I told a lot of people about you, people I was close to. I told them how I loved you, how you almost loved me back. I told them in details and while in tears.
A year or so has passed you and the thought of you still lingers in my head. Not in an unhealthy way or anything, you're just there. Certain things don't remind me of you anymore. They're just inanimate objects now.
Sometimes I think about reaching out to you again. Why? for a lot of reasons. I see myself changed after you. Not in obvious ways but in small details that took me a while to finally see. I find it hard to fall for someone now. Not because I've not moved on or anything. I just find hard to develop feelings. Even if I do, it's temporary.
I don't know my worth anymore. A friend came to me to seek advice about a boy who only goes to her when he needs attention. She said she's been in a relationship with a man who's treated her better. While I said I'd stay. I told her you did something similar and I stayed. With you, it was probably one of the worst years of my life but it was the only time I ever felt alive.
I guess what people say about you never really stop loving someone. You'll either love them less and you never loved them at all. I guess there's still a little bit of you in me.
2018 goals
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Less hating in 2018
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Less cursing in 2018
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More reading in 2018
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More complimenting in 2018
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More loving in 2018
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Less negativity in 2018
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More studying in 2018
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More smiling in 2018
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More laughing in 2018
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More friends in 2018
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More thinking in 2018
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Less assuming in 2018
2018 playlist
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Why Don’t You Come On – DJDS, Khalid,
Empress Of
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Candy Paint – Post Malone
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Pull The Trigger – Russ
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I Fall Apart – Post Malone
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Japanese Denim – Daniel Caesar
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Do Like That – Korede Bello
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Down For You – Russ
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Beautiful – Bazzi
********
This semester went by too fast. It’s as if
I was just standing at the side and watched myself succeed then fail over and
over again. Everytime I walk forward ten steps I feel like I’ve been pushed
back 1000 steps backwards. It wasn’t all failure though. There were still
moments I want to keep in a box forever and just look back at it whenever.
There are people I don’t talk to anymore.
Important people. To say that it wasn’t meant to be would just be an awful way
to cover things up. Things happened and there you have it.
And then there are people I spent my whole
semester with. From meeting each other only after classes to spending the whole
night playing truth or dare. These people are the people I am so so grateful for.
I cant promise myself I would keep them forever. It’s a thing I do, to leave
people unexpectedly with no absolute reason. I don’t expect people to
understand because I don’t myself but what I do understand for now is to live
the moment. Don’t create problems that aren’t there.
There was the suicidal urges. I kept this
mostly to myself. It wasn’t big of deal but it still makes me flinch everytime
it passes through my mind.
This semester was the semester I cried a
lot. Mostly for myself. My friends saw me at my lowest. Although they didn’t know
what to do at the moment they still stayed and asked if I were okay. I found
true friends. Even though I lost a few of them, I found new ones. They helped
me in many ways and in no way I could repay them.
I moved out. A fresh start I guess. A new roommate
with new people.
To wrap it up I guess I could say this semester
was so many things but it was never
regret.
I'm still trying to figure out what 2017 meant to me. Some say it was the year of realization, the year got self love but it meant a lot more to me. It was the year I found real friends. It was also the year I lost them. It was the year I lost myself for awhile and was given help to be found again. It was the year I almost failed my semester, was harrassed and threatened. It was the year my birthday was celebrated for the first time by the people I love. Now I no longer see them. I guess you could say 2017 was the year good things happened followed by the bad things I could never imagine happened.
I am terrified of 2018. I've had enough of imagining things that would happen. I would like to hope for the best but still be prepared for the worst.
