What am I so fucking terrified of?

I am awake. Tired, sleepy and in pain, physically and mentally. I feel so much emotions rushing in. If I listened closely, I could feel my blood rushing in between the veins, trying to keep me alive. That's how it is now. I am trying to keep it together. My hearts beating too fast and I didn't even know it. 

I dont know what Im so worried about. The fact that I wont be in the comfort of my own home this time around next week or the thought of having so much to do at once and not doing anything at all to change it. Or is it the sick feeling of missing the ones I've not even left yet. Maybe it's the discovery of an emotion I never thought of before and now I'm too terrified to admit it. 

"I will be okay, I will be okay" is something I unconsciously whisper to myself every now and then. And don't get me wrong I am okay, sometimes. During the day mostly. Or when I'm too sleepy to think and the bed is all I see. But certain hours I just can't do it. Well I heard that sudden body combustion is a thing now.