I dread for the day when I no longer need you. When I stop saying good things about you, when I stop talking about you at all. You’ve given me good things to think about and cherish, but it would be a lie to say that most of the things I would be remembering aren’t the bad moments.
I cannot entirely blame you. Most of it is my fault. I’ve been hurting myself all this while with false hopes and maybe too much confidence for myself. I saw signs from and and myself, and I ignored, and that’s on me.
But i just wish you would’ve tried harder, as hard as i did. So when we both fall, I wouldn’t be the only one hurt, shows that I was below you all this while.
I would say a 9??? i was having a rough morning because i had to prepare for my debate assessment, and it was hard to get some privacy, even for school stuff!! but i managed and i was so so nervous for my debate because a) i did not practice at all (even though the night before my team literally exhanged points with the opposition team) and b) i was given the role that did not have much to say so i was disappointed :// but it all worked out because i improvised and i was quite satisfied. i slept the rest of the day and at night i dyed my hair!! it turned out uneven but i still love it
"They were made, perfectly, to love each other but if only they were not so so scared to love eahc other."
This sounded beautiful yet heartbreaking at the same time. The movies never told us the truth about reality. The worst lovers ever had to go through were not being able to be with each other, but soon will find their way in the end. Let's talk about those who do not fine their way, it just ends.
Certain pairs are just not destined to be with each other. and sometimes even they know it. they spend the rest of their lives getting to know each other's worst nightmare, getting to know every hand gestures that's followed by a smile, only to end up not being with other.
what was the point of it all? was it just to waste time? or was it for self improvement? aren't there any less painful way to figure out that some parts of you are just too darker than others? i know one should never question the maps of fate, where it leads you, but when you bump into too many stops signs that are there only to delay you, not to bring you to your destination, you kinda have to question the map you are following don't you?
constantly living in the past. my mind keeps blaming the people that are no longer in my life anymore, reliving the pain over and over again. I'm okay, until my mind decides I'm not. It's not what's happening now, it's about everything that happened, good or bad. I tend to go back to whatever that broke me. Not physically but mentally, and sometimes I just feel like that's worst. And i'm terribly sorry. I'm terribly sorry to the people who care. To the people who constantly wonder about what I'm going through. it's not that I don't want you to, I just feel like it's a waste of time and energy to be curious of what is happening. Every question would only be answered with "it's nothing". but zero question will only be added to the disastrous train of thoughts.
I guess tonight made me a little more grateful. It made me realise it’s the tiniest things that make me forget myself, only needing a smaller reminder get myself on track. And for that i am grateful these feelings i have forgotten. Those feelings that were clouded by self doubt and irrationality. I really wanna love more, myself mostly. And i need these reminders whenever feel like im sinking back into a black hole created by my own thoughts.
One day i will look back and no longer feel sad again. I will no longer be afraid of losing someone anymore. I will no longer hate myself for someone else anymore. I don’t wish for it to end, i just wish to not feel anything anymore. One day i will look back and no longer be this happy again, but i will also be no longer in pain.
You never meant that much to me, well not at the moment at least but the fact that it ended just made me questioned all the what ifs. How everything would turn out if the endings were different. All the wrongs I could’ve right. I guess you really affected me in ways I didn’t even realise until i saw myself, and i saw you, and how our definition of happiness is different, it isn’t each other.
One day I fear I might break in front of you. Not the kinds you’re getting used to, but the kinds which I usually let myself handle the situation. It would be too much for someone other than myself to see how deep I am capable of going into my own head. I’ve always knew I’ve been hard to handle but unfortunately whatever surfaced before was only the tip of the iceberg. There’s more to it that I cannot show. I’m afraid it will only scare you away.
I believe that my years of excessive overthinking comes with benefits. Probably the only benefit, which is that it has made me so self aware of the things I do or say. Everything actions I take or words I speak up, I think about it too much to the point that I make myself believe that there’s something wrong with it. I’m either doing something wrong or I’ve said something wrong, but I can’t take it back. There are times it’s actually nothing and I’m actually just thinking too much. But there are also times where it hits the spot. What I meant is that I could foresee how people would respond and if it turns out bad, I KNOW it’s myself and I KNOW where I went wrong. I just don’t know how to fix it.
Looking back at last year, i was so content, so carefree, so oblivious. I hate thinking about it. I hate remembering how I was able to feel that content. I hate how much I long to feel that again but I just can’t. I know why, but I cant say it, I wont admit it. I constantly feel like it’s my fault. It’s my fault i feel this way. I can be happy i just chose to be un happy. I fill my head with lies everyday, telling myself this is only temporary. It is not temporary as long as i keep lying to myself about what’s making me so dreadful.
I never fail to remind myself of how unready I am for so many things. How I’m still weak for alot of things. There’s so much fixing to do with myself but I can never. I don’t think I can fix myself. There’s too much damaged done. And I don’t even know what caused it in the first place. There was no traumatic childhood, there was no broken first love. The anxiety, the trauma, the paranoia just hit me randomly.
I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate 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