It’s like everything good I’ve ever written was for someone else. All the love songs, the sunsets, the good food, good places, every tiny happy thoughts were about someone else instead, i just did't know it yet. I lied to myself when I said I was happy. What I felt wasn’t happiness, but instead it was just the feeling of settling for something that were much less for me. This year took a turn and my emotions are splattered like paints on the wall. Most part of the year were just dark toned colours but now i feel like colours are slowly emerging and they weren’t splatters after all, just subtle strokes, like God’s work in progress of my life.
I dare not to say that things will get better from now as I am terrified. I am terrified of myself. I have a long history of getting what I want and just ruining it, crushing it with my own bare hands. I am unable to accept that good things are for me too and yet I always crave for it. Inshallah now is the time. All this time it wasn’t character development, it was just a once in a life time preparation of the worst. Maybe now it’s my time to improve, with better surroundings and words of encouragement from the right people.
May this year end not like how the past three years happened.
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