Apparently I have this attraction that men can’t get enough of. 

I used to see myself being physically unattractive and had to rely 100% on my personality if i were to ever think about being in a committed relationship. However, as I grow older, I’ve come to the realization that sometimes i may not be a good person and i am undeserving of love from someone who’s kind or genuine. I slowly had to learn that to love or to be loved is not to be perfect in the other person’s eye, but instead it’s about compromising and tolerating.  

Back to what I said about this attraction I had, even after eleven years of being in an all girls school, it wasn’t hard for me to make friends of the opposite gender. But there were consequences of course. I couldn’t differentiate between a kind gesture and the act of love. I do find myself being attached to my friends who were just simply being friends to me, but I thought different. 

After awhile I got the hang of it. I told myself my friends are only being friends, but too much time with them does not stop my feelings. It truly couldn’t be helped. But I can’t lie when I say sometimes I don’t feel like what they’re doing are just as friends. I’ve never felt the genuine love of another man so I never had anything to compare it to. And that was when it hit me. I dont know what it is but i figured i must have some kind if attraction because i keep being in situations where people say we’re just friends, yet they don’t mind doing things with me that friends don’t normally do. 

Men are able to do sorts of things with me as if they’ve planned our entire future, but the moment I decided to address the elephant in the room, they made it seem like I was delusional. You can’t spell “manipulation” without “man”. So I’m always stuck with men only wanting to be friends with me yet always doing more. I attract them enough to have them open doors for me or kiss my forehead (not a literal example), but never enough for them to plan a future together. 

 

Sometimes I feel am too much of emotions in a person. People are made up atoms, organs, logical thinking, and just a dash of emotions, enough to make them communicate and feel things towards each other. But as for myself I am constantly spilling out emotions as I am made up of too much of it, even my body could not contain it. 

 

This is so unfair. I gave everything. I poured my heart and soul and tears, I gave things I didn’t have and was never given back half of what I gave. And when I finally let go, things are still bad for me but you have everything. The same thing I gave you, you decided to give someone else 

It’s like everything good I’ve ever written was for someone else. All the love songs, the sunsets, the good food, good places, every tiny happy thoughts were about someone else instead, i just did't know it yet. I lied to myself when I said I was happy. What I felt wasn’t happiness, but instead it was just the feeling of settling for something that were much less for me. This year took a turn and my emotions are splattered like paints on the wall. Most part of the year were just dark toned colours but now i feel like colours are slowly emerging and they weren’t splatters after all, just subtle strokes, like God’s work in progress of my life. I dare not to say that things will get better from now as I am terrified. I am terrified of myself. I have a long history of getting what I want and just ruining it, crushing it with my own bare hands. I am unable to accept that good things are for me too and yet I always crave for it. Inshallah now is the time. All this time it wasn’t character development, it was just a once in a life time preparation of the worst. Maybe now it’s my time to improve, with better surroundings and words of encouragement from the right people. May this year end not like how the past three years happened.

I miss my friends. Friends who take care of me, friends whom I take granted of. The “how are you?” when they see one bad tweet. The “gosh i miss hanging out with you” even though they barely even do. These people value your presence the way they should be valued and yet I look pass that. They’re the type to observe from far and I still choose not to see them.

I was doing okay, I genuinely was. Even I was weirded out about it because I remembered being swallowed by depression for almost four months just trying to accept the fact that I am never able to be loved by another human being, but with you, I am still sad but I know I’m doing better. Comes August 1st, National Girlfriend Day. I wasn’t bothered by it or any of people’s posts but my phone rang and I was wished, and before I knew it, food was already on the way. It made me happy, and nervous, and that butterflies that I’ve been longing to have for quite some time. And I immediately came back to my senses. Nothing changed. We’re never changing. And I forgot about that for a split second and that made me sad. The realization hit me harder than ever and now I truly don’t know what to feel.

I’ve never worried about marriage. I always thought that would be something that would happen naturally if I don’t think too much about it. I thought it’s something years from now. But after losing someone I thought was the love of my life and someone I’d end up with, marriage has been lingering at the back of my mind. I feel like I am at that age that it is too late to meet someone new. It is too late to learn about someone’s bad habits or memorize their allergies. I had all that, I did all that and now those information are no longer useful to me. They say to live your twenties the most, but I truly believe once you reach your thirties, people did live their twenties but with their loved ones while you tried to do it alone. Now everyone around you are with the people their destined with but you’re still trying to find someone that fits your piece of the puzzle. Sometimes people don’t fit your piece of the puzzle, you have to figure out a way to make it fit, but being in your thirties, by the time you do find a way to make it fit, someone probably found a faster way and beat you to it. And you end up in step one all over again, the family background, the favorite food, the “what did you wanted to be when you were younger” questions. I am not saying one has to get married or the whole purpose of existing is to bound yourself to another person, I am saying this as someone who truly has not ever felt the loving of another person and that takes a toll on how I choose to live my life, to love myself and other people or to hate while I love myself.

After being knocked some senses by Kamila two nights ago on a facetime call, I actually felt better. I was still sad that it was over but I guess it was inevitable. I was thinking of how undeserving you are of me, how I was simply too much for you and you just had to find someone less. Even if things were able to get better between us, I truly believe we are destined for disaster anyways. I loved you so so much but I guess too much to the point that I was harming myself, like I usually do. but this morning, after finally disconnecting ourselves in the most possible way, I felt sad. I guess I was finallly realizing that things are really over now. I truly cannot predict how it will be once I am back in kl, but as if now, it is unbearable. I want to stay friends, but sometimes you make it hard. you sometimes make me feel like this wasnt even a friendship to even start with. Maybe because i expect more from you, and that's just how you usually treat your friends.

After a night of crying and headache and trying to sleep, I woke up feeling no better. No morning texts, no have you eaten texts, no custom sound notifications. Remind me to change that to the default sound. I feel like I won’t be able to get through the day. This aches so much. We ended in good terms but the idea of him being able to be with someone who isn’t me just aches so much.

after three months of being away, and for almost two months of having lonely breakfasts and lunchs, im finally going back. and for quite some time. i dont think i havent been at home for over a week in like two years. i liked being in kl, surrounded by friends and never ending adventures. well at least it used to. i feel happy that i get to be at home. nothing's like having comfort food 24/7. but then again, i dont know. i think i've lost touch. with life in general. everybody probably feels the same with covid going on so im nothing special. i stumbled upon some old memories yesterday and it made me super unnecessarily nostalgic. i had so many friends, like stupid many. i remembered having problems back then but i cant seem to recall what it was, so i guess it wasnt that big of a deal. all i remember when i look back, i feel like i was at my peak. and i took that for granted. even the people i had back then.

I suddenly have this wave of sadness. I dont know probably because im going back for quite some time and i wont be able to see you anymore. The distance between us will just get bigger. But i guess that one thing that lingers in my mind is that you’re my friend. And im so so grateful for that. I know i expect you the more than what we are and I shouldn’t and im sorry i get upset about that.

I realize that i can’t always be surrounded by a group of friends that I genuinely like because at some point of our friendship i somehow always manage to find something that irks me about them. I’m not saying that it’s their fault, I know that I am the problem. And in some other lifetime or reality i would have someone professionally tell me that it’s just some defense mechanism due to trauma but i just believe that i am unable to truly connect with someone. I know life is all about co dependency but I’ve always wanted to do things on my own and now that I possibly might not need to, I’m coming up with reasons that is sabotaging myself.