Only the second month into 2019 and a lot has been taught and a lot has been learned. Again feeling like you're at the bottom of the ocean just shows how much you're living. I felt betrayed even when I shouldn't but just like any other human, my feelings can't be helped. Not being in control sucks but that's just the way of life.

Things are good now. Funnily just two days ago I did not even feel like breathing. But things changed and it will keep changing. The good will go and the bad shows up. And that time it may be like the world is ending but I just need to remind myself that it isn't.

Love is learned and understood. Love is being able to feel at ease. Love is being able to be happy for someone else. Love is letting go. Love is acceptance. Love is all kind of forms. Love is pain.

There are few things I'd still like to talk about though.
How do you let go a friend you love so dearly to someone else? How do you watch the person you love choose someone else that makes them happy over you? How do people tell the difference between what makes them happy and selfishness? What's the difference between selfishness and knowing what you deserve?

2019 made me question so many thing. These questions are never really answered. You just gotta wake up each day, makes a decision for yourself and hope to God you don't hurt someone's feelings.  I never meant for it to be this hard on someone else or even on me. With the right intentions and an open mind, things will be okay. 2019 will be okay.

damn, what was 2018 to me. I had so much happening to me to the point i cant really conclude if it was a good year or a bad year. I had both great and bad friends. Educationally i was going somewhere and nowhere at the same time so what was it?

I guess i could point outs a few of my memorable moments in 2018. Nor greats ones or bad ones, just memorable.

I fell in i love i guess. For the second time in my entire life. This time it was different, this time i actually spent time together in each others' presence. Laid in bed with him, played his hair, held his hands, shared my music, had him pouring his heart out to me at 2am and still had him left me hanging. now i only pretend to excitedly waving at home and have a few minutes of breathing difficulty as the aftermath. now i only gulp at the thought of him being so close to my friends but no longer to me.

but it still had great friends. friends who makes me happy. friends who remembers me. friends who make me laugh. and occasionally friends who make me sad.

but i guess i could say 2018 was the year i went out of my and keep discovering something new. i became friendlier, more confident. i like that. i became bolder. my 15 years old self really couldnt see me where i am now.

and i started a bad habit. a bad habit that anyone beyond my life in kl i hid from. i was not influenced nor was it peer pressure. and it wasnt exactly the stress but i just started it.

i felt so detached the tnire year honestly. idek i was just so sick of getting hurt. later on i just realized that i never got attached and it did not hurt me ever since. but guess the fact that it didnt kind bothers me.