i've decided to fall in love with you

I've decided to fall in love with you. Bear in mind this is a decision I made at 3 fucking am and most probably I'm not in the right state of mind. At 3pm I'll probably look back at this and not feel the same. Months after this, we're unlikely to be close as we are now. I'll look back at this and most probably I'd still feel the same. 

It's still too early, I know. There are even signs saying this isn't it. Not big red traffic lights, more like a red dot I refuse to acknowledge.

I've write about a lot of people I care about but a big part of me is saying you're something else. And so far only one person other than you that has been "something else" to me and it didn't well. 

I've wrote about how I am with you and I can't emphasize it more. I like it too much. Then there's actually how you are, how you talk, how you act. Things you say are goofy, silly and cringey. But there are days you blow my mind with the knowledge I never knew existed. 

As cliche as it sounds, and true, you're the only person I see myself with. It's the first time and it's terrifying. I tell myself not to fall in too deep but you're making it hard. 

Being bipolar doesn't help much either. At nights I feel like I should have you. I can take care of you and you'd do the same for me. But during the days, it's a bad idea. You're not the one for me and I guess I never will be. I guess having high ego and low confidence is a deadly combination. Never the one to make the first move because of the low confidence I never had. 

Rejection isn't what I fear I guess but what I'm terrified of most is being the only one in the clouds. What if it's all in my head? What if the green lights were just my color blindness acting up (jk I don't have any) but get what I mean. 

but importantly I have to say this out loud, I am never afraid of getting hurt, but hurting the one I care about what terrifies me most. And I tend to that a lot.