It's been five semesters and I'm still tired. Not all the time but I feel like it's always there. If I'm lucky enough, I won't feel sad at the same time but that's unusual. 

Some days I'm excited to wake up, other days just makes me want to lie in bed day after day after day. I'm not depressed as far as I'm concern. I mean, the signs are there but I don't think I am. I know how it feels like to be tired of living and this isn't it. 

I get tired of the commitments, responsibilities and I guess interaction in general. I'm not giving up. I just wanna take a pause. I just want everything to stop for a moment and let me breathe. 

2013 to 2016 was a dark moment for me. It was honestly a blur and I can't specifically remember what was wrong but all I know is it was a time I wish not to go back to. 

I wasn't myself or maybe it was something bad that has latched on to me and it became a part of me. I hated myself. Don't get me wrong, there were days I had fun, but it those days cannot be compared with the bad ones. 

And truth be told, I had no one. My friends weren't much help because they didn't know entirely. At school, I was with them, I was fine. But at home I'm left alone. 

I was young and I didn't know how to cope with it. I only found contentment in self destructions. My parents' ways of handling it is by only threatening. And that made it worse. 

I was in love back then. It wasn't the right moment but it kept me sane. It was a boon and a bane. Being in love was one of the reasons I couldn't get myself out of the situation just because I wasn't loved back. 

I couldn't be alone but there was no one I trust enough to let them see how bad I was. Even now. It felt like a black hole that kept sucking me in. I only got out of it because I made myself. 

I had myself and only that. And I'm proud of that but at the same time sad about it. I had to suffer alone and some people only knew bits and pieces of my suffering. "It'll be okay" was the only thing my friends were able to tell me. 

I no longer feel that way although some days I feel like I'm going back, but I never want to. I refuse. I promise myself not get that low and learned if I do, there's something that has to be done. 

I've decided to fall in love with you. Bear in mind this is a decision I made at 3 fucking am and most probably I'm not in the right state of mind. At 3pm I'll probably look back at this and not feel the same. Months after this, we're unlikely to be close as we are now. I'll look back at this and most probably I'd still feel the same. 

It's still too early, I know. There are even signs saying this isn't it. Not big red traffic lights, more like a red dot I refuse to acknowledge.

I've write about a lot of people I care about but a big part of me is saying you're something else. And so far only one person other than you that has been "something else" to me and it didn't well. 

I've wrote about how I am with you and I can't emphasize it more. I like it too much. Then there's actually how you are, how you talk, how you act. Things you say are goofy, silly and cringey. But there are days you blow my mind with the knowledge I never knew existed. 

As cliche as it sounds, and true, you're the only person I see myself with. It's the first time and it's terrifying. I tell myself not to fall in too deep but you're making it hard. 

Being bipolar doesn't help much either. At nights I feel like I should have you. I can take care of you and you'd do the same for me. But during the days, it's a bad idea. You're not the one for me and I guess I never will be. I guess having high ego and low confidence is a deadly combination. Never the one to make the first move because of the low confidence I never had. 

Rejection isn't what I fear I guess but what I'm terrified of most is being the only one in the clouds. What if it's all in my head? What if the green lights were just my color blindness acting up (jk I don't have any) but get what I mean. 

but importantly I have to say this out loud, I am never afraid of getting hurt, but hurting the one I care about what terrifies me most. And I tend to that a lot. 

Being me, I'm bound to write about the people I'm close to. Their good, their evil, I try to put them into words instead of putting it out there. I guess it's my way of containing it. My way of being obsessive towards someone. And I guess now it's your turn. 

It used to be only glimpses of you and unwanted stares. Now I sometimes crave for touch and sneak around for the sight of you. 

I see good in you. But here's the thing, It's all good and it's terrifying. You've shown me sides of you that so far I'm liking. You care for the people who no longer care for you. Your obliviousness and innocence I guess what makes you so clueless and kind. 

I speak so highly of you, Im scared I'd have to take it. I'm scared you'll prove me wrong. 

But I look forward to anything with you. The sudden video calls during classes. The sudden invitation to lunch. The gossip sessions over the people around us. 

And I like myself when I'm with you. I'm better. It's cliche, but it's true. I'm honest with you and even to myself. I can ask you absolutely anything and tell you everything. I can tell you the truth other people refuse to tell you. 

You are good. You are kind. Any harm to you only breaks my heart and I'm here to prevent that from happening. 

I decided to play my songs in my friend's car. It was just a bunch of random songs that were on shuffle on my apple music. You see, I never really thought of my songs as great songs yknw. It was fine but it's never really the type of songs people constantly ask who's the singer or what's the tittle. It was just a bunch of songs of a bunch of genres. But my friend liked it somehow. He even then asked if he could have the link to my playlist. So here's a list of it :- 

1. I Wanna Know_ NOTD, Bea Miller

2. Thunderclouds_ Sia, Diplo, Labrinth

3. my boy_ Billie Eilish 

4. dont ask dont tell_ Tove Lo

5. Let You Down_ NF

6. Lowlife_ Poppy 

7. Alone_ Bazzi 

8. Ring_ Cardi B, Kehlani 

9. breathin_ Ariana Grande 

10. bad days_ Tove Lo

11. bitches_ Tove Lo, Charli XCX, Icona Pop, Elliphant 

12. Devil's In The Backseat_ Lostboycrow 

13. Shining Star_ Bebe Rexha 

14. Eastside_ Benny Blanco, Khalid, Halsey 

15. Gone_ Bazzi

16. Stay_ Post Malone 

I expected semester 4 was to be like usual, pain, happiness, and heartbreak all over again etc, but it wasnt. My own life never fails to surprises me.

Earlier this semester I tried something new which was acting. I struggled, but thinking about it now it was definitely not something to cry over but I did lol. Well it wasnt because of the struggle but at that moment of my life I just hated myself so much. The person I trust was getting too well with the person I like. But I got over it. I was so fucking devastated to the point that I had to call a friend.

I spent day and night with the same people. I was bound to figure out their routines or bad habits. I couldn't take it at first but I guess soon I figured that it was something I needed to get used to as I have my own bad habits of my own. 

After theater, I met someone I never wish to forget. Some days he makes me feel like regret but most days I feel like Im honest with myself and even with him. I like that. We've gotten so close ever since and Alhamdulillah until now. 

We were brought together by mutual hate. I know that isn't the best way to encounter with someone but it was the only thing that had us talking during lunch. He would call me during classes, randomly asking me where I'm at only to see me. Not being a bare minimum bitch, but that was the first time I felt appreciated in a long time. 

A month before the end I went to a fest and that was the most fun I had in two semesters. Coming back late at night, catching movies the last hour and even being broke to the point I had to exchange my coins. 

but getting into details couldn't possibly describe the tears, the joys, the heartbreak I went through. I can only say I've changed, in short. I've started smoking, I've started hating and even loving. I no longer keep things to myself as much as I did the last time. I've learned to keep secrets better now and realize not everything has to be said out in the open. 

It didn't end with a bang nor did it end painfully. It was just like any other moments in my life I could bear with. I wish to look back at it and never regret. Never regret the decisions I made, the paths I never took or the words I thought of but never say it. 

I wish things to go well for me in the future InshaAllah.