I really wish I what I mean to you is as much as what you mean to me. The thing is I could never tell you that. I could never tell you a lot of things. I can’t tell you how much I hate myself for feeling this way. I can’t tell you how you’re literally the only person I can trust. I constantly feel sad over that fact that my life revolves around you now. Everything is about you. The minute I wake up, when I’m about to eat, it’s always you. I feel like you’re my only friend and that’s really sad to be honest but what can I do? People around me keeps disappointing me and I end up blaming myself, but you were always there and I guess that could one of the reasons why I rely so much on you. I dread for a future together, where no one gets in the way, not even myself. The idea of not being with you rips my fucking heart apart. I am in so much pain love. But it doesn’t matter when I’m with you. I wasn’t like this I swear. I had so much love for myself back then but I gave all of that to you. I gave everything to you now there’s nothing left of me. But I can’t tell you that. Not that I don’t want to, I just don’t know how. Moments with you felt good. I didn’t see the need to ruin it with how I feel. I just wanted to live in the moment. With you. It’s when I’m alone it gets hard. When you’re not there. My mind takes over my body and everything starts to ache again. It’s neither of us faults but I can’t lie, I never fail to blame myself for not being good enough. For you. 

I felt various kinds of pain. The crying myself to sleep pain, the physically heart aching pain, the emotionally draining pain but I guess this time it’s all of it combined. I’ve showed too much part of myself and I guess the thought of starting over or going through it all over again with someone new just aches. I blame myself. No matter how many times I bury the idea of I deserve better in my brain, I still have myself to blame. 

I am too sick. 

My head is really somewhere i dont want to be at at the moment. 

I never want to be left alone. 

I am at the highest peak of hating myself. 

I was so scared of losing you. Even when I thought I didn’t, I still did. Not being able to talk to you or knowing that you would not talk to me for even a second scared me to the core. My mind started to wander to dark places I didn’t like to be in. Places that had scenarios of us not talking anymore or to scenes that we were walking pass each other but felt like it was just two strangers on Earth trying to get through their day. It hurt me. I am at that point where I’m being so careful of my actions or words, even the smallest ones. One wrong move and I could lose you forever. But in that moment that what felt like losing you, i realised maybe you don’t mind of losing me. You did not feel what I felt. You never did. You would not put everything aside just like what I did for you. Now I just cant figure out which would be a bigger loss, being with or without you. 

So so tired of being told the loud one, being told the childish one or the wrong one. But with the right facts, im convinced. I’m convinced in someone else’s stories I’ll be those people or much worse. But what can i do? I have my own version in my story but somehow i can never convince other people. We never truly get to see who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong. Always conflicted. 

I am so angry, so sad, so disappointed. What is wrong with me? What do I do that is constantly so bad it makes people go away? It makes people despise me, even the ones that cared for me turns their back on me. Was I selfish or were they? In my head i try my best to think of the best way to do something but it always turns out bad. I always end up being the bad guy. Was i that evil in my past life or do i just don’t deserve consistent happiness in this life?