I miss my friends. Friends who take care of me, friends whom I take granted of. The “how are you?” when they see one bad tweet. The “gosh i miss hanging out with you” even though they barely even do. These people value your presence the way they should be valued and yet I look pass that. They’re the type to observe from far and I still choose not to see them.

I was doing okay, I genuinely was. Even I was weirded out about it because I remembered being swallowed by depression for almost four months just trying to accept the fact that I am never able to be loved by another human being, but with you, I am still sad but I know I’m doing better. Comes August 1st, National Girlfriend Day. I wasn’t bothered by it or any of people’s posts but my phone rang and I was wished, and before I knew it, food was already on the way. It made me happy, and nervous, and that butterflies that I’ve been longing to have for quite some time. And I immediately came back to my senses. Nothing changed. We’re never changing. And I forgot about that for a split second and that made me sad. The realization hit me harder than ever and now I truly don’t know what to feel.

I’ve never worried about marriage. I always thought that would be something that would happen naturally if I don’t think too much about it. I thought it’s something years from now. But after losing someone I thought was the love of my life and someone I’d end up with, marriage has been lingering at the back of my mind. I feel like I am at that age that it is too late to meet someone new. It is too late to learn about someone’s bad habits or memorize their allergies. I had all that, I did all that and now those information are no longer useful to me. They say to live your twenties the most, but I truly believe once you reach your thirties, people did live their twenties but with their loved ones while you tried to do it alone. Now everyone around you are with the people their destined with but you’re still trying to find someone that fits your piece of the puzzle. Sometimes people don’t fit your piece of the puzzle, you have to figure out a way to make it fit, but being in your thirties, by the time you do find a way to make it fit, someone probably found a faster way and beat you to it. And you end up in step one all over again, the family background, the favorite food, the “what did you wanted to be when you were younger” questions. I am not saying one has to get married or the whole purpose of existing is to bound yourself to another person, I am saying this as someone who truly has not ever felt the loving of another person and that takes a toll on how I choose to live my life, to love myself and other people or to hate while I love myself.