I'm in a more rational state to write what I've been through these past few months. I've learn to love, I've learn to hate, I've learn to mentally kill people in my head.

It's been a really long 5 months but when I really think about it, it's just weeks after weeks after weeks. In those weeks there were good, there were bad and some of the weeks just felt average. I've been too busy thinking of the bad. I've been thinking of what will happen and the what ifs but never really embracing the what is happening.

To talk about the good, well I really can't. Even pictures or videos or moments that were uploaded for the rest to see could never fully capture how truly happy I were in the moment. I would not trade anything for it.

Maybe it wasn't bad at all to meet these people, to have them touch my life. Maybe in a few years I'd still see their faces and would still never be sick of them.

Describing myself as someone detached has been a habit of mine for far too long, I forgot that I've have people that I've kept around for longer than five years and I am capable of doing so again.

I didn't realise I am seen as someone lovable as I always surround myself with my friends and no one other. My feelings for my friends are genuine and I wish nothing but the best for them.

Yes, I've changed but I'm still trying to figure out if it's permanent or temporary. How my persona changes infront of different set of eyes. Maybe it's normal, I tell myself. As long as it first badly affect my loved ones then I guess it's okay.

Well this is me signing off. Not saying goodbye for the last time. But saying let's see each other next time, we'll be better, greater.

I've always looked at endings as a goodbye. I hate it. It has become a part of me to automatically leave things, people, places, memories behind whenever I feel like it's about to end. It never had to be that way. There's always a next time but I never believed it that way and it's saddening. I don't want to leave everything behind and end things in a sad way. I wanna see these people again. I wanna go to these places again. I want to relive it whenever I want. But I never can. And I guess that's one of my toxic behaviours.

I miss. I dont know what I miss but I'm constantly missing. I miss people, I miss places, music, moments and it aches so much not being able to express myself or go back to it just to have a taste of it again. Orang kata, tak dapat nak lepas kan rindu. What hurts more is when I compare what I miss with what I have now. It's never the same. It's sometimes more, sometimes less. But it hurts the same.

My heart wasn't supposed to break for an almost lover, but it did, and God did it hurt like hell.

We loved each other, we loved each other so goddamn much, but never at the same time. Always one but not the other. And how unfortunate it was to confess those feelings that we weren't supposed to have only to find out that they were gone in the other person.

We both knew there was love but too scared to do anything about it, until it was too late, until it was definitely over. Until confessing that there was love was the only thing that could be done to try and dull the deep heart ache that was being felt over a "friendship".

Everyone knew it was more. We didn't. It was always more though. It was always love. A love that now we will never know if it could've survived. A love that never got a chance. A love that now gets ignored and pushed away. A love that is searched for in other people knowing that it will never be found.

My heart will always ache for you, my "friend".