thirsty hearts

having a love affair with the sun


I was too exhausted to write what was going on to the point that I dreamt of you. I didn't know tiredness could do a lot to people let alone make your mind think of the people of you used to love and play it like a movie on your brain. I never thought that you made so much impact on me. I used to think that but soon after that I realized you were just nothing. I guess my brain decided to change thoughts now. 

Things are going well so far. I'm getting along with my roommates in a way my 15 year old self would be shook. My classmates gave the kind of vibes I would immediately avoid but I'm sure it'll pass. The night I had to hear him talk about other girls was weird. It gave me so much emotions I didn't know I could possibly feel but tonight I heard a girl talk about you like she was in love with you and somehow I relate to her. I didn't tell her that but truthfully I don't think my mind told my head that either. 

1. Mø - Nights With You 
2. Camilla Cabello - I Have Questions 
3. Bebe Rexha - The Way I Are (Dance With Somebody)
4. Halsey - Strangers
5. Camilla Cabello - Crying in The Club
6. Halsey - Now or Never
7. Charlie Puth - Attention 
8. Halsey - Eyes Closed 

Today I thought I maybe I love you. It takes me a while to finally admit to myself of loving someone not because I was unsure but just because I didn't want to be the type of person who gives out my love so easily. But the truth be told, I do give out my love easily. Admitting to myself is a struggle but saying out loud seemed impossible. The thing about saying something out loud, you can't really take it back. Whether it's the truth, a white lie or even a joke. I once read a woman can love a man silently for all eternity and I guess that's what I'll do. 

I am awake. Tired, sleepy and in pain, physically and mentally. I feel so much emotions rushing in. If I listened closely, I could feel my blood rushing in between the veins, trying to keep me alive. That's how it is now. I am trying to keep it together. My hearts beating too fast and I didn't even know it. 

I dont know what Im so worried about. The fact that I wont be in the comfort of my own home this time around next week or the thought of having so much to do at once and not doing anything at all to change it. Or is it the sick feeling of missing the ones I've not even left yet. Maybe it's the discovery of an emotion I never thought of before and now I'm too terrified to admit it. 

"I will be okay, I will be okay" is something I unconsciously whisper to myself every now and then. And don't get me wrong I am okay, sometimes. During the day mostly. Or when I'm too sleepy to think and the bed is all I see. But certain hours I just can't do it. Well I heard that sudden body combustion is a thing now. 
 
This is it, I'm missing you more than ever. I just saw a few hours ago and I kept wanting you. I wanted to touch you. I wanted to tell you how much I cared for you and how all of this hurts too much for me more than it does to you. Leaving never felt so hard. 

the realization hit me in the car but not that hard. maybe a couple of times when i saw a glimpse of the sunset between the clouds or a few times before the traffic light turned green. I try not to think of the bitter things and trying to focus on the good memories i can carry around like a handbag when i'm away. i dont know what scares me the most to be honest, the thought of being further away or the realization of being away hitting me at the wrong time. maybe at night when everything's quiet except for my mind or when i've already settled in and this homesickness suddenly decided to stop by. but what i'm definitely most scared of is the feeling of missing someone. at this rate it isn't just one person honestly i can't even count with my fingers. but i will try to focus on the good things and constantly remind myself that every day that passes by is a day closer to when i'll get to see them again 

There are a few types of people in life you choose not to forget and sometimes highly impossible but if sooner or later you do, they don't really matter that much to you. 

There's your families. Parents, siblings etc, I mean unless I was reborn, there's no really deleting them from my memory. Unless like your second cousin or long lost aunty then I'm sorry, which side are you from again? 

Then there's the people who open doors for you or in other words, kind strangers. Although you're bound to forget who they are exactly but their kind gesture will always be remembered. 

And then there's friends, my favorite. Not those type of friends who you look back to and be like, "Where do I know her from?" or "He looks familiar" but those friends who gives you constant flashbacks, remembering every good moment you had with them. The type of friends who shared millions of insides jokes, who make you put polaroids of them in your wallet or who sometimes make you scroll your camera roll late at night just to remember how it felt like to be around them. The type of friends who make you say things like "We should keep in touch" and actually mean it, those are the friends you don't want to forget. The past year I've been blessed enough to cross paths with these people I can't even start to describe how wonderful they are. They gave me that high school friends experience that you see on tv within six months than I have been searching for almost five years. 

Here's an appreciate post for the friends I've made. The ones I don't talk to anymore. The ones I text just to say happy birthday. The ones I talk to everyday. The ones I miss everyday. The ones I rant to. The ones I don't reply their texts to. The ones I reconnected with after so long. The ones I fought with. This is for the friends I love and will continue to love till eternity. The ones I forgot how to love. And this is also for the friends who stopped loving me.

Najiha's Surprise birthday
Nasya <3



Last Day of SPM


Nasreen & Nasya



Fifi's open house!!









 
1. Im an Aries
2. I hate pastas
3. I love heights
4. I'm not athletic but I'd love to rock climb, sky dive etc
5. I take good pictures (im not full of myself, it's true)
6. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 13?¿ (but not the critical type)
7. I'm paranoid lmao
8. I'm really bad at texting y'all should know
9. I journal and write and draw
10. I listen to all kinds of music but I'm more to indie
11. I read (when I have the money to buy books)
12. I don't like body contact (hugs, skin contact etc)
13. I hate kids but probably because Im not good with them.
14. I used to cut/burn myself but I've stopped
15. The best year I had was probably 2016
16. The worst 2014 definitely
17. I have great friends I LOVE THEM
18. Obsessed with polaroid pictures
19. I wouldn't call myself a neat freak but I'm very particular on certain things
20. I can sing? I think yea




I wrote this spontaneously on New Year's eve with the thought of how great 2016 has been and I was honestly sad to leave it. But I also had a positive attitude about 2017 also oblivious about how things like right now are bound to happen. 

I promised myself that i wouldn't get attached to 2016 like how i did with the years before because how they just keep ending tragically. I'll either lose someone or start losing myself in ways i could never forgive myself but this year i couldn't help myself. Things were going so well to the point that i told myself if i wished hard enough, 2017 wouldn't have to come along. Of course that didn't work because here i am writing this, only an hour away from 2017. I'd like to thank those who i crossed path ways with and also those who i burned bridges with. Here's to another great year. Happy New Years!! 🎉✨ with love, 
Najwa
 
I wanted to die tonight. Not in a trendy way some people has been doing these days but I actually wanted to die. I've not wanted to die in so long and the last time I had those tendencies I was really in a bad place. This past year has been something. I had something to look forward to everyday. To wake and be excited about something. But today, everything vanished. I had this sick feeling, imagining myself waking everyday and actually have to go through it. I could physically feel myself feeling so sick like waking up from a really bad hangover. I guess that's what it has been this past year. Just days of binge drinking alcohol without a thought of that this phase or whatever it is will end. If reality check was a day, today would be it. 
 
They say rock bottom is when you feel the absolute worst, when there's no where to go. Optimists would just say when you're at the lowest the only way to go is up but others find comfort. I on the other hand find zero comfort about being at rock bottom nor am I going up. Heck I feel like I'm not even at rock bottom in the first place. But I feel like shit that's for sure. I didn't get in. Things have never been my for as long as I can remember but I know it's because I don't pray enough. I'm trying to be okay with it but to think that I think it's unfair, is unfair. Sometimes when I'm reminded of it, it hurts. The head pounding type of hurt. But when I'm distracted I feel okay. Okay enough to think that I'll be okay. But I guess it has always been at the back of my head and only resurfaces occasionally, will I really be okay? 
 
I had a conversation with a very good friend about his patience towards someone who treated him the way he doesn't deserve to. I didn't question his patience, I respect that. I questioned his ego. Well it didn't seem like it when I was practically swarming him with questions like "Why didn't you fight back??". Not in those words exactly, but something similar. 

My ego was bigger than his, no doubt there. In fact, I was also being egotistical about who's egos are bigger. I'm patient, I know that, but all this while I thought I neutralized that with my ego but before this I'd call it "self love". I knew the limit between being patient with someone and still having some dignity. The fine line wasn't really that fine to me. 

Questions like why's and how's were filling up in my brain about why is my friend still being his patient self with this other person. And he gave me an answer that kept me up at night writing exactly this, "I dont know I just am". Truly ridiculous and I definitely can't relate. Took me awhile to start writing on this probably because maybe I do relate. It took me a few hours to understand him but I do. 

Sometimes being around the people you love, they bring out a side to you you never thought existed. I didn't recall not lashing out on someone every time they treat me wrong but I do now. Everytime they're hurt and they intentionally hurt me, I take a step back before my angry self responds. That's when patience come in. And I had so much of it to the point where I'd question myself. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, when the people you love bring out good sides of you you don't even know existed, that's when you know they're good for you. 


1. Whatever I'm angry about with my parents, it will always be nothing compared to what they've done for me
2. Everyone has a different definition for achievement
3. We don't have to talk everyday to stay friends
4. "You don't like him, you love him"
5. If it hurts, it matters
6. I'll miss them, whoever they are, even if I don't know it 
7. Being kind is the key to almost everything
8. It's okay to leave if they're toxic to me
9. I can't expect people to be the same like me
10. Everyone deals with pain differently, respect all
11. Trust no one. Hurt none
12. It's okay to not be okay once in a while
13. I can't force people to feel something that isn't there
14. They love me, they just don't say it
15. I can never truly understand myself but that's okay
16. It's okay to be selfish sometimes
17. Be careful of who I rant to  
18. Every good thing must come to an end


I feel stuck, and I mean that in the most depressing imaginable. Unlike six months ago when things were so great. When I actually felt like I had my shit together. Now I feel like every ounce of happiness, contentment and positivity has been sucked out of me. I feel happy, don't get me wrong. I know what happiness is but only on certain days, with certain people. 

Six months ago I felt nothing but, what's another word for contentment? Well I felt more than that and never in my life have I ever felt so grateful that things are going my way. It was a good year. 

And just like any other great things, it had to end. It's probably nothing but my old self was resurfacing. It's as if I could see myself standing so still while everything else was moving forward, as life around me was moving forward but I was just there, alone and still. I started noticing the slightest change and it sometimes kept me up at night. It'd make me so depressed to the point that I feel nothing but emptiness and it's awful. 

I'm trying to find away to fix this. To fix myself mostly, I swear. I don't want to be this way. I want to be grateful, happy and enough. I will get through this, I just need someone to tell me that everyday. 

I was distant towards different ppl at different times. Some understood enough to stay, others just made me feel like being myself is a flaw

I'm not in love with you but please don't be in love with someone else. 

Deleted notes from February 18th, 2017

Sometimes it all hurts too much. It hurts to pretend that it doesn't keep you awake at night. It hurts to pretend it doesn't make you cry in the middle of the day. It hurts to pretend that I don't care. 

Too sensitive and people won't like being around you. Say how you feel all the time and people will just be annoyed to be friends with you. Compromise and be understanding, that's what i've been telling myself. Put everyone else before you but nobody talks about how painful it can be, to silently sit at the side and watch how things you don't want to happen happen. 

No one deserves to feel this way and I try my best not to make anyone around me to feel so but everyone around me doesn't seem to bother that i feel like this. 

-possibly unfinished-


"You're never happy", a friend told me that. I mean at first i just laughed it off because of how untrue it was. I have my good days. I can't remember specifically, but I remember being content once. 

Then I stayed up with those words repeating in my head like it's some kind of a reminder I don't need to be reminded of. I stopped and realized maybe it is true. I mean I still remember those good days but I never really truly felt happy in so long. Everytime I do, some kind of a disaster just come and find its way. 

I've been sick since I was 14. Not terminally I mean honestly I don't even really believe that I am. I just feel sad all the time and nervous at odd hours. Everything just seems to be in my head. 

I've done what sick people did and to be honest thinking back on it, I don't remember how it helped, but it did I'm sure of it. Then there were days of confusion mixed with struggling. I'm not sure why I was having a hard time but it felt like time was moving too quickly. 

Then things were okay. I don't know what I did to make it okay but it was and it was the closest thing I got to happiness. Sometimes I try to believe that I'm faking all this and I should just get my head in the game and it'll be alright. 

But it isn't. It's isn't fake nor am I pretending. As much as I wished it was, I'm back. Back to being that mentally ill person who can't seem to find content in anything. And my friend was right, I'm never happy. It makes me wonder if I ever could. 

I'm still trying to figure out if I actually love you. 


I will be leaving for something greater. I'll be leaving this comfort I call home. Five hours away doesn't look like a big deal until you start wishing you're at home eating home cooked meals in your not too big, not too small kitchen. Instead you're in a dormitory eating left overs from god knows when with the heat you never had to deal with before. You'll start missing the locks on the doors at home even though you never really took notice of it before. The holes in the ceiling of your dorm will remind you of the perfect ceilings at home. You'll miss just lazing around in your room always having what you want with just a room away. I thought fresh starts would be good for me. The experience, the independence. But how will I know I'll like it? How will I know it's good for me? I could never go back if I suddenly decided I wasn't ready for all that independence. Does this new beginning also has to mean an end of something I've been all too familiar with?

Newer Posts Older Posts Home

About Author

My photo
suicidalfigures
24, KUL
View my complete profile

Follow Me

  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Tumblr
  • Writing Portfolio

POPULAR POSTS

  • You can't love him anymore when he's the flame and you're the ocean
  • Day 6, Night 5

Categories

  • adore you 24
  • counting days like the stars 21
  • Excerpt 10
  • getting better 4
  • infinite fresh starts 6
  • Lists 5
  • MENTAL HEALTH WRITING PROMPTS 1
  • new obsession 1
  • people say it's the best years of your life 9
  • Playlist 11
  • reviews 1
  • ride or die 11
  • spilling my heart out 31
  • things i have to say about myself 26
  • when i don't have things to say 45

Blog Archive

  • ►  2022 (1)
    • ►  Jan 2022 (1)
  • ►  2021 (14)
    • ►  Dec 2021 (3)
    • ►  Nov 2021 (1)
    • ►  Aug 2021 (3)
    • ►  Jul 2021 (4)
    • ►  May 2021 (3)
  • ►  2020 (32)
    • ►  Sept 2020 (1)
    • ►  Jun 2020 (3)
    • ►  May 2020 (13)
    • ►  Apr 2020 (3)
    • ►  Mar 2020 (6)
    • ►  Jan 2020 (6)
  • ►  2019 (18)
    • ►  Nov 2019 (5)
    • ►  Aug 2019 (2)
    • ►  May 2019 (4)
    • ►  Apr 2019 (2)
    • ►  Mar 2019 (1)
    • ►  Feb 2019 (2)
    • ►  Jan 2019 (2)
  • ►  2018 (35)
    • ►  Dec 2018 (7)
    • ►  Nov 2018 (1)
    • ►  Oct 2018 (2)
    • ►  Sept 2018 (7)
    • ►  Aug 2018 (1)
    • ►  Jul 2018 (1)
    • ►  Jun 2018 (1)
    • ►  May 2018 (3)
    • ►  Apr 2018 (2)
    • ►  Mar 2018 (1)
    • ►  Feb 2018 (4)
    • ►  Jan 2018 (5)
  • ▼  2017 (62)
    • ►  Dec 2017 (1)
    • ►  Oct 2017 (1)
    • ►  Sept 2017 (6)
    • ►  Aug 2017 (6)
    • ►  Jul 2017 (3)
    • ►  Jun 2017 (12)
    • ▼  May 2017 (22)
      • Day 4
      • Day 3, Night 2
      • May's Tracks
      • I'll love you silently
      • What am I so fucking terrified of?
      • Thoughts #8
      • This is it
      • Thoughts #7
      • appreciation post
      • 20 FACTS ABOUT ME
      • New Years (2016)
      • Reality check
      • Rock Bottom
      • Patience
      • 18 Things I Learned Before I Turned 18
      • Thoughts #6
      • Thoughts #5
      • Thoughts #4
      • Thoughts #3
      • You're never happy
      • Thoughts #2
      • New beginnings
    • ►  Apr 2017 (4)
    • ►  Mar 2017 (1)
    • ►  Feb 2017 (6)
  • ►  2016 (26)
    • ►  Aug 2016 (3)
    • ►  Jun 2016 (5)
    • ►  May 2016 (2)
    • ►  Apr 2016 (1)
    • ►  Mar 2016 (5)
    • ►  Feb 2016 (6)
    • ►  Jan 2016 (4)
  • ►  2015 (18)
    • ►  Dec 2015 (18)

About Me

My photo
suicidalfigures
24, KUL
View my complete profile

Popular Posts

  • You can't love him anymore when he's the flame and you're the ocean
  • Day 6, Night 5
  • DAY 239
  • a birthday wish for an old friend
  • im the type of friend

Labels

  • adore you
  • counting days like the stars
  • Excerpt
  • getting better
  • infinite fresh starts
  • Lists
  • MENTAL HEALTH WRITING PROMPTS
  • new obsession
  • people say it's the best years of your life
  • Playlist
  • reviews
  • ride or die
  • spilling my heart out
  • things i have to say about myself
  • when i don't have things to say

Copyright © 2016 thirsty hearts. Created by OddThemes