Semester five only reminds me of being tired and tears. Tears of joy, tears of heartbreak, I felt them both. Tears of joy was probably the highlight of 2018. I worked so fucking hard for something and I got what I deserved.
Then there's the tears of heartbreak. Something I forgot how it feels like. I forgot how much it made me wanted to die. My friends never fail to disappoint me. As saddening as it sounds, that's how they are,and Im still friends with them.
Then there's the boy I speak highly off last semester. Him. I truly ran out of words for him. Thinking of him only brings me to tears. I even force myself to be angry at him but i cant. I just cant.
I miss him. so bad. He doesnt even look for me anymore but when i do, he talks to me as if im just one of his followers. I would know because i used to be only that, and now im back to square one. I dont fucking know what to do anymore. I was doing so fucking fine.
the word lover is so infinitely soft. So universal. So timeless. Two girls with awkward, hungry hands. A boy and a girl in the dark. Two men in empty light. A marriage of 40 years. Letters over eons. Sappho’s poems. The corner of a mouth. Lovers, lovers, lovers.
In my earliest letters I dedicated to you, I predicted we may not be tight as we were and I was right. Kind of scary to think of it. I had faith in us but a part of me didn't.
It is so fucking sad looking back at it. You made me realize how much I prefer being angry at someone rather than feeling so fucking sad about them.
I had a few highlights this year but you my love, you were both my highlight and downfall of my entire life. Now I truly believe I have loved you so fucking much and I still probably do.
Saying that I didn't appreciate you enough would be a fucking lie because I did. I really did. I appreciated you so damn much. Every smiles, every laughs, every questions, every breakfasts or every lunches, back then I really wish I could put them in a small box and replay them whenever I wanted.
You changed me, you really did. I'm preventing myself to stop being so fucking cliche but these are just facts. I fucking love myself when I'm with you. As much as I love you.
Now I'm back to where I was. Happy, nor am I sad. And to think that I'll never get back what I had just breaks my fucking heart every damn night.
I'm sorry if I sound so angry. I just really really miss you. I'm only left with our old messages and nothing more.
I have this bad habit, a toxic behavior or I dont know just constant craving for the nearest or closest affection I can cling to. Any outlet I can just put my love towards to. It's a behavior I've not yet to decide a blessing or a curse.
Some days I have to convince myself that it's just me. I'm just THAT lonely. It isn't love, it's just lust. But long enough I can learn to accept it. I slowly learn to turn lust into love.
Some days it's a blessing to just get over someone because you weren't in love with them in the first day. It's a curse when you start to doubt yourself about commitments.
