After being knocked some senses by Kamila two nights ago on a facetime call, I actually felt better. I was still sad that it was over but I guess it was inevitable. I was thinking of how undeserving you are of me, how I was simply too much for you and you just had to find someone less. Even if things were able to get better between us, I truly believe we are destined for disaster anyways. I loved you so so much but I guess too much to the point that I was harming myself, like I usually do. but this morning, after finally disconnecting ourselves in the most possible way, I felt sad. I guess I was finallly realizing that things are really over now. I truly cannot predict how it will be once I am back in kl, but as if now, it is unbearable. I want to stay friends, but sometimes you make it hard. you sometimes make me feel like this wasnt even a friendship to even start with. Maybe because i expect more from you, and that's just how you usually treat your friends.

After a night of crying and headache and trying to sleep, I woke up feeling no better. No morning texts, no have you eaten texts, no custom sound notifications. Remind me to change that to the default sound. I feel like I won’t be able to get through the day. This aches so much. We ended in good terms but the idea of him being able to be with someone who isn’t me just aches so much.

after three months of being away, and for almost two months of having lonely breakfasts and lunchs, im finally going back. and for quite some time. i dont think i havent been at home for over a week in like two years. i liked being in kl, surrounded by friends and never ending adventures. well at least it used to. i feel happy that i get to be at home. nothing's like having comfort food 24/7. but then again, i dont know. i think i've lost touch. with life in general. everybody probably feels the same with covid going on so im nothing special. i stumbled upon some old memories yesterday and it made me super unnecessarily nostalgic. i had so many friends, like stupid many. i remembered having problems back then but i cant seem to recall what it was, so i guess it wasnt that big of a deal. all i remember when i look back, i feel like i was at my peak. and i took that for granted. even the people i had back then.

I suddenly have this wave of sadness. I dont know probably because im going back for quite some time and i wont be able to see you anymore. The distance between us will just get bigger. But i guess that one thing that lingers in my mind is that you’re my friend. And im so so grateful for that. I know i expect you the more than what we are and I shouldn’t and im sorry i get upset about that.