i have so much negativity in me that i can start feeling it eating me from the inside. i find it hard forgiving someone for something that i've no longer suffer from. i feel like a bad person. a bad person towards everyone else and a bad person towards myself. i see the good people im surrounded with, even the ones i hate, i dont deserve them. but what can i do? its as if im incapable of being someone nice or decent for even a second. 

So much to say, but it just won’t come out. It’s so fucking hard. Daily conversations going on in my head constantly, surreal scenarios, but never to put it out in real life. There’s hate, there’s love, there’s confusion. I keep them to myself. To say them out loud would just be an embarrassment. There would be questions going on in my head. Am I in the right state of mind? Is this the lack of sleep talking? Or do I genuinely feel this way? Should I really say it? But I never do anyways. 

I know I probably won’t send this to you but I’d like to think that I will and you’re aware of this. Every ounce of care and love that I have, it is dedicated to you. You are the best friend, the best lover, the best listener, the best giver that anyone could’ve asked for. You have your flaws that I sometimes would notice, but I would just find myself accepting it as a part of who you are. I find myself loving it much more. I have days that I am unbearable and I apologise. I too apologise if on some stormy days my facial expressions and body language isn’t on the good side. But I promise you I get better day by day. I am ashamed of myself, of my behaviours towards you that hurt you when your only intentions were nothing but purity. I also want to apologise for the days when God was a little bit too harsh on you. It’ll get better, I promise. I wish to be with you forever, to continue our hardships, our good days, together. But I know deep down we won’t get to. And I don’t like being hurt. I’ve never told you this but I’m hurting myself. Every decisions and every sincere efforts that were made for you were only hurting me. I just want to make you happy. It hurts me more to see you sad, hurt or anything synonymous to it. Everything I said to you were never out of lust nor out of sympathy. I just genuinely felt that about you. And then there’s this. 

I've been feeling extra lonely these days, can someone tell me why? I've dealt with this feeling for over a decade now but at the moment it just seems unbearable. I've been craving affection and attention like mad probably because I've been receiving it before and now that I don't, I crave it more and more. It's making me sad as I realise I've been receiving not from the right person. And I'm not sure if I can do anything about it.