to see them again and your last goodbye was never truly proper. Imagine the person you love going away to somewhere imaginable and if you do go away to the same place some other day, you might not get to see them again or even remember them. It's a pain I never want to go through. The pain of not being loved back is already unbearable let alone having to live a life where your lover no longer exist. To the one I've not yet to lose, I love you. It may took me a while to realize and you may never know this but I do. I love you in a way I've never loved anyone before and I mean this in the most cliche way possible. I love you as a lover and I love you as a friend. You were a friend I never thought I needed. My love for you may or may not fade or all of this could just be an illusion but you are my friend. You will always be my friend and I look at you more than that. Even if you don't look at me the same.

I was and I an angry but why it to whom was I angry at was a question I could never answer. I could never tell him, I would feel worse but he needs to know and I wanted to tell. I just didn't know how because I knew the questions that would follow by. And I knew I could never answer.

To say that I'm probably mad at myself would be cliche but possibly true. But then again I don't feel it. I don't feel anger towards myself. The things I did was never a mistake because I had a reason behind everything.

Angry at him? I could never. Maybe at first I was but he did sound sorry and I can't stay angry at him forever. Even when I sound like I do.

At her? I do but that's just not it. I don't have the right to but I do. I've apologized and now she has to do her part. But she isn't and I guess that makes me furious.

Seeing how in love some people are makes me jealous. It's nice to hear them talk about how their hands fit perfectly with each other or how she talks about like he puts the sky in the stars but it gives me a sick feeling. A sick feeling of not knowing how that feels.

I remember how it feels like to be in love. I felt that once. It felt great even though I was never loved back. For a split second, it gave me a purpose to wake up each morning. Now that it faded, I find it harder and harder to wake up. Not that I don't want to. I just feel like there no motivation or some sort of inspiration to get the day going.

To all the lovers out there, love deeply and unconditionally. Love even when you're not loved back.

There's just something about you. You're the person I talk shit about to someone playfully but deep down I know your good qualities and I appreciate them. Everything you are, the good and the bad, would be something I'd trace my finger with if it was something touchable. You make me want to feel so many things. You make me laugh in the most goofiest ways and worried like a mother for her son. I want to be there for you and hold your hands at times you don't want to be touched nor to be seen. I want to hold like how lovers hold each other. And deep down I hope you feel the same.

You were a part of my life and I'll cherish that forever. The little memories we had together that feels so big at times will not be forgotten. Although I was sad with the decision you made, I will not chase you. I don't do that anymore. Be well my friend. Take care and I love you.

I'm unconsciously avoiding people for you

I'm here but i'm thinking of the things I think at home.

How does it feel to love someone and to be loved back, having no room for self doubt but only love and trust for each other?

I cant wait to see you babe

“I realized heartbreak wasn’t poetic when my sister was driving her car 90mph, her hands clenching the steering wheel and her mumbling “I can’t believe I was so stupid.” because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t turn her broken heart into anything more than a mosaic. because when this boy had to talk in front of the class, his eyes watered when he mentioned her name and he shrugged his shoulders and said “sometimes things just don’t work out.” and he still loved her. because when it happened to me I pictured me going 90mph on the highway, and mumbling about how I still loved him but instead I threw something at the wall and I wrote about it. I wrote about how much it hurt and tried to make my ribs cracking with all the weight of my heavy heart sound poetic but it’s not. nothing is beautiful or poetic about the way your heart feels when someone you loved leaves, or doesn’t stay, or says “I’m sorry, it just has to be this way.” and there’s nothing poetic about driving so fast you’re convinced you’re gonna crash into the bridge, but you don’t. and it’s accidentally taking a breath under water even though you know it’ll get in your lungs but you just couldn’t come up for air and it’s not beautiful, it just makes your lungs fucking burn. heartbreak is going to open your mouth and nothing comes out but a few broken pieces of your heart and you swallow it back down in hopes of no one noticing your heart coming up from the ocean waves forming inside your stomach and with just one more look from him, you know you’ll turn into a hurricane and it’s dangerous. it’s not beautiful. it turns people into natural disasters that destruct anything in their paths. it makes hearts so broken you can barely see the flame that sparked it up in the first place, because the ocean inside of them washed it away, and you can’t love him anymore when he’s a flame and you’re the ocean”

The ghost of you still lingers in my mind. I thought of touching you again probably this time because we're so much closer than how we used to be. Physically of course.

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