I hate opening up to someone. I tell myself that a thousand times and yet I still do it. I'm sorry but I can't help myself. Some people makes me feel so vulnerable and safe and like I could trust them. It always starts off with a word like "her", "him", "last week" or maybe something deeper, "I used to have a friend", "when I was younger", "there's this boy" and before you could realize you're vomiting a pile of a part of yourself. At first you feel relieved, like someone lifted a whale off you. You tell them every discrete detail from the scar he had on his foot to the times you breathed in and out that day. Metaphorically ofcourse. After that feeling of relief, it feels like the whale managed to climb on your back again, probably something heavier. The aftertaste hits you harder. You suddenly feel naked, literally. You feel like you've just flashed a complete stranger your appendix scar in public.
You thought that they're gonna be with you, on your side instead it feels like they're pointing a gun at you on the enemy's behalf. They start questioning you and doubting you. "Why did you that?", "you should do this". In some cases they make it about themselves, "I get it. Last week I went through the same thing and oh my god I'm sorry I feel like breaking down now I'm sorry".
The worst type are the ones who makes you feel bad about yourself. The make it seem you opening up to them is like you just told them you wanted to kill the president. They start scolding you and make you feel small. All the "sure you can tell me anything" and "I'm always here" seems so far away now and the person who said that minutes ago is now the complete.
I guess I'll never learn
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