Im moving on
Ignorance is bliss, I told myself and for once I truly understand that. Yea at first it was so hard to stop smiling over the fact that we're under the same stars and some nights I told myself you were the stars and that one day I'd name a star over you. But right now I've never felt so much at ease. I've forgotten you. I've forgotten how bad you've treated me although I never regret meeting you. Consider you were the best that happened (more like didn't happen) to me, I was willing to let go of the bad reminders and just hold on the good memories. I told Mira how I was over you. "Yea aha okay", she said to me. I don't exactly blame her, this is like the 100th time? Something like that, I said the same thing but I told her to have faith in me because I actually felt like I was going to get over you and I did. I was ready to get on with my life. I actually feel nothing. It only stings at night but I guess I'm okay after the sunrise kissed my cheeks, then I'm all better.
Today I was so proud of myself that I even thought, "wow I'm actually doing pretty well." Don't get me wrong I still check up on you but it doesn't make me cringe anymore & I was absolutely sure that if you were to text me, I'd feel absolutely nothing. Then you did, at five in the morning. This sudden adrenaline rushing between spaces of my veins that I never ever thought was possible. I was so angry and happy and sad and pitiful. Angry, at you, at myself because of how your treated me, because of how I'm feeling. I'm supposed to be neutral about this. Happy, because you texted me (and I wasn't supposed to feel this way). Sad, because you texted me. Do I only cross your mind when there's only lonely and drunk people on the streets? Pitiful, because you told me you were drowning I've always known that I was a sucker for you. I couldn't bear see you hurt, even it was a paper cut. I was willing to hold your hand and wrap a band aid on the cut and slowly kissing it and telling you how everything's going to be okay. But I couldn't do that now. I promised myself I wouldn't go there but sometimes you can't help but to care about someone.
You told me how I always check up on you and sometimes you just feel like crying thinking about it. I wanted to tell you, I wanted to scream at you how I cry every fucking time I think about you and how much I care for you and the things I would do for you and I hated myself for that, I'm not like this. This is not me what did you turn me into.
You told me I didn't deserve your rants. "I don't, but I want to", was stuck in my fucking head and I typed it waiting for the impulse to go to my brain and fucking press send. I didn't care about what I deserve (and that's fucking wrong for me) because I cared about you (a little too much). "You deserve something better from me" I do. I fucking do but I can't do anything about that and you're treating me like shit and how the fuck am I okay with that. Ofcourse that was all in my head. Then you said goodbye. You left me there like you always have.
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