thirsty hearts

having a love affair with the sun



hii and happy birthday!! I was just going to write a simple wish but a friend told me to pour my heart so that's what I'm going to do. 

you mean a lot to me. i never planned it to be that way but it just did. and the fact that we never don't talk as much as we used to breaks my fucking heart. i know that it's nothing but i can't help but to feel otherwise. i can't help but to feel i did something wrong. 

the little time we spent together, i had so much plans tbh, what to do, what to buy, but to execute it now would be a little awkward. 

i know it's unfair for me to say this on your birthday but never had the intentions to make you feel other than happy. 

so happy birthday. i really do wish good things for you in life. it's what you deserve :) 


It's the first of October and I miss you. Not that the date has anything related to it, I just wanted to sound romantic or dramatic, I don't know. 

But I do though, I really do. Not the type of "I miss you" that I need to see you. I spent most of the day seeing you, smoked with you, ate with you and even cracked a few holes with you but I still miss you. Does this mean that it's real? 

I miss talking to you, asking how you've been. 


Tonight made me realize there are still good things in life. Even not much, there's still something to keep us going. Friends, family, sometimes it doesn't have to be ourselves just for a bit. 

Bad days are only temporary. It may took awhile to get over but good days are ahead. Bad days may be longer than your good days but they're still there. Bear that in mind whenever life knocks you down. Some days you're high, other days you're bound to fall. 

Who made it a rule that we have to be happy for the rest of our lives? Where's the fun in that? A few bad news can make a few days hard but one good memory can make it worth living. 

Semester five only reminds me of being tired and tears. Tears of joy, tears of heartbreak, I felt them both. Tears of joy was probably the highlight of 2018. I worked so fucking hard for something and I got what I deserved.

Then there's the tears of heartbreak. Something I forgot how it feels like. I forgot how much it made me wanted to die. My friends never fail to disappoint me. As saddening as it sounds, that's how they are,and Im still friends with them.

Then there's the boy I speak highly off last semester. Him. I truly ran out of words for him. Thinking of him only brings me to tears. I even force myself to be angry at him but i cant. I just cant.

I miss him. so bad. He doesnt even look for me anymore but when i do, he talks to me as if im just one of  his followers. I would know because i used to be only that, and now im back to square one. I dont fucking know what to do anymore. I was doing so fucking fine.

the word lover is so infinitely soft. So universal. So timeless. Two girls with awkward, hungry hands. A boy and a girl in the dark. Two men in empty light. A marriage of 40 years. Letters over eons. Sappho’s poems. The corner of a mouth. Lovers, lovers, lovers.

In my earliest letters I dedicated to you, I predicted we may not be tight as we were and I was right. Kind of scary to think of it. I had faith in us but a part of me didn't. 

It is so fucking sad looking back at it. You made me realize how much I prefer being angry at someone rather than feeling so fucking sad about them. 

I had a few highlights this year but you my love, you were both my highlight and downfall of my entire life. Now I truly believe I have loved you so fucking much and I still probably do. 

Saying that I didn't appreciate you enough would be a fucking lie because I did. I really did. I appreciated you so damn much. Every smiles, every laughs, every questions, every breakfasts or every lunches, back then I really wish I could put them in a small box and replay them whenever I wanted. 

You changed me, you really did. I'm preventing myself to stop being so fucking cliche but these are just facts. I fucking love myself when I'm with you. As much as I love you. 

Now I'm back to where I was. Happy, nor am I sad. And to think that I'll never get back what I had just breaks my fucking heart every damn night. 

I'm sorry if I sound so angry. I just really really miss you. I'm only left with our old messages and nothing more. 

I have this bad habit, a toxic behavior or I dont know just constant craving for the nearest or closest affection I can cling to. Any outlet I can just put my love towards to. It's a behavior I've not yet to decide a blessing or a curse. 

Some days I have to convince myself that it's just me. I'm just THAT lonely. It isn't love, it's just lust. But long enough I can learn to accept it. I slowly learn to turn lust into love. 

Some days it's a blessing to just get over someone because you weren't in love with them in the first day. It's a curse when you start to doubt yourself about commitments. 


Am I finally immune to every social relationship I have? I no longer care, I no longer feel. I could've sworn I loved him. It didn't happen too fast, it was just how I like it. And it didn't end too fast either, its like I expected it. 

It doesn't hurt I guess. But it stings whenever I see him. Just a mild pain in my heart. Something I could bare. I miss him. Tapi setakat itu sahaja lah. 

I remembered crying rivers for you. I remembered how real the pain was but now there's just nothing. 

Sometimes I'm scared. Is this what I really think of love? Is this really how I cope with pain? What if I never find someone who truly loves me because I keep doing this over and over again? 

Would I go back to you? If I spend too much time in the thoughts of the times we spent together maybe I would. Would I want to? I'm not so sure. 

I want to die. 

For the first time since a long time, I actually want to die. I am tired. So, so tired. I am tired of the people around me. I'm tired of the things I have to do that seems endless. I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of living. 

I am unsure is this the feeling of wanting death in front of my eyes or am I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I believe it can be solved. All my issues, all my sorrows. But I also believe once those are dealt with, others will come. It is never ending. 

I have this habit of always wanting to fix people's problems. Any problems really. Whether it be about life, about love or even about education, I try to help them. Yet I'm so helpless. And I refuse to get help. 

It's not that I don't want to, I do but my dumb self just keeps rejecting it. Is it the fear of disappointment or is it the fear of trusting people? 

I am trying, I am trying to ask for help but always questioning if it's from the right people. Should it be from the people I've known my entire life? 
Pros: They understand us already. 
Cons: The idea of us they already had only makes them believe what we're going through is a phase. 
But the truth is, it isn't. I've been like this for most of my life and now it's already too late to voice it out. 

or should it be from the people that has only known us for a short period of time?
Pros: They won't know us enough to judge us. 
Cons: They won't give you the respond you expected. 

So here I am constantly stuck in between. I'm here at night hoping the day wouldn't come so I don't have to deal with the problems I tried to forget. 

There I said it, I want to die. 

You ever first get to know someone and think "wow, there is literally nothing wrong with you"? And it goes on for weeks, or even months. 

At one point you feel like they deserve the world and you don't deserve them. Nothing but purity in them. But you? Nothing but evil. 

Then they get comfortable with you and you're happy with it. They open up to you and pour their fucking heart on you. Each layer you uncover was like finding pieces of yourself in each of them. It was like puzzle pieces you were looking for your whole life. 

But there are a few moments you start questioning. Are those really pieces of you? or are you forcing them to be? Suddenly the puzzle pieces don't fit. 

But I learned. Not in a hard way but in a way that made me hate myself even more for how intolerant I can be. Those puzzle pieces just needed some turning for them to fit the masterpiece. 

I can learn to love. And I love the thought of that. 


It's been five semesters and I'm still tired. Not all the time but I feel like it's always there. If I'm lucky enough, I won't feel sad at the same time but that's unusual. 

Some days I'm excited to wake up, other days just makes me want to lie in bed day after day after day. I'm not depressed as far as I'm concern. I mean, the signs are there but I don't think I am. I know how it feels like to be tired of living and this isn't it. 

I get tired of the commitments, responsibilities and I guess interaction in general. I'm not giving up. I just wanna take a pause. I just want everything to stop for a moment and let me breathe. 

2013 to 2016 was a dark moment for me. It was honestly a blur and I can't specifically remember what was wrong but all I know is it was a time I wish not to go back to. 

I wasn't myself or maybe it was something bad that has latched on to me and it became a part of me. I hated myself. Don't get me wrong, there were days I had fun, but it those days cannot be compared with the bad ones. 

And truth be told, I had no one. My friends weren't much help because they didn't know entirely. At school, I was with them, I was fine. But at home I'm left alone. 

I was young and I didn't know how to cope with it. I only found contentment in self destructions. My parents' ways of handling it is by only threatening. And that made it worse. 

I was in love back then. It wasn't the right moment but it kept me sane. It was a boon and a bane. Being in love was one of the reasons I couldn't get myself out of the situation just because I wasn't loved back. 

I couldn't be alone but there was no one I trust enough to let them see how bad I was. Even now. It felt like a black hole that kept sucking me in. I only got out of it because I made myself. 

I had myself and only that. And I'm proud of that but at the same time sad about it. I had to suffer alone and some people only knew bits and pieces of my suffering. "It'll be okay" was the only thing my friends were able to tell me. 

I no longer feel that way although some days I feel like I'm going back, but I never want to. I refuse. I promise myself not get that low and learned if I do, there's something that has to be done. 


I've decided to fall in love with you. Bear in mind this is a decision I made at 3 fucking am and most probably I'm not in the right state of mind. At 3pm I'll probably look back at this and not feel the same. Months after this, we're unlikely to be close as we are now. I'll look back at this and most probably I'd still feel the same. 

It's still too early, I know. There are even signs saying this isn't it. Not big red traffic lights, more like a red dot I refuse to acknowledge.

I've write about a lot of people I care about but a big part of me is saying you're something else. And so far only one person other than you that has been "something else" to me and it didn't well. 

I've wrote about how I am with you and I can't emphasize it more. I like it too much. Then there's actually how you are, how you talk, how you act. Things you say are goofy, silly and cringey. But there are days you blow my mind with the knowledge I never knew existed. 

As cliche as it sounds, and true, you're the only person I see myself with. It's the first time and it's terrifying. I tell myself not to fall in too deep but you're making it hard. 

Being bipolar doesn't help much either. At nights I feel like I should have you. I can take care of you and you'd do the same for me. But during the days, it's a bad idea. You're not the one for me and I guess I never will be. I guess having high ego and low confidence is a deadly combination. Never the one to make the first move because of the low confidence I never had. 

Rejection isn't what I fear I guess but what I'm terrified of most is being the only one in the clouds. What if it's all in my head? What if the green lights were just my color blindness acting up (jk I don't have any) but get what I mean. 

but importantly I have to say this out loud, I am never afraid of getting hurt, but hurting the one I care about what terrifies me most. And I tend to that a lot. 

Being me, I'm bound to write about the people I'm close to. Their good, their evil, I try to put them into words instead of putting it out there. I guess it's my way of containing it. My way of being obsessive towards someone. And I guess now it's your turn. 

It used to be only glimpses of you and unwanted stares. Now I sometimes crave for touch and sneak around for the sight of you. 

I see good in you. But here's the thing, It's all good and it's terrifying. You've shown me sides of you that so far I'm liking. You care for the people who no longer care for you. Your obliviousness and innocence I guess what makes you so clueless and kind. 

I speak so highly of you, Im scared I'd have to take it. I'm scared you'll prove me wrong. 

But I look forward to anything with you. The sudden video calls during classes. The sudden invitation to lunch. The gossip sessions over the people around us. 

And I like myself when I'm with you. I'm better. It's cliche, but it's true. I'm honest with you and even to myself. I can ask you absolutely anything and tell you everything. I can tell you the truth other people refuse to tell you. 

You are good. You are kind. Any harm to you only breaks my heart and I'm here to prevent that from happening. 

I decided to play my songs in my friend's car. It was just a bunch of random songs that were on shuffle on my apple music. You see, I never really thought of my songs as great songs yknw. It was fine but it's never really the type of songs people constantly ask who's the singer or what's the tittle. It was just a bunch of songs of a bunch of genres. But my friend liked it somehow. He even then asked if he could have the link to my playlist. So here's a list of it :- 

1. I Wanna Know_ NOTD, Bea Miller
2. Thunderclouds_ Sia, Diplo, Labrinth
3. my boy_ Billie Eilish 
4. dont ask dont tell_ Tove Lo
5. Let You Down_ NF
6. Lowlife_ Poppy 
7. Alone_ Bazzi 
8. Ring_ Cardi B, Kehlani 
9. breathin_ Ariana Grande 
10. bad days_ Tove Lo
11. bitches_ Tove Lo, Charli XCX, Icona Pop, Elliphant 
12. Devil's In The Backseat_ Lostboycrow 
13. Shining Star_ Bebe Rexha 
14. Eastside_ Benny Blanco, Khalid, Halsey 
15. Gone_ Bazzi
16. Stay_ Post Malone 

Here's the link to the continuation of the playlist @ spotify <3  https://open.spotify.com/user/najwazulhisham/playlist/54Dt5jwBve31TBtP0j6AF9?si=dmCIO8BWSvmcGlxaFVQXhw


I expected semester 4 was to be like usual, pain, happiness, and heartbreak all over again etc, but it wasnt. My own life never fails to surprises me.

Earlier this semester I tried something new which was acting. I struggled, but thinking about it now it was definitely not something to cry over but I did lol. Well it wasnt because of the struggle but at that moment of my life I just hated myself so much. The person I trust was getting too well with the person I like. But I got over it. I was so fucking devastated to the point that I had to call a friend.

I spent day and night with the same people. I was bound to figure out their routines or bad habits. I couldn't take it at first but I guess soon I figured that it was something I needed to get used to as I have my own bad habits of my own. 

After theater, I met someone I never wish to forget. Some days he makes me feel like regret but most days I feel like Im honest with myself and even with him. I like that. We've gotten so close ever since and Alhamdulillah until now. 

We were brought together by mutual hate. I know that isn't the best way to encounter with someone but it was the only thing that had us talking during lunch. He would call me during classes, randomly asking me where I'm at only to see me. Not being a bare minimum bitch, but that was the first time I felt appreciated in a long time. 

A month before the end I went to a fest and that was the most fun I had in two semesters. Coming back late at night, catching movies the last hour and even being broke to the point I had to exchange my coins. 

but getting into details couldn't possibly describe the tears, the joys, the heartbreak I went through. I can only say I've changed, in short. I've started smoking, I've started hating and even loving. I no longer keep things to myself as much as I did the last time. I've learned to keep secrets better now and realize not everything has to be said out in the open. 

It didn't end with a bang nor did it end painfully. It was just like any other moments in my life I could bear with. I wish to look back at it and never regret. Never regret the decisions I made, the paths I never took or the words I thought of but never say it. 

I wish things to go well for me in the future InshaAllah. 

"I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Everything seems off. I feel like giving up on every relationship I have with everyone. I constantly doubt myself and feel like everything I do is wrong. I'm trying so so hard to not do what I do best, dropping everything. I constantly need to remind myself how I need the people in my life, how good they are to me. I need to constantly remind myself that I need them to live. But they aren't showing interest in me.

I've always had this mindset that I don't need those who don't need me but now that I think of it, those people are the one who keep me going. But what if I'm not what keep them going? Do I know my worth, walk away and feel alone? or do I stay and feel worthless?

It's been awhile since I'm not quite ready for death but living isn't on the first on my list either."

This was a draft I found, I forgot when was this and why I felt like this. But its true. Some days I do still feel this way and it feels like rock bottom. Honestly reading my entries, my life is definitely a roller coaster. But I guess its the same for everyone. 



Let's talk about progress. 
Early this year I guess it's safe to say I was someone else. Not every part of me but probably parts of me that I wasn't so proud of. I lost friends, I gained friends. I got attached, I got detached. 

I've been very expressive of myself lately. I stop letting things bother me. And in a way I guess it's good? I've learned how to let go of certain things but I still haven't learn that some things are worth holding on to. 

The people around me give me the most impact. Without them I guess I'd still be the same. The people I used to see only on the streets are now the people I have lunch with. The people who used to hate me are now the nicest people on earth. 

These are just a bunch of words and paragraphs I put together with no correct order. What I'm trying to say is I'm constantly changing, good or bad. And I like looking back on how much I've changed. I guess it motivates me. 

I've never felt like this in any point of my life. I feel so so happy yet so fucking scared. I feel so loved yet scared of loving. I am surrounded by great friends and I've never felt this before. Is this how it's supposed to feel? Are we suppose to wake up each day missing them? or scared they'll go away? 

I'm still trying to figure out what I did in life to deserve them. I'm still trying to fix myself so I can be good enough for them but they keep reminding me that I already am. 

Is this what they meant when they say you could somebody so much until it hurts? It hurts so bad to be away from them. It hurts so bad to miss them. It hurts so bad to be around them and being scared that the moment will pass. 

This is actually a self appreciation post. I've had my bad days, my worst days and day I don't talk about. But in between there are days I feel good about myself, physically and mentally. Even if it lasts half an hour, I guess I know the feeling of loving myself. 

I'm proud with how much I've grown mentally, how matured I am now. I used to silly and reckless, and take things too personally. I know how to control my emotions better now. I know how to take care of other people's feelings but never to theirs above mine. 

I guess throughout the years I've built some confidence, even physically. I have days I feel good about my outfit or hair even if it turns out bad at the end of the day. I've also gained more confidence with how I talk, how I feel and how I express myself. 

The worst days that I mention earlier are constantly there but I think that's okay. Everybody goes through it. Days I question myself, days I'm selfish for no reason even days I shut everyone out. But for myself everyday is a progress and I guess that's all that matters. 

This sounds like a motivational speech lmfao I did not mean for it to turn out this way lol 


SPOILER ALERT, kinda.

I know I don’t usually do reviews on books or even movies but I thought this would be fun. Although I would be reviewing an old film since I just watched it LOL but this would be enitirely for my own satisfaction.

I would start with the book,



Author: Nicola Yoon
Publisher: Delacorte Books for Young Readers
Year published: 2015
Summary:
Basically this book is a love story and to me, it’s a good one. It’s about an 18 year old who suffers from S.C.I.D since she was young. It’s a disease that makes her immune system weak. She’s not allowed to go outside of her house and she hasn’t for 17 years. Until, of course, after a new boy moves in next door.

To me was generally great. Though I cant remember much of it to talk about it since I read the book a few years again.

Moving on to the film,



Directed by: Stella Meghie
Produced by: - Elysa Dutton
- Leslie Morgenstein
Written by: J. Mills Goodloe
Based on: Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon

Starring
- Amandla Stenberg
- Nick Robinson

Music by: Ludwig Göransson

Cinematography: Igor Jadue-Lillo
Edited by: Nancy Richardson

Production company
- Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
- Alloy Entertainment

Distributed by: Warner Bros. Pictures

Release date
May 19, 2017

Running time
96 minutes



I would like to start with the characters. Love, love the idea of interacial relationships and Amanda Stenberg pulled it off as the “I’ve been sick my entire love and I don’t know what love is” but Nick Robinson on the other side… Don’t get me wrong he pulled it off too as the “I look emo but Im actually soft” boy but I don’t know.. maybe it’s because Ive seen him in Love, Simon, I don’t look at him the same anymore.



I like the idea adding another character which is Rosa, Carla’s daughter though I don’t see the benefit of it. And the fact that they cut out Carla’s scene from the book where Maddy visited her before heading to Hawaii was to me a mistake. The scene, from the book, was to me vital as it shows that Maddy appreciated her for all the times she was inside the house. Now that she’s not, she needs to let Carla know that she will always will be remembered, incase Maddy doesnt make it back.



Okay Im not gonna look pass the fact that an 18 year old can easily get TWO plane tickets TO HAWAII. I don’t know how credit cards work in the U.S but it is definitely not tha easy to get one here.

I guess that’s all I have to say. Overall, it was a really good film. Although it was fast, it made me want to fall in love and that is a good thing.
Semester break playlist <3

1. Grouplove - Let Me In
2. Vancouver Sleep Clinic - Living Water
3. Coasts - Lions
4. Amber Run - No Answers
5. X Ambassadors - JOYFUL
6. Sleeping At Last - Saturn
7. Vancouver Sleep Clinic - Someone To Stay

 Semester 3 was nothing but a roller coaster of emotions. There were times when I was in pain and there were times people were in pain because of me.

 I guess I learned that it is better if we don’t get to know someone so well. If you do, that’s when all the skeleton comes out of the closet. Ignorance is bliss they say.

I felt like the whole semester I remember myself being alone most of the times. I hated it but I had no choice. My friends did not want to see nor had the effort to do so. The friends I worship so much, those I would do anything for, doesn't feel the same towards me. And I guess it’s not their fault they feel that way. I guess it’s my fault I got to attached and put myself out there.

This semester was the semester I found out my own friend talks bad about me to other people. I have my flaws but I don’t see the need to tell other people.

This semester was good nor it was bad. To be honest, most of it was just a blur. I remember being buys and not getting what I want. I also remember crying a lot and not being appreciated.

I guess to sum this semester up, I learned that it’s better if I learn to be alone.

yikes.


I read the things I wrote a few years ago. I was young and in love. I'm still trying to decide if the things I said were true and the decisions I made were the right ones. 

Few years later and things changed. Some were good, some were bad. I don't remember falling in love with anyone anymore. I don't remember writing about someone as much as I did about you. The people I write about now aren't constant. They leave. But you my friend, you never left. Instead I find myself full of hate every now and then. 

I don't miss you but I miss what we had. It's embarrassing really to see yourself writing about someone who doesn't even matter anymore. I hate myself. To write is something sacred and what we write is precious. But to write about you, I've lost all my inspirations. My past is the only thing inspiring me. 

To be honest with myself I'll let you in any day, any time. To go through again what we did. The pain, the pleasure and the constant self doubt. Gosh the stupid things I think of doing, it's endless. 

I feel like lately I've been focusing too much on people's flaws instead of my own. All the bad things they do to me lingers in my mind and never once have I thought about mine. I sometimes think that it is unfair, what people do to me. And I always had a say to what I do. Even a conversation in my head, asking myself why did I do it, I always had to say something back. It was like talking to my alter ego and even with my alter ego I was egotistical. I guess you could say this is karma. I used to leave people to go to other people then claim "I'm allowed to have other friends" but when my friends do to my I throw a bitch fit.  I can't accept the fact that people don't always need me and that they can't always come to me. But I feel like they never did in the first place. My thoughts are all jumbled up now. I'm standing in between a line of self ego and the things I deserve. 


I am sick and tired. Not in a poetic or metaphoric way but literally. I have been sick for weeks. It gets better then it gets worse again. I feel like I've not had a proper sleep for days and each morning I wake up, I physically and mentally ache. 

I am at that point of my life where I'm constantly worried. To that point that I dont know of what. I am questioning each decision I make. One wrong word from anyone or even myself, I break. 

I have issues with myself currently. The constant feeling of not being worthy enough. Am I up for it? Can I really handle it? or similar questions pop up my mind. I doubt myself like I've never doubted anyone before. I question my capability and my state of mind. Am I in the right place to do such things? 

And then there's issues with my feelings. There always will. This doesn't worry me much but it's there in my head and it's pointless, causing me more stress. Then the insecurities creep in and I fall back the rabbit hole of self hatred. 

Speaking of hatred, I get bad vibes from most people nowadays. And the worst part is most of the time my instincts were right. People talk, people change, people pretend. 



I am sorry for the times I dragged you down with me. Little did I know how good you were for me, but I was toxic for you. People don't know you, they hate you because you've been seen with me. I'm sorry for the times you've been hearing negative whispers about yourself from random passers by. You hear voices from the people you thought you had no issue with and it's all because of me. 

Thank you for the times I felt lost, empty, and indecisive. Thank you for telling me the things people from my past couldn't tell me. Thank you for showing me how toxic the people from my past life were. Thank you for understanding me at times I didn't even understand myself. 

I don't mind being teared down or stepped on, but to see the people I love go down with me for the things I did is something I can't bare to live with. I'm sorry for not being able to do anything about it. I've moved on, but a part of me wants to fight for you. 

I regret no decisions I make after you. You make me prosper and healthier in ways I've been trying to be in years. I'm sorry for being selfish for keeping you with me to make myself grow but at the same time it tears you down. I'm sorry my problems dragged you down with me. 


This one's for the inside jokes. This one's for the impromptu road trip. This one's for the endless laughters. This one's for the time I listened to you talk for hours. This one's for every gas money I paid. This one's for every insult we gave each other. This one's for every time I roasted you. This one's for the every time you gave me a ride. This one's for every meal I had with you. This one's for the fights we never had. This one's for the times you were there for me. This one's for the times I was there for you. This one's for every song you recommended me. This one's for all the movies we watched together. This one's for you. 
I dont know how to feel right now. Things are great but at the same time they arent. I am in love but at the same time Im not. My friends arent talking to each other at the moment and I absolutely dont feel the need to fix things. My new housemates are great but I still feel like I cant trust them.

I know I don't ever say these words to you and probably never will because maybe to you and to myself of course it's too cliche. Even at times when I do say it I make sound more like a joke but I still meant it. 

You give me support I thought I never needed. Even if you never showed it or I never truly saw it, sometimes I stop for a while and really think about it, I know your true intentions and it's probably the most sincere and purest I've ever received. 

You are the definition of a good friend. You're always there even at times when I don't need you to. You've never exactly given me the secret to a happy life but you never fail to make me laugh after a rough day. Seeing you gives me the type of happiness many has been longing. 

I know I'm not exactly the type of friend everyone wishes to have but somehow at the end of the day you're still the one who chooses to stay. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you. And I'm sorry for not treating you the way you wanted to be treated and I promise I will try to fix myself everyday. 

You are understanding, caring, wise. You were raised well. You know boundaries. You are educated and open minded. You are so many things and I cannot be any more prouder of you as a friend. 






I told a lot of people about you, people I was close to. I told them how I loved you, how you almost loved me back. I told them in details and while in tears. 

A year or so has passed you and the thought of you still lingers in my head. Not in an unhealthy way or anything, you're just there. Certain things don't remind me of you anymore. They're just inanimate objects now. 

Sometimes I think about reaching out to you again. Why? for a lot of reasons. I see myself changed after you. Not in obvious ways but in small details that took me a while to finally see. I find it hard to fall for someone now. Not because I've not moved on or anything. I just find hard to develop feelings. Even if I do, it's temporary. 

I don't know my worth anymore. A friend came to me to seek advice about a boy who only goes to her when he needs attention. She said she's been in a relationship with a man who's treated her better. While I said I'd stay. I told her you did something similar and I stayed. With you, it was probably one of the worst years of my life but it was the only time I ever felt alive. 

I guess what people say about you never really stop loving someone. You'll either love them less and you never loved them at all. I guess there's still a little bit of you in me. 


      I'm sorry this took me awhile to write but I just wanted to make sure I find the right words to express myself. First of all happy birthday. I really hope I get to meet you soon and I really hope you'll have a great birthday this year. 

      And I'm sorry. Generally for everything. I just constantly feel the need to apologize to you and Nasya. I was never a good friend and I've realized that for the longest time now and I'm still trying to fix myself. 

      I guess you could say what we used to have could never be recovered. We've tried it but it's just not the same anymore. You have it with someone else now but to me I can never have it again. 

      It would be a lie to say that how things right now doesn't make me sad. You were there for me when I needed you and I liked being there for you. I honestly still remember the times when we talked on the phone about the boys we liked. The times we cried over the phone together and even the day when we first met each other. 

      This day last year I was really hyped to celebrate your birthday because I remember you were so stressed out about work and so many other things. I remember surprising you at where you work. It's sad really what happened over the months and I honestly know where I went wrong. I remember our first fight. It was the absolute worst. I hated myself. 

      You and Alan has always been the fairytale everyone wants and it honestly makes me happy to see how it's still going on so strong. I really pray you guys will make it to the end. Inshallah he's the one. 

      You are no doubt one of the people that really made an impact in my life Nasreen. I could never put it in words. You made my last year in high school even better even without being in the same school. 


      I know my words are just all over the place because honestly that's how my mind is right now but I guess what I'm trying to say that I really hope you don't stop seeing me as a friend. I really hope that when someone mentions my name, i'm not just someone you used to be close with. I really hope you think of me as someone you can go to whenever you're doubting yourself. Even if we talk once every two months. I love you. Both you and Nasya. I know i'm really bad at showing it but for fucks sake you guys are so so important to me. You are beautiful, loving, caring and so many things. You're one of the people good took time making. I really mean it. Goodnight boo and happy birthday 💛🎉

2018 goals
·        Less hating in 2018
·        Less cursing in 2018
·        More reading in 2018
·        More complimenting in 2018
·        More loving in 2018
·        Less negativity in 2018
·        More studying in 2018
·        More smiling in 2018
·        More laughing in 2018
·        More friends in 2018
·        More thinking in 2018
·        Less assuming in 2018
2018 playlist
·        Why Don’t You Come On – DJDS, Khalid, Empress Of
·        Candy Paint – Post Malone
·        Pull The Trigger – Russ
·        I Fall Apart – Post Malone
·        Japanese Denim – Daniel Caesar
·        Do Like That – Korede Bello
·        Down For You – Russ
·        Beautiful – Bazzi
********
Newer Posts Older Posts Home

About Author

My photo
suicidalfigures
24, KUL
View my complete profile

Follow Me

  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Tumblr
  • Writing Portfolio

POPULAR POSTS

  • You can't love him anymore when he's the flame and you're the ocean
  • Day 6, Night 5

Categories

  • adore you 24
  • counting days like the stars 21
  • Excerpt 10
  • getting better 4
  • infinite fresh starts 6
  • Lists 5
  • MENTAL HEALTH WRITING PROMPTS 1
  • new obsession 1
  • people say it's the best years of your life 9
  • Playlist 11
  • reviews 1
  • ride or die 11
  • spilling my heart out 31
  • things i have to say about myself 26
  • when i don't have things to say 45

Blog Archive

  • ►  2022 (1)
    • ►  Jan 2022 (1)
  • ►  2021 (14)
    • ►  Dec 2021 (3)
    • ►  Nov 2021 (1)
    • ►  Aug 2021 (3)
    • ►  Jul 2021 (4)
    • ►  May 2021 (3)
  • ►  2020 (32)
    • ►  Sept 2020 (1)
    • ►  Jun 2020 (3)
    • ►  May 2020 (13)
    • ►  Apr 2020 (3)
    • ►  Mar 2020 (6)
    • ►  Jan 2020 (6)
  • ►  2019 (18)
    • ►  Nov 2019 (5)
    • ►  Aug 2019 (2)
    • ►  May 2019 (4)
    • ►  Apr 2019 (2)
    • ►  Mar 2019 (1)
    • ►  Feb 2019 (2)
    • ►  Jan 2019 (2)
  • ▼  2018 (35)
    • ▼  Dec 2018 (7)
      • happy birthday
      • i miss u
      • October 19
      • SEMESTER FIVE
      • lover
      • but you my love, you were both my highlight and do...
      • It isn't love, it's just lust
    • ►  Nov 2018 (1)
      • it changed
    • ►  Oct 2018 (2)
      • I want to die
      • intolerance
    • ►  Sept 2018 (7)
      • college
      • The Depression Era
      • i've decided to fall in love with you
      • It's your turn
      • An Actual Playlist for Someone
      • SEMESTER 4
      • DRAFTS
    • ►  Aug 2018 (1)
      • Change
    • ►  Jul 2018 (1)
      • 21/6
    • ►  Jun 2018 (1)
      • good days, bad days
    • ►  May 2018 (3)
      • Everything, Everything (2017)
      • semester break playlist
      • Semester 3
    • ►  Apr 2018 (2)
      • The idea of you
      • i hate myself
    • ►  Mar 2018 (1)
      • Day 292
    • ►  Feb 2018 (4)
      • Day 270: I'm sorry and thank you
      • This one's for you
      • DAY 265
      • to my friend
    • ►  Jan 2018 (5)
      • DAY 239
      • a birthday wish for an old friend
      • 2018 goals/playlist
  • ►  2017 (62)
    • ►  Dec 2017 (1)
    • ►  Oct 2017 (1)
    • ►  Sept 2017 (6)
    • ►  Aug 2017 (6)
    • ►  Jul 2017 (3)
    • ►  Jun 2017 (12)
    • ►  May 2017 (22)
    • ►  Apr 2017 (4)
    • ►  Mar 2017 (1)
    • ►  Feb 2017 (6)
  • ►  2016 (26)
    • ►  Aug 2016 (3)
    • ►  Jun 2016 (5)
    • ►  May 2016 (2)
    • ►  Apr 2016 (1)
    • ►  Mar 2016 (5)
    • ►  Feb 2016 (6)
    • ►  Jan 2016 (4)
  • ►  2015 (18)
    • ►  Dec 2015 (18)

About Me

My photo
suicidalfigures
24, KUL
View my complete profile

Popular Posts

  • You can't love him anymore when he's the flame and you're the ocean
  • Day 6, Night 5
  • DAY 239
  • a birthday wish for an old friend
  • im the type of friend

Labels

  • adore you
  • counting days like the stars
  • Excerpt
  • getting better
  • infinite fresh starts
  • Lists
  • MENTAL HEALTH WRITING PROMPTS
  • new obsession
  • people say it's the best years of your life
  • Playlist
  • reviews
  • ride or die
  • spilling my heart out
  • things i have to say about myself
  • when i don't have things to say

Copyright © 2016 thirsty hearts. Created by OddThemes