the smallest thing breaks me these days. im still deciding if this makes me break or if it means i trust myself more in the hands of God. i started believing in things like "everything happens for a reason" or the smallest actions or incident is a sign from high above. i started living in the moment more. but it starts to hurt more. i felt like could survive from a bullet shot now i feel like im in a surgery room and the next thing the doctor decides to do will either make or break me.

i started to love, really love. a person specifically, and the best feeling in the world especially when i dont feel like im the only one in it. no one told me you become selfless when you start loving someone. this isnt not knowing what your worth is. trust me, i know that feeling. this feeling is the exact opposite. this feeling is wholesome. it brings the good side of you.

but the higher you go, the harder you fall. in my case the fall feels like a suicide as im the one who's always causing it. im more careful of my actions and my words, and ive not learned how to use it in a good way.

i've talked about the future a lot of times, "imagine in five years" this, "imagine what happened to us in 10 years" that, but i never really REALLY ever thought of it i guess. but yesterday i just started to. i was triggered and questions just keep popping in my head. i start to questions the decisions i made, the actions i took and honestly i dont know if it's good or bad.

if you're reading this, you're it. i discovered the true meaning of friendship when i was seventeen and even then i thought it was too late for me to make friends. until i met this group of crackheads that made me feel like i was given a different life, a better one. and that was it, until all of us had to part ways for a better future. just like any other relationships i've had, i thought this was going to end. but its never the end with them.

fast forward to when i am twenty now, i keep the memories of those crackheads at the back of my mind, waiting to make new ones in the nearest future. they are my life and soul.

I probably did something right in life because again my fate brought me to few more great people. they were added to my list of people I wish to visually perceive again in probably thirty or fifty years from now. they never replaced the old ones, they're just there to make life a little more intriguing. they are great people, I dont deserve them.

so i guess this is when i start to write again, when i dont know what to do or who to say it to. this is the kind of ache that makes my heart beat so fast that my chest physically hurts.

i have to go. i always wanted to, but apart of me wanted to bring you too. this isn't goodbye, but it isn't exactly "i'll see you soon" either. This is just another door closing. I know this door will disappear and I'll be okay again, waiting for another door to open. But I don't want to close this door, I want to be on the other side. The other side has happiness, laughter and even sadness. But this side, this side is just sadness.

All the bridges built has crumbled in front of my eyes. The ones I thought that I'll bring along with me to my future, it destroyed before me and there's nothing I can do.

And then there's you, oh god you. I don't think I'll ever find another you. I'll just be looking for you. But me, you will find another me.

I know I sometimes can get a little speechless about something, but this time I truly am. No words could describe the Hell I had to go through to get here. I had to lose a few people only to gain a couple of great ones. Strangers had to deliver me bad news regarding the people I trust the most. Although I had moments when I felt like I a rising Phoenix, I still hated every second of it.

I think the most painful part of it was realising I had become weaker. The slightest thing can break me. I had support, I just couldn't help myself and that made me feel worse.