You're never happy

"You're never happy", a friend told me that. I mean at first i just laughed it off because of how untrue it was. I have my good days. I can't remember specifically, but I remember being content once. 

Then I stayed up with those words repeating in my head like it's some kind of a reminder I don't need to be reminded of. I stopped and realized maybe it is true. I mean I still remember those good days but I never really truly felt happy in so long. Everytime I do, some kind of a disaster just come and find its way. 

I've been sick since I was 14. Not terminally I mean honestly I don't even really believe that I am. I just feel sad all the time and nervous at odd hours. Everything just seems to be in my head. 

I've done what sick people did and to be honest thinking back on it, I don't remember how it helped, but it did I'm sure of it. Then there were days of confusion mixed with struggling. I'm not sure why I was having a hard time but it felt like time was moving too quickly. 

Then things were okay. I don't know what I did to make it okay but it was and it was the closest thing I got to happiness. Sometimes I try to believe that I'm faking all this and I should just get my head in the game and it'll be alright. 

But it isn't. It's isn't fake nor am I pretending. As much as I wished it was, I'm back. Back to being that mentally ill person who can't seem to find content in anything. And my friend was right, I'm never happy. It makes me wonder if I ever could.